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to spend Christmas with friends instead of family

(17 Posts)
mommy2ash Mon 22-Dec-14 12:40:41

my mum loves Christmas. makes a huge deal every year in the run up to it but every year it gets ruined by her drinking from Christmas eve into the next day. my dad hates Christmas and is a bigger grump than he usually is. every few years my brother also ruins the day by turning up mid dinner drunk and looking for a lift to friends houses. last year was the worst and I vowed there and then to not come for Christmas again.

we don't have extended family so it's just us, nobody enjoys it, dinner hi a ten minute affair and after the obligatory arguments i am sent home in a bad mood to spend the day alone while they drink.

I have stuck to my word and repeated every time Christmas has come up that I won't be attending. apparently im ruining Christmas for mum as it's her favourite time of year and for family.

I was going to do Christmas at home with my dd but a good friend said No way you are coming to ours. my dd is best friends with her dd and I know we will enjoy the day. again I've been told if mum finds this out she will be heartbroken and im selfish. maybe it is selfish but I think after nearly 30 years of my family's weird idea of Christmas im entitled to be.

before anyone says it yes I am aware that I won't always have my parents and or siblings around but I don't think that gives them free reign to behave the way they do. in fact I've avoided most of them for months and have had quite a peaceful time.

does anyone spend Christmas away from family?

Lottapianos Mon 22-Dec-14 12:45:27

YANBU in the slightest. I hope to follow in your footsteps next year. I am very low contact with my family and decided not to even consider seeing them this year. I feel sad but relieved. We will be spending Christmas with my ILs, against my better judgement, but poor DP has been guilt tripped into it. Am dreading the emotional manipulation and martyrdom.

Loads of people would love to do what you're doing OP. It is not down to you to turn Christmas into a magical affair for your mother or anybody else. You are entitled to celebrate Christmas in a way that you find fun. There is nothing selfish about that. Its very telling that you say the last few months have been very peaceful without them in your life - hold onto that!

Oh I really wish the whole damn thing could be cancelled! It's just more fuel for toxic martyrs who seem to hold the whole world responsible for their happiness.

Mammanat222 Mon 22-Dec-14 12:45:43

No way would I take my child to an event where I know people would be pissed / there would be arguments.

Got to your friends, have a lovely day and let your family drink themselves into oblivion.

mommy2ash Mon 22-Dec-14 12:50:55

it feels good to hear other people agree :-)

they don't drink to the extent they are falling around but my mum can't drink after one her whole personality changes I've never seen it to this extent with anyone else before. my dad wants a drink so drops us home before he is over the limit. this means we are collected at 12 dropped home by 2 and in a bad mood so hard to salvage the day after that.

my sister goes to her husband's family after who do the whole typical lovely family postcard version of Christmas so she can shake off the bad feeling it's much harder to do that at home alone.

Lottapianos Mon 22-Dec-14 12:55:54

OP, however much they drink or don't drink, the bottom line is that you don't enjoy it. You're an adult now and you don't have to put up with crap behaviour and guilt tripping that is designed to make you feel like a child again. How lovely of your friend to offer and it sounds like something you are genuinely looking forward to. Go for it.

Goldmandra Mon 22-Dec-14 12:58:56

You are not responsible for their happiness.

They ABU to expect you to arrange your whole day so you are available for one two-hour slot, especially as that two hours won't be particularly pleasant.

I don't think YABU. You need to explain to your family that your DD deserves to have lots of fun on Christmas day and that won't happen if you go to them for lunch.

I am shock that you are only invited for two hours.

mommy2ash Mon 22-Dec-14 13:01:22

thanks for that. I actually am looking forward to it they are a lovely family and I know my dd will really enjoy it. her husband already went out to buy some bubbly for us and is worrying if I will like the food bless him.

now I just need to decide what to bring. my friend said nothing but obviously I wouldn't do that. we aren't doing presents so I don't want to embarrass them by showing up with gifts either. I was thinking some wine, a nice box of biscuits and some chocolates. maybe some novelty stuff for the kids to share i did see some giant crackers they would love

Andanotherthing123 Mon 22-Dec-14 13:03:02

Yanbu-good on you for calling last orders on a miserable Christmas! Enjoy seeing your friend and keep focussing on your right to have a Christmas you and dd can enjoy.

Lottapianos Mon 22-Dec-14 13:05:11

'I was thinking some wine, a nice box of biscuits and some chocolates'

Sounds lovely. Gosh, they are extremely generous folks, lucky you!

Goldmandra Mon 22-Dec-14 13:10:14

That sounds lovely. I think the novelty items for the children is a particularly good idea as their DD will have all her new toys and it could get a bit awkward if your DD wants to play with them all.

Your friends sound lovely and I think you richly deserve to have a lovely day with them. May I strongly suggest that you 'forget' to take your phone with you?

mommy2ash Mon 22-Dec-14 13:11:19

best idea ever i think I will lose my phone that day lol

mommy2ash Thu 25-Dec-14 23:21:23


for the first time in probably forever i have had such a lovely day. I have never been more grateful to have such lovely friends. the kids enjoyed it nobody had an argument lovely atmosphere i don't know why I didn't break from my family sooner. hope everyone has had a wonderful Christmas

AntiHop Fri 26-Dec-14 00:45:10

Glad you did it.

Many years ago my sister and I decided that we'd had enough of stressful and unpleasant Christmas days spent with our parents so we decided never to spend Christmas with either of them again. We've had lovely Christmases ever since.

Balaboosta Fri 26-Dec-14 09:21:07

Well done, OP. Happy Christmas!

RandomNPC Fri 26-Dec-14 09:47:19

Well done you! Glad it was fab.

Lottapianos Fri 26-Dec-14 10:01:07

Wonderful! So glad you had a lovely day. After another ghastly Xmas day with ILs, I have decided that DP and I are too old for this nonsense and will be suiting ourselves in future

Andrewofgg Fri 26-Dec-14 11:09:23

Free at last, free at last . . . well done.

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