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AIBU?

like having a third child DH makes me apoplectic

92 replies

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 08:37

Yesterday was a typical example.We were due to be somewhere at 3pm, he wanted to clean the cars in the morning so went outside at 10ish....I showered, got the children's breakfast, washed up, fed dog etc. I then popped out to do some food shopping. Returned at 1.15, DH still in the garden messing about, reminded him of timing and went to put shopping away and make some snacks and drinks as we were taking children skating.
Fast forward to 1.45 and me starting to get angry at seeing him hosing down the steps in the garden (hardly a priority at this time of year), I again reminded him of time and returned to get children dressed, gloves, hats gathered etc. He finally came in at 2pm and I was so wound up by this time, especially as he had said he would walk the dog and hadn't. He showered and we got in the car at 2.30 for a 30 minute journey to be on the ice at 3pm.
I was mad with him and when he told me to stop going on I got out of the car and told him to go on his own. I then walked the dog and left him to it telling the children to have a good time but I was too mad with daddy to go.

This is a common theme, how can i remedy it, he just laughs and finds it funny. I actually find it disrespectful and no matter how many times I ask him to allow sufficient time so I don't get stressed he ignores it. It seems as though there is one parent and three children in the situation.
I do love him to bits, he works hard for the family but I spontaneously combust if this carries on, any advice?

OP posts:

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StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/12/2014 08:42

Without knowing his side i think you were unreasonable to spoil your childrens day out, you actually got out of the car and missed out on the fun?

They got to the venue on time I assume?

TanteRose · 22/12/2014 08:42

but you set off at 2:30 and would have arrived at 3pm as planned...

apart from not walking the dog, he was on schedule, surely?

although he shouldn't have left all the preparations to you of course

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2014 08:45

You left on time though. what exactly is the problem?

diddl · 22/12/2014 08:46

Sorry but all I got from that was that the dog hadn't been walked by 2.30 & wasn't going to be as you were all going out?

Sounds as if he knows that it winds you up & he does it on purpose.

That & it gets him out of family work, it seems.

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 08:46

I don't think I spoiled their day out, I was so mad if I had gone I would have been simmering. We were meeting friends so they were more excited about that and wouldn't have noticed me not being there once they arrived. My gripe is the stress involved when it is unnecessary, he does not contribute to getting the children ready ever, surely two parents are just that, a shared load. It is just always the same, me nagging for him to get a move on, him leaving everything to the last minute, me getting stressed!! GRRRRR

OP posts:

StockingFullOfCoal · 22/12/2014 08:48

YABVU

Whats the issue? It was all done and you were on time. Dog walking could be done later.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2014 08:49

Also don't really get the scale of your anger seeing as you left on time? Seems a shame you couldn't suck it up for the children then speak to him later? Yes, I get the frustration, but he wasn't sitting on his bum doing nothing. Maybe he was pissy as being dictated to about what he was to do for the morning?

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/12/2014 08:50

The problem is that she is wound up because he has ignored her pleas all the morning and has been doing so much work while he is just facing around in the garden. There is no way she could have enjoyed the day even by arriving on time, as she had spent the morning nagging.

My advice? Don't nag, go on with your day as if he was not there and, leave him there if he is not ready on time.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/12/2014 08:51

Facing=faffing

diddl · 22/12/2014 08:51

I get it OP, another weekend & he's doing what he wants before doing what needs doing, leaving OP to do everything.

Eastpoint · 22/12/2014 08:52

I get why op's annoyed - he faffed about in the garden, had one family responsibility which he failed to do. She bought food, fed the children, dog etc. He acted as if he was a single man with zero commitments, she acted as a parent.

Poor you OP.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/12/2014 08:53

I am fairly obsessive about not being late , I recognise that and know that I have to rein it in at times.

Do you think he is trying to make a point and not jumping to attention when he senses you're getting riled , does he have a point?

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 08:54

No we didn't leave on time. It takes a good 15 minutes to queue up for skates, get them on etc and get on the ice, no time allowed for traffic or a chat with friends first that we were due to meet. I have no issue with him having his agenda for the morning just always leaves everything until the last minute. And our dog is an issue if he isn't walked in the morning. The scale of my anger is from repeated episodes of the same. In a partnership surely one person should adapt their behaviour if it makes others stressed? I make plenty of adaptations for him

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/12/2014 08:54

I get it too, he found chores he'd rather do then help get the dc ready etc. would drive me mad too if it was a recurrent common theme.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/12/2014 08:54

I think the OP wouldn't be feeling so enraged if this was a one off. It is difficult to be married to some one that is only another child to care for.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2014 08:54

'I presume you are not coming as you haven't walked the dog or got ready. See you later, byeeee! '. Why ruin you own day being furious?

diddl · 22/12/2014 08:55

Another time OP, take the dog out & leave him to look after the kids & do the shopping.

TanteRose · 22/12/2014 08:57

OP, I actually do see what you mean...

also, the fact that he was laughing about is a bit off.

He does sound a bit of a child

fairylightsonthetree · 22/12/2014 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

furcoatbigknickers · 22/12/2014 08:57

He was doing something, garden maintenance? I don't get why your so angry. Not fair on dcs to not go.

Finola1step · 22/12/2014 08:59

He does sound a bit "last minute dot com". But you were all ready to leave on time.

I can see both sides. You would have liked more help with the dc. He was actually doing useful stuff such as cleaning the car, stuff in the garden. But I do not see the need for the regular time reminders. Just agree a time to be ready and get on with it. Also agree what needs to be done in that time window and by who if need be.

He's an adult, I'm sure he can read the time. Your behaviour in refusing to go when you were all ready and on time was OTT.

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 08:59

My Dh is like this and it drives me mad. He will take no part in getting us ready for anything, even Christmas or going on holiday. He turns up at the last minute and sits there like a guest .

His total contribution to our summer holiday is carrying the suitcases from the front door to the car . Full stop.

At Christmas if I ask him to eg load the dishwasher , he will shout at the kids to do it . He will do nothing else , if I turn my back for a minute he will be off playing on his computer .

If we are going somewhere , I have to tell him the wrong time ie an hour or thirty minutes earlier. Otherwise we are late and its me who has to deal with the consequences, not him .

Right now he is taking one child to the dentist . This is the second time he's taken a child to the dentist in 25 years of parenting . I had to tell him that the appointment is at 9, it's actually 9:15. Because otherwise he will be late and the dentist won't take the child, and we won't get another appointment until next year and the treatment has to be done now.

I know this is treating him like a child but I can't work out what the alternative is, except aLways taking two cars everywhere or the kids suffering because of it.

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ApocalypseThen · 22/12/2014 09:00

I totally get why you were annoyed, OP, my dad was the same when we were growing up. He had himself to organise and mam was responsible for literally everything else. When the right time came to leave the house he'd be sitting in the car waiting while mam was chasing around looking for the one of us who'd deshoed now and trying to get it all sorted.

He was on time, couldn't see the problem or why mam was ruining things by being stressed and annoyed. Why couldn't she be all laid back like him?

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 09:00

That's just it Eastpoint, you nailed it. He does act like a single man. I would rather sit at my sewing machine some days but I do what needs doing first then any remaining time is your own surely. Maybe I do need to rein in my need to be on time but I think I need a sit down chat. He was defo in the wrong and apologised by making me a sandwich when he got home (I was upstairs working on some complicated paperwork for his parents...and was still there at 11pm last night). He never says sorry but he did yesterday, maybe today is the day to calmly explain why I get so wound up!

OP posts:

Cathycat · 22/12/2014 09:00

I would be irritated by this as well. You have a list of things in your head to be ticked off before x time and he is just filling time. My dh shares but only if I point him in the right direction. We have a list that I write out the night before and he knows how rubbish he is and asks what do we need to do today? I always answer sorry it's not in my head it's on the list so choose a job you like. I don't know what you could do other than tell him what to do or ask him to help you with your particular job that you are doing therefore halving its time. The good thing about the second technique is that you are together on your day off work, get to chat with each other and just generally have a nice time while getting jobs done quickly. Next time he wanders off to do the equivalent of hosing steps in December why not tell him to help you with your current task. I suppose it depends on how selfish he is...

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