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AIBU?

to feel that I can't bear to stay, but can't bear to leave because it would hurt our DS?

87 replies

NeutronBombe · 23/12/2014 10:08

My partner and I haven't exchanged a kind word in a year. We don't sleep together any more, we don't socialise together unless we have to. At this point we are just enemies who have a kid together.

My partner is bitterly jealous of anyone I or our DS become friendly with, and although there's no violence within our family, we are subject to emotional abuse, withholding affection, horrible accusations and verbal bullying unless everything goes the right way.

Once, in front of our DS who was five at the time and old enough to understand, I was threatened with murder. Not just "I could murder you" in a joking way, in case that's what you're thinking. More like "If I could get away with it I'd stab you to death". That's just one example.

When things go wrong we get days of abuse, but when I say that this behaviour is abusive and unacceptable, I just get told "You need to forgive and forget", and "you make too much of these things" and "it was just that one time".

We get bullied like this: if I do something which upsets my partner, then DS can't go somewhere or do something he really wants, because that's the best way to hurt both of us.

I have no social life and few friends because my partner gets so upset if I'm out in the evenings. On the rare occasions I do go out (work Xmas party which I was really obliged to go to) I am bombarded by text messages asking when I'll be home.

But all of that I'm used to. I'm resigned to it. I love my son and I was resigned to the idea that I, personally, wouldn't have a happy life for the next ten years or so (until he goes to university).

But I came here to tell you about an incident that has made me reconsider staying together for the sake of our child.

Our son has a best friend, we'll call her Kate, but he can only see her in school because my partner has come to hate her parents for various reasons that come down to paranoia and/or jealousy. One weekend I dared take him over to their house for a party. I insisted, against my partner's wishes. We were bombarded with messages the whole time we were there. What time are you coming home? You said you'd be home by now! (at the time we said we'd leave, not the time was said we'd be home). And when we got home we had a terrible row.

The atmosphere continued to be horrible for the next two days just because we'd been to Kate's. "Why did you go? I hate [Kate's mum and dad]!". "Just because you hate them, doesn't mean we have to hate them! Kate's nine years old, do you hate her too?" "Yes!" And then on the third day I get a call from the hospital. My partner had got into an altercation outside the school gates and with Kate's parents. And thrown a punch. My partner had to be physically restrained by other parents, with our son and Kate's three-year-old sister crying. There were twenty witnesses, and every one of them says my partner started it. There's no grey area here. One of the people defended themselves with an umbrella and my partner was bleeding profusely. There was a trail of blood visible in the street. My partner nearly lost a finger, and had to have surgery and stay overnight in hospital. The first time my child ever had to go a night without both his parents at home.

I had to placate the other family and convince them not to take legal action.

After this incident, I told my partner I couldn't take it any more. I remember yelling "you could have been arrested, you could have been gone to jail!".

I said I felt we had to break up. And that prompted some repentance, at least on the surface. We agreed that my partner would go to anger management/therapy.

But almost straight away, the process was undermined.

The first therapist sent my partner home with a note saying they couldn't continue treatment for ethical reasons. Because when asked "why are you here?" the therapist just got a shrug and "I dunno, my partner is making me come". Then we found another. There was one session. Then that therapist moved offices and it was "too difficult to get there on public transport". Then there was another, who managed one session, then apparently said to call back in December. And when called back in December, was on holiday. I don't believe a word of this, honestly.

The thing is, this assault happened in April.

The christmas/new year season has made me remember that we had a deal. And it got broken, not overtly but with lots of little betrayals, over the better part of this whole year.

If I didn't have a child, I would happily never see this person again. I would start my life all over again in an empty room with a mattress on the floor and be happy. This person is a stranger to me. A hateful stranger. But on the other hand we both love our child and I want him to have a stable life. But on the other other hand, what messages are we sending him about relationships? I feel like it's a terrible, insoluble puzzle. Can't bear to leave, but I will never be happy if I stay. But to stay is to give in to the abusive behaviour and teach my child that that's an acceptable way to live your life.

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TheHatInTheCat · 23/12/2014 10:13

He's abusing your son aswell as you, you are doing the wrong thing by staying.
You need to give your son a better life, not the miserable existence he has now.
Please leave.