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Leaving my OH because he's mean with money

(42 Posts)
yellowxo Tue 23-Dec-14 12:42:50

Been together for 4 years, He was generous and nice to begin with now he's the opposite we moved in with his mum because he didn't have enough money for a mortgage to buy somewhere we rented a flat at the time so we moved in he said it would take 6 months max, it was hell to be honest i got PND and felt like I couldn't bond with baby cause his mum was always around. It took us a year to move out then he drops the bombshell he doesn't want my name on the house cause I haven't worked for it (Im a sahm with dd) family told me to go along with it so I did but I have a lot of resentment towards him, He never gives me money i have to ask him for some he has around 13k in his bank account and I have 30 quid (seriously) I only have CB I was working at mcdonalds evening shifts until 2am but I couldn't get up with DD in the morning properly OH wouldn't help me pay for DD's childcare for a couple of hours in the morning I was knackered so I unfortunately had to leave. I've got a place to study nursing next year, OH yet again doesn't want to help pay for childcare and expects it to come out of my student loans, he wants me to claim as a single parent so he doesn't have to pay anything towards it and he can save towards paying off the mortgage, he says he's doing it for "us" but i see no evidence my name isn't on it and I could get into a lot of trouble.

I get nervous & stressed about asking him for money, seriously I even lie about what I've spent money on, I'm not talking a designer handbag or a pair of shoes, I'm talking a bottle of coke he has a go at me all the time about money , my clothes are all ancient it just seems so unfair he has 13k in his account and I've got nothing. He believes I don't work and I haven't earn it it's making me upset but I have no idea how to leave where to go. etc, I want to work it out but can someone like him ever change?

Fairylea Tue 23-Dec-14 12:44:47

This is exactly the reason I left my first husband. Left when dd was 6 months old and never looked back.

Womens aid would consider behaviour like this to be financial abuse. It is very serious.

Gunpowder Tue 23-Dec-14 12:47:47

YANBU. He sounds unbelievably mean. sad

Summergarden Tue 23-Dec-14 12:48:14

I wonder if he realises how extreme he has got. Maybe you could write it all down in a letter and let him know you are so fed up you're thinking of leaving him.

He should definitely have put your name on the house deeds.

There are two sides to every story, maybe he is paranoid and petrified of going broke. Doesn't excuse the things he does but might explain them a bit.

FryOneFatManic Tue 23-Dec-14 12:49:37

OP, you should take a look at the Relationship Board. There are people on there who can let you know how to go about separating, and also ensuring you get what you are entitled to. If you leave, he WILL have top make payments for his child.

I reckon you'll also feel better once you're away from him.

FryOneFatManic Tue 23-Dec-14 12:53:13

Being petrified of going broke doesn't excuse the extreme meanness in the OP.

It doesn't excuse that he refuses to pay anything towards childcare, for HIS child, and as for having a go over a bottle of coke when he has £13k in an account is nasty.

BarbarianMum Tue 23-Dec-14 12:55:33

Sounds like financial abuse, rather than someone always wanting to save a bit.

The only thing to do in abusive relationships is leave (and go straight to the cba).

CassieBearRawr Tue 23-Dec-14 12:55:52

He knows exactly how extreme he has got OP, don't be fooled for a second. And if he doesn't - you leaving will tell him loud and clear. You are being financially abused. Good for you you realised it now and want to do something to make your life better. You can change things.

ApocalypseThen Tue 23-Dec-14 12:57:12

You cannot live like that yourself and you owe it to your child not to raise her to think this is how people behave in a relationship.

misskangaandroo2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 12:57:25

He wants you to commit fraud? I'd kick him to the kerb and claim as a single parent legitimately. He seems keen to avoid any responsibility towards his dependants.

Flibbertyjibbet Tue 23-Dec-14 12:59:47

My ex was a mean scrooge who wouldn't put me on the deeds of a house that i paid for new roof and central heating while we were doing it up- whilst living for free at my rented flat. The agreement was I'd go on the deeds when I gave up my flat (housing association, mega secure tenancy) and moved in, which I did, but suddenly he changed his mind about the deeds.
luckily I was working and no kids. I lived for 3 years in that house with him practically bleeding me dry. I ended up paying for everything and I left because he wanted kids but expected me to be Sahm. I could see a future of me begging for new shoes for the kids so I left.
don't waste any more time on him, these tightwads never change. When you've gone he will have to pay child maintenance so you may be better off.

yellowxo Tue 23-Dec-14 13:00:52

He doesn't have a crap job btw he works for an investment bank and he's on around 45k per year. So I could excuse it if we were generally really poor but we aren't

IloveOreossx Tue 23-Dec-14 13:01:13

Paranoid of being broke = Enforcing a budget on both ends. saying we can afford to spend 1,800 a month all together lets figure out what bills we have, what we have left over and where the "Left over" goes. THIS is abuse. 13,000 in the bank and you've got 30 quid to your name. My partner works and earns the worlds shoddiest wage (800 a month, been there 10 years and works 9-3,30 mon-fri) yet still consults me on decisions and would pay out money if need be. this IS abuse

Rebecca2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:04:00

Omg he sounds awful. He wants you so under control that you can't even work to make your own money. I am sure he gives him a thrill to berate you over spending 'his' money.

Leave, you will be so much better off. Do that nursing degree next year and one day your find a decent man.

BuzzardBirdRoast Tue 23-Dec-14 13:04:33

There is no possible way that you could be worse off without him really is there?

Nomama Tue 23-Dec-14 13:05:09

OP, if you have any doubt and feel the need for more information from your OH before you feel able to make such a big decision, why not write it all down and ask him to consider the situation from your perspective?

He may be thinking about some completely different scenario - that somehow you are supposed to understand and be wholly on board with

He may be horrified and turn over a new leaf...

He may think you are being unreasonable and his family were right you are after his money.

He may have another reason that he has not been able to explain.

You may have a pretty good idea what response you will get, you know him. But if you are dithering and need something more to help you understand.decide what your next step could be.

But good luck, whatever you decide.

WellnowImFucked Tue 23-Dec-14 13:09:53

It's abuse.

Yes he was nice at the start to draw you in, now he's got you where he wants you.

It will only get worse, and trust me if you do start your training for nursing, he will find a way to sabotage that too. I say if you do start cause I'm willing to bet he'll try to stop that happening too.

Do you think it's normal/ok for him to have all the control? I'm asking as you said family told you to go along with not having your name on the deeds.

Be aware that you have no rights over that property, there is no such thing as common law wife, even though some people still seem to think there is.

Get out now, or suddenly you'll be 10 years down the line, begging for scraps off his plate

Fairylea Tue 23-Dec-14 13:16:26

Op even if you were really poor there would be no excuse. Dh is on 15k and we have two children. We have a mortgage and we are both on the deeds to the house despite me being a sahm. We put all our income into the joint account and all bills come out of it. Whatever is left is split equally between us to spend. We are literally on our knees financially due to area, house problems and so on but despite all this we are a team. This is how a relationship should be.

My first dh was exactly like yours. He would also say he had no money to pay the rent and would then bugger off to the pub and spend £50 on fruit machines. I ended up getting myself into debt on credit cards to make ends meet. He knew I was doing it and didn't give a toss.

Look at the turn to us website and see what you would be entitled to as a single parent. I have no doubt you would be better off than you are now.

LittleDonkeyLeftie Tue 23-Dec-14 13:17:51

swap him for tax credits.

tobysmum77 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:20:11

yadnbu. Nothing more to say sad

Lucyandpoppy Tue 23-Dec-14 13:21:38

(((((hugs)))) OP sounds like financial abuse to me deffo contact womens aid who will be able to help you with the practicalities of leaving.

Well done on starting nursing next year, financial help for students isn't too bad especially if they are lone parents you should get some or all of childcare paid for and also parents learning fund as well as the NHS grant that goes towards living costs. I'd see if the Uni you are going to provides family accommodation (1 or 2 bed flats) and apply for that as that way you get reasonably priced accomodation with all bills included and the Uni is your landlord so much easier than dealing with rubbish estate agents and landlords smile

prettywhiteguitar Tue 23-Dec-14 13:23:09

Are you married ? If not get married, otherwise you will be left with nothing. That's why he doesn't want you on the house deeds.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 23-Dec-14 13:25:46

He does sound horrible, and out for himself and what he can get. Yes it sounds like financial abuse, and he is controlling you through money and not allowing your name to be on half the house. You are working, you are looking after his child fgs. I think you are right, you should leave him, you would be more happier.

whois Tue 23-Dec-14 13:26:29

Agree with PP who said swap him for tax credits! And do claim as a lone parent, but a genuine loan parent. You'll ne much better off without him.

yellowxo Tue 23-Dec-14 13:26:29

we aren't married I actually asked him about getting married but he said no he wasn't ready i think that was his plan all along, he doesn't want to marry me he just wants to keep me but make sure i'd get nothing if i wanted to leave.

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