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Has that thread been removed?

(16 Posts)
helpmekeepstrong Mon 22-Dec-14 22:31:26

Just quickly, has that thread about abused women continuing to have children with their abuser been removed? Had to go off line and haven't been able to think about anything else since... now I can't find it. I had a point to make. Since I read it I went to the library to return my books and did a few of the ordinary things I do.... then I thought. I've lived in a really closed world for so long and been lucky enough to live here in a cushioned world for the last few months, here in the refuge. I'm really happy to say that I think I may be housed soon. So I'll have to live in the outside world and have to meet people like her. People who don't understand and people who may want to know why I didn't leave. What made me stay. People who think it's my fault. People who will judge me.
Clearly, I won't have to engage with people like that but how do you tell the difference? Just keep yourself to yourself?
Than wasn't just quickly, was it.... sorry

Goldmandra Mon 22-Dec-14 22:48:08

I didn't read the other thread; the title was enough for me. Just rest assured that people are generally a lot braver and more outspoken when they can hid behind anonymity on an internet forum. That poster would probably never dream of actually saying it to your face.

I also think that, if you do talk about it, you will find far more people congratulate you on finding the strength to walk away and rebuild your life than people who want to blame you.

Me for a start.

Congratulations flowers

Mandatorymongoose Mon 22-Dec-14 22:48:24

I didn't see the original thread but I absolutely hate it when people say 'why did you have children with him?'.

It's not in any way helpful after the fact.

It's judgemental.

It's pretty much the same as saying "oh he was abusive why did you stay?" and I'd hope people would know by now it's hardly ever that straight forward.

Why make someone who's already being abused feel shit about themselves as a parent too?

helpmekeepstrong Mon 22-Dec-14 22:56:41

Well, the thread did create a lot of comment and controversy. I guess it's ben removed. I'm glad. Enough said.

Temp09578 Mon 22-Dec-14 22:57:40

I didn't see that thread helpkeepmestrong and don't know your story, but flowers for all you've clearly been through.

I'm not a victim of DV but my family has been through circumstances which you can't just explain to people simply, and yes, people make assumptions daily and we are judged. It can feel crucifying at times, and I often feel myself tied up in knots, because sometimes you just cannot make people understand without "going there" and revealing all and who wants to live their life every day, bringing up painful memories, just to put people straight and "educate" them.

I do tend to keep myself to myself, take time to get to know people and cherish the close friends I do have, who know the whole story and give me massive strength. One aspect that has helped me sift the wheat from the chaff is to avoid people who gossip like the plague, for me, they can be people who are usually quick to make judgements, and are very vocal in their opinions. Oh, and lots and lots of counselling!

When you do find people to open up to though, as Goldmandra points out, very often you get a reaction of pure understandning and support, which is worth it's weight in gold, and well worth a few bad apples along the way.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Dec-14 23:01:42

Yes it was deleted. Thread about it on Site Stuff.

helpmekeepstrong Mon 22-Dec-14 23:13:05

Temp09578 thanks for taking the time to reply in such depth. I see a lot of sense in the middle paragraphs particularly. I'll just get up and get on. No point in dwelling on it, but glad the thread has gone.

HelenaDove Mon 22-Dec-14 23:15:38

It was deleted right after i posted on it. The victim blaming by some was disgusting.

What i found particularly spectacularly galling was the poster who told how she had to break down a door to escape and was charged with criminal damage. Fucking appalling.

HelenaDove Mon 22-Dec-14 23:16:15

Deleting it was the right call

apotatoprintinapeartree Mon 22-Dec-14 23:19:05


Any decent person will be welcoming you into the community where you will be living.
They will befriend you and invite your children to play with yours.
They will help and support you become established in the community and they won't judge.
Most people have empathy and sympathy even without having to endure the abuse you have.
I can't imagine what it must be like and my heart goes out to all those living with abuse.
I have so much respect for the people who have finally left their abuser,
You are very brave.
Hoping you have a peaceful christmas x

theprodigalmum Mon 22-Dec-14 23:20:00

flowers well done on leaving & getting through the last few months helpme. Some lovely advice given to you. All I can offer is very best wishes.
Good riddance regarding that vile thread. Just left a very nasty taste in the mouth.

helpmekeepstrong Mon 22-Dec-14 23:28:59

apotatoprintinapeartree thank you very much. I hope you have a very happy Christmas too.

helpmekeepstrong Mon 22-Dec-14 23:32:12

Quite so prodigal! Good bloody riddance. Peace on earth and goodwill eh!
Happy Christmas! x

Temp09578 Mon 22-Dec-14 23:35:51

You're welcome helpme. This was a poignant thread to pop up in active convos for me, Christmas is always a very difficult time for us and all who do not have the social norm of circumstances (if that makes sense, I have had a glass of wine smile. I am so glad I didn't see the other thread, sounds horrible. Wishing you every strength and meetings of lovely people to help you through flowers

HelenaDove Mon 22-Dec-14 23:44:34

Wishing you a Merry Christmas helpme x

bananaramadramallama Tue 23-Dec-14 00:50:31

I didn't see the thread, but I wanted to echo others on this thread - people are 'brave' (twats), hiding behind a keyboard, but will be very unlikely to say that to you in real life.

Just remember, you don't have to explain anything to anybody - your business is your business, no-one else's. Hold your head up and be proud - you are a strong woman and you have made the hardest step by leaving.

flowers to anyone going through similar, or for whom this time of year is particularly hard.

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