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to feel that I can't bear to stay, but can't bear to leave because it would hurt our DS?

(88 Posts)
NeutronBombe Tue 23-Dec-14 10:08:01

My partner and I haven't exchanged a kind word in a year. We don't sleep together any more, we don't socialise together unless we have to. At this point we are just enemies who have a kid together.

My partner is bitterly jealous of anyone I or our DS become friendly with, and although there's no violence within our family, we are subject to emotional abuse, withholding affection, horrible accusations and verbal bullying unless everything goes the right way.

Once, in front of our DS who was five at the time and old enough to understand, I was threatened with murder. Not just "I could murder you" in a joking way, in case that's what you're thinking. More like "If I could get away with it I'd stab you to death". That's just one example.

When things go wrong we get days of abuse, but when I say that this behaviour is abusive and unacceptable, I just get told "You need to forgive and forget", and "you make too much of these things" and "it was just that one time".

We get bullied like this: if I do something which upsets my partner, then DS can't go somewhere or do something he really wants, because that's the best way to hurt both of us.

I have no social life and few friends because my partner gets so upset if I'm out in the evenings. On the rare occasions I do go out (work Xmas party which I was really obliged to go to) I am bombarded by text messages asking when I'll be home.

But all of that I'm used to. I'm resigned to it. I love my son and I was resigned to the idea that I, personally, wouldn't have a happy life for the next ten years or so (until he goes to university).

But I came here to tell you about an incident that has made me reconsider staying together for the sake of our child.

Our son has a best friend, we'll call her Kate, but he can only see her in school because my partner has come to hate her parents for various reasons that come down to paranoia and/or jealousy. One weekend I dared take him over to their house for a party. I insisted, against my partner's wishes. We were bombarded with messages the whole time we were there. What time are you coming home? You said you'd be home by now! (at the time we said we'd leave, not the time was said we'd be home). And when we got home we had a terrible row.

The atmosphere continued to be horrible for the next two days just because we'd been to Kate's. "Why did you go? I hate [Kate's mum and dad]!". "Just because you hate them, doesn't mean we have to hate them! Kate's nine years old, do you hate her too?" "Yes!" And then on the third day I get a call from the hospital. My partner had got into an altercation outside the school gates and with Kate's parents. And thrown a punch. My partner had to be physically restrained by other parents, with our son and Kate's three-year-old sister crying. There were twenty witnesses, and every one of them says my partner started it. There's no grey area here. One of the people defended themselves with an umbrella and my partner was bleeding profusely. There was a trail of blood visible in the street. My partner nearly lost a finger, and had to have surgery and stay overnight in hospital. The first time my child ever had to go a night without both his parents at home.

I had to placate the other family and convince them not to take legal action.

After this incident, I told my partner I couldn't take it any more. I remember yelling "you could have been arrested, you could have been gone to jail!".

I said I felt we had to break up. And that prompted some repentance, at least on the surface. We agreed that my partner would go to anger management/therapy.

But almost straight away, the process was undermined.

The first therapist sent my partner home with a note saying they couldn't continue treatment for ethical reasons. Because when asked "why are you here?" the therapist just got a shrug and "I dunno, my partner is making me come". Then we found another. There was one session. Then that therapist moved offices and it was "too difficult to get there on public transport". Then there was another, who managed one session, then apparently said to call back in December. And when called back in December, was on holiday. I don't believe a word of this, honestly.

The thing is, this assault happened in April.

The christmas/new year season has made me remember that we had a deal. And it got broken, not overtly but with lots of little betrayals, over the better part of this whole year.

If I didn't have a child, I would happily never see this person again. I would start my life all over again in an empty room with a mattress on the floor and be happy. This person is a stranger to me. A hateful stranger. But on the other hand we both love our child and I want him to have a stable life. But on the other other hand, what messages are we sending him about relationships? I feel like it's a terrible, insoluble puzzle. Can't bear to leave, but I will never be happy if I stay. But to stay is to give in to the abusive behaviour and teach my child that that's an acceptable way to live your life.

TheHatInTheCat Tue 23-Dec-14 10:13:49

He's abusing your son aswell as you, you are doing the wrong thing by staying.
You need to give your son a better life, not the miserable existence he has now.
Please leave.

FuckinUnderTheChristmasTree Tue 23-Dec-14 10:17:29

But it's not a stable life, is it? It's stable to watch your father attacking the parents of your friend and ending up in hospital!

I'm sorry he's such an abusive, controlling dick. You are doing your son much more harm by staying than you would be by leaving. By staying he may well grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. You need to leave for your own sanity and that of your son. ALso I predict it really won't be long before the violence starts on you or your son, or both of you.

FuckinUnderTheChristmasTree Tue 23-Dec-14 10:17:46

not stable

DustInTheWind Tue 23-Dec-14 10:17:58

How is this helping your child in any way?
Leave this dysfunctional mess of an abusive relationship and then work on DS having a separate relationship with his father.
All he's learning is a twisted version of how relationships work, that they are about control, fear, manipulation ownership and threats.

Sn00p4d Tue 23-Dec-14 10:20:22

Leaving wouldn't hurt your ds more than witnessing this.
He has already been physically violent towards near strangers, what if it's your son next time?
Leave. Do you have any family?

Firedemon Tue 23-Dec-14 10:21:02

You think you are doing the best for your son by staying but in fact it's the opposite.
Don't let him grow up learning that this behavior is acceptable. Your partner sounds very dangerous.
Get out of this relationship immediately! You are your son deserve so much better.

ClumsyParents Tue 23-Dec-14 10:23:06

Your thread title and actual thread don't fit together - leaving this utter pig of a man will not upset your DS, well perhaps in the very short term but it will make your DS' life much happier and calmer. Don't inflict this life on your DS for another 10 years. He will not thank you for it.

My first ever LTB.

StickyProblem Tue 23-Dec-14 10:23:11

OP, ask to have this thread moved to Relationships and also have a look at some of the threads in there. Staying and being exposed to this awful man's abuse will do your DS more harm than good.

My DD's first night without both her parents at home was when she was 9 months old, because I had to travel for work. That sort of thing isn't a big deal. Watching your dad attack your friend's parents outside the school is a MASSIVE deal. Then poor diddums was in hospital? so he should be. I would have encouraged the other family to press charges. He does this because he gets away with it, and he's getting worse.

Counsellors won't counsel you because your relationship is abusive.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 23-Dec-14 10:23:24

Your partner does not love his child.

Love is an action where you prioritise their happiness and nurture and care for them.

Your partner, the total cunt, cannot do that. He is hateful, abusive, and you need to leave right now. His actions towards you and your son mean he will remember this abuse forever.

Get out now. Don't spend another minute thinking he loves your son.

Love isn't abuse, isn't violence, isn't hate, isn't withdrawal, isn't preventing contact with others.

AllCowsEatGrass Tue 23-Dec-14 10:28:07

You know you have to leave, life is too short to just decide you'll waste the next 10 years in misery. As soon as you've done it, I really think you'll feel like a huge weight has lifted off both you and your DS, and you'll probably wonder why you stayed so long. The worst thing for your DS is living with that amount of tension.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 23-Dec-14 10:28:47

Your DS will be so much happier once that knobhead is out of your lives.

BalloonSlayer Tue 23-Dec-14 10:30:56

It doesn't say what sexes the partners are and I sort of got the impression the OP is a man FWIW.

Moniker1 Tue 23-Dec-14 10:31:09

Such a shame you didn't allow him to be prosecuted for attacking the little girls' parents.

Then other stuff would be easier for you, you wouldn't have to justify chucking him out etc

He sounds awful. Really, you could be doing him a favour by separating and forcing him to come to terms with his huge problems. And you and your DS certainly would be happier.

LaurieMarlow Tue 23-Dec-14 10:32:05

You need to leave him. Is he going to stifle your son's other relationships/friendships like he's doing to yours? Presumably yes. You can't let him do that, your son deserves a lot more (as do you obviously, but just pointing out his potential to negatively impact your son's social development).

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 23-Dec-14 10:32:26

you would be doing your poor boy a favour by leaving

FayKorgasm Tue 23-Dec-14 10:35:27

Your partner,it doesn't matter if they are male or female (I suspect female) needs to be kept away from yoyr ds.

however Tue 23-Dec-14 10:38:40

How old is your son now? Old enough for his wishes to be respected if he opts to live with you?

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 23-Dec-14 10:41:57

and you do know that altercations outside the school gates will lead to SS intervention don't you? Once the school knows that the boy is living in a violent household?

PhoebeMcPeePee Tue 23-Dec-14 10:42:17

You are hurting your Ds far more by staying, please PLEASE op take your son away from this horrible excuse for a parent and don't look back.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 23-Dec-14 10:43:00

No two ways about it, this relationship cannot continue, please call Woman's Aid. You need to get away from this, he is violent and abusive emotionally and also physically (incident outside school). He said to you he could murder you, I totally believe that. Your ds deserves better than this, you need to kick him out. When asking him to leave, I would gather family and friends with you so your not alone, as he might get violent. Be prepared to call the Police if he does and they will come, they take domestic abuse very seriously.

PhoebeMcPeePee Tue 23-Dec-14 10:43:33

Are your or OH the main carer? If your oh I suggest you start logging and incident or abuse NOW otherwise they may get custody hmm

YouTheCat Tue 23-Dec-14 10:44:52

Both you and your ds will be much much happier without this hateful person in your lives.

If he can attack a virtual stranger over nothing think what he might do to you. Your ds will never be able to have friends over. You will never be allowed to have any life. Another 10 years and you will truly be worn down.

Leave. Leave now. Call Women's Aid.

PoppyFleur Tue 23-Dec-14 10:45:57

OP - read back your post because it is heartbreaking. You clearly adore your son however the restrictions your partner is imposing on you, he is also imposing on your son. Love is putting the other person first,your partner is not putting your son first.

Your partner has issues & only he can address them, it's time to remove him from the equation and decide what you want and what your DS needs.

CassieBearRawr Tue 23-Dec-14 10:46:27

Your partner doesn't love you, or your son. You are doing your son severe damage by staying. Leave him. Or kick him out. Whichever. Just don't be in this toxic environment any longer.

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