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Regarding ex in-laws. I probably am.

(17 Posts)
TickledOnion Mon 22-Dec-14 22:09:29

ExH left me for OW in February. I feel I have moved on. I am happy, have lovely friends and family who have helped me out and feel quite good about my life.
I used to be close to my in-laws, very much part of the family. We saw them once a week and DDs adore them. I haven't seen them much this year, I've been to a few family things (ex-h wasn't there) and the DDs have seen them loads with exH. I know ex-MIL is still very upset about the break up and really wants to see more of me. She just texted to say how much they all miss me and that they will always be there for me.
Am I being a heartless cow for not wanting that much to do with her? I just feel really awkward around them.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 22-Dec-14 22:13:24

I would text back and wish her a very happy Christmas and new year, Mabey catch up in the new year. So it's polite and non committal. She sounds really lovely.

midori1999 Mon 22-Dec-14 22:14:01

I think it's understandable, but your ex MIL sounds like she is trying to be supportive and she must feel very sad about the breakup as it probably means she will naturally see her grandchildren less and she obviously considered you part of the family. Maybe just try to be glad she's not being a nasty cow? My MILwould no doubt have some sort of party if DH and I split. She certainly wouldn't be supportive and probably wouldn't contact me.

DontstepontheMomeRaths Mon 22-Dec-14 22:16:55

I chose to keep strife out of my relationship with PIL after their son left me for family friend. I never discuss him with them. The DCs love them and 5 years on we have a really good relationship. I'm there on Christmas Day.

It is awkward at first but I felt it was important they still saw their grandparents. They love them.

If I waited for my ExH to take the kids instead. They'd hardly see them.

That's my experience and luckily I really like my PIL too.

I couldn't judge from your small post alone but I would say to try and maintain a friendly relationship with good boundaries. The awkwardness fades. It's for the DCs not you.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 22-Dec-14 22:22:59

I would send her a card telling just how much you appreciate her kindness and saying what you did here - that it just feels awkward but you will try

she sounds nice - and she probably misses you

madmother1 Mon 22-Dec-14 22:25:02

Having split up after 23 years, my MIL is still a big part of my life. She is now 82 and I help out when I can. I see it as repaying her for all the times she dropped her plans and helped out with the kids when they were little. I do not have my parents anymore and need the relationship still I guess?
I usually see her on my own, or sometimes with my teenage children. I have to remind my ex DH to take the kids to see her, as he seems to forget that she likes to see them. We never discuss my ex DH and I splitting up, we just enjoy each others company.
As a family, I still see my ex SIL and her children and we often go out for family meals with my ex DH and it's nice that they invite me along on occasions. Although at the moment, both my ex DH and I do not have new partners. Do it for your DC.

florentina1 Mon 22-Dec-14 22:26:10

I think this is such a difficult situation. I think meeting is fraught with difficulties. I would just text on birthdays and maybe an occasional thankyou when kids have had a good time with her.

TickledOnion Mon 22-Dec-14 22:55:08

I think I have to make more effort despite the awkwardness. (I was hoping for a few YABUs to give me a kick up the arse). MIL is a lovely lady, but quite emotional which I find a bit hard to deal with.
Ex has a very large close extended family. All his aunts got in touch with me to tell me how sad they are about us. His sister and SILs have really made an effort with me.
I think part of my problem is that I don't miss him or them as much as they expect.

florentina1 Mon 22-Dec-14 23:05:02

There is a problem for them that they probably have not forseen. If he gets a new partner having you still in the picture will be difficult for her and for them.

I think you seem more sensible than they are about your position.

florentina1 Mon 22-Dec-14 23:06:57

Sorry just seen that there already is an OW. Are they hoping that you two might get back together?

Purplepoodle Mon 22-Dec-14 23:50:37

Been through this with a family member and when they split it felt like loosing a member of the family. They may think much more of you then your ex. Perhaps you could arrange to drop in for a cuppa every couple of weeks for half an hour or meet them in a coffee shop. I'm sure they would love to hear how u r doing and how their dgc is doing from you. Sons can be a bit crap about stuff like that. Even the odd text photo of your dc doing something can make them feel like your keeping in touch

Frogme Mon 22-Dec-14 23:58:51

Difficult. Keep in touch but not too regularly. Perhaps say how difficult you find it at the moment as it is a bit too raw. If they are as nice as you say, they will understand.

Frogme Mon 22-Dec-14 23:59:31

I missed my bil when my dsis and him split up.

TiggerLillies Tue 23-Dec-14 00:13:02

Try not to blame them for your ex's 'crimes'. I know what it is to be the in-law and see your family member be complete idiots. We no longer have contact with their child and have not quite forgiven the family member. It has been 15+ years. My mother will never forget her grandchild and I can only pray that some day there is contact again.

ProcrastinaRemNunc Tue 23-Dec-14 00:24:00

Your DC have their relationship with their DGP - that's lovely. You do not need to maintain a 'friendship' where there wouldn't naturally be one. It's understandable that you'd prefer to leave relationships associated with your x behind you and you have every right to do so. Be polite (she sounds well intended) but you really aren't bound to maintaining contact with her.

BaffledSomeMore Tue 23-Dec-14 00:31:56

I'd go with something like "I've been coming to terms with what xh did and have been licking my wounds but I do appreciate your continuing kindness and I hope you and I can find a way to move forward as friends"

DontstepontheMomeRaths Tue 23-Dec-14 07:26:39

It's ok not to miss him or them as much as expected.

It can't be quite the same as it used to be. But friendly relations is possible. I remember in the early days needing space to process it all. FIL used to try and call a lot. I ended up adding caller id to my home phone line! But as things settled and I learnt to set good boundaries, it became a lot easier and he learnt not to call so much!

The DCs love them and I've learnt to enable that relationship. You get past the awkwardness as I said earlier and you find a way to muddle forward that works for you.

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