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MIL thinks I should make more effort - is it me or her who is BU

(51 Posts)
myfurbyisalive Mon 22-Dec-14 16:17:48

OK so before current DP I had 2 other LTR's. In both of them I kept a little book with the birthdays of all siblings, siblings partners, nieces/nephews and parents ofc. I would always be the one to remember, buy the cards and presents for any occasion. No mean feat especially as one exP had 8 brothers and sisters and 10 nieces and nephews, as well as 5 parents (dad, step-mum, mum, current step-dad and previous step dad).

When I got with DP I decided I CBA with all that, it was DP's family and he should be the one to make the effort. So for xmas I buy my family cards and presents and get them sent out, same for birthdays, anniversarys etc. DP does nothing. Blames it on being too busy and will not even ring his DM on her birthday let alone send a card. He sees his parents about 2 times a year (we only live about 50 miles away). Gets annoyed when his mum calls and texts etc.

A bit back DM messaged me on FB telling me how upset SIL was that DP had not congratulated her on her engagement basically telling me I needed to do something about it. I told DP what had happened and he rang his sis but seriously it is not my problem/responsibility.

Now she made some snide comment about how she sends us lovely cards but gets nothing back in return. AIBU to think shes out of order to direct this at me at all rather than her son? Or should I be responsible for it?

ApocalypseThen Mon 22-Dec-14 16:20:18

Of course you shouldn't be responsible. His family, his job. It's his mother's own fault that she raised her son to be neglectful of his family and now she's reaping what she sowed. Let her at it.

SwedishEdith Mon 22-Dec-14 16:20:43

No, yanbu. Don't rise to it.

Lottapianos Mon 22-Dec-14 16:21:20

'When I got with DP I decided I CBA with all that, it was DP's family and he should be the one to make the effort'

And quite right too. Some people seem to have the idea that its down to the woman in the partnership to do all of the planning and admin. My mother does this, as do lots of women I know. I think its daft. They're his family, why on earth would it be your job to keep track of this stuff? You buy for your family, he should buy (and make time) for his. She is out of order to be putting this on you.

spinduchess Mon 22-Dec-14 16:22:15

YANBU! Whenever she starts saying this, go and get your DH - pass him the phone, physcially get him, CC him into the email. It isn't your problem.

MrsKoala Mon 22-Dec-14 16:22:15

Does she/they send a card/stuff to you? or is it just addressed to DH?

Optimistletoe1 Mon 22-Dec-14 16:22:43

Stick to your guns, furby ! As you rightly deduced after being in charge of the birthdays, etc for your previous partners, there's no logic in it being Women's Work. Suggested response to your MIL : "Next thing you'll be telling me I'm neglectful in not ironing his shirts!" Good luck ... fwink

mynewpassion Mon 22-Dec-14 16:24:51

I think if she's sending you a card and gift for you, you should do the same back. Otherwise everything should be his.

Also, if you are on good terms with his family, a congrats on engagement from you seems nice. Or are in the mind that, you have nothing to do with his family?

Mrsgrumble Mon 22-Dec-14 16:25:35


When I got married I didn't start the whole present buying for dh side of the family or cards. He did all before and continues to. You have enough to do. He just sends vouchers so it probably looks obvious I don't do all but I really don't give a damn. I have no idea when his mothers birthday it. That said, she is the least materialistic person I have met and I regularly buy her flowers for no reason. At least she knows when she gets them, it's because I think a lot of her than because I have to.

Nope, I wouldn't get sucked into it all.

DurhamDurham Mon 22-Dec-14 16:25:41

I agree that she is angry with the wrong person, having said that I couldn't not send nieces and nephews cards just to make a point to my DP. Me and DH basically remind each other when a birthday is coming up and the least one busy gets the job of selecting one and posting it. If my DH had agreed to DP this and then forgotten/not bothered I would feel the need to remind him or do it myself. I can totally understand your partner's family being upset but they should definitely be upset with him not you.

Chuffingelves01 Mon 22-Dec-14 16:25:48


My mum is the same - I think it's a generation thing - she would class getting cards, gifts and making phone calls as a pink job!

StackladysMorphicResonator Mon 22-Dec-14 16:30:10

I think if she's sending you a card and gift for you, you should do the same back. Otherwise everything should be his.


Beangarda Mon 22-Dec-14 16:30:16

Of course YANBU. His family, his responsibility. Since when does having a vagina make you the caretaker of all extended family relationships?

TwoLittleTerrors Mon 22-Dec-14 16:31:14

I'm on your side. His family is his family. He should be the one who buys the presemts and write the cards. He didn't care that much if he's not doing it did he? I will tell your MIL that.

HamPortCourt Mon 22-Dec-14 16:40:03

YANBU - it's wifework. Fuck that!

If he can't be arsed to bother then that's down to him and the way she brought him up

If it continues I would just innocently ask "Why on earth are you asking me? Ask DH"

mommy2ash Mon 22-Dec-14 16:41:07

I dunno if you know point blank he isn't going to bother doing it, it wouldn't kill you to send the woman a Christmas card. I wouldn't run around reminding him of every little thing but if you are already sending out a batch to your family what's the harm with sending one to her.

myfurbyisalive Mon 22-Dec-14 16:41:11

She sends us a joint xmas card but addressed to DP so only gets opened when DP can be arsed to go to the post room of our apartment.

We haven't got any gifts. Nor have we received cards or gifts from his father and his wife.

I do feel a bit bad that she has sent us a card so we should send one back but it's DP's responsibility. Why should I do his chores because he is 'too busy.'

My mother and grandparents sent joint cards as well as joint and individual presents.

myfurbyisalive Mon 22-Dec-14 16:43:21

He also doesn't have any nieces or nephews yet so no one is being left out. Still, I doubt I would buy for them anyway. I have seen his sister twice in the last 2 years, as has he. I barely know his family.

MadameJosephine Mon 22-Dec-14 16:45:21

YANBU, this sort of thing really pisses me off, you don't become responsible for his family just because you are female! Tell MIL to discuss it with her son

ToAvoidConversation Mon 22-Dec-14 16:46:30

Speak to her directly. Tell her what you have ended up doing in the past and therefore why you don't do it any more. If she's a bit older she might assume it's you that's beint neglectful because it's traditionally been a women's job!??

I do exactly the same as you do and sometimes I feel a bit bad and occasionally I might see something for one of the inlaws and help DH out but really it's his task.

ConfusedInBath Mon 22-Dec-14 16:46:59

If someone sent ME a lovely card I would send them one back.

AhoyMcCoy Mon 22-Dec-14 16:47:44

Hmmmmm I feel weird going against the grain here, but I think YABU.

If you are in a LTR, then to me, your DP/DHs family become yours too. When I married my DH, I married his family and became part of him family. I would NEVER not send MIL a card but do it to my own family! And I would never think "you buy for your family and I buy for mine", I just don't separate our family in that way. They are BOTH of our family, not 'mine' and 'his.'

notagainffffffffs Mon 22-Dec-14 16:49:52

Yanbu, I do it all for our family but thats because I really really enjoy shopping and picking presents. DH is very grateful but thats not why I do it

TwoLittleTerrors Mon 22-Dec-14 16:53:40

ahoy because DH doesn't buy for my family? I don't go out for tea with my MIL. She's not my mum. (DH is a lone child so no siblings). It's as simple as that. I have a full time job just like him. Why should I be doing that just because it's the women's job? I don't iron or fold his laundry either. He's capable of doing it (or not in the OP case) before me. Maybe his mum didn't brought him up right

SwedishEdith Mon 22-Dec-14 16:54:45

Ahoy that is fine if he does the cards some/alternate years. I doubt that happens in lots of families.

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