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To expect DPs to spend (roughly) the same on my DCs?

(151 Posts)
WaityCakey Sun 21-Dec-14 20:25:40


So... took delivery of Christmas presents off my parents today for dd 4 and ds 2.

DDs is something dd will really love and cost £20. They have also given DD a 2nd something - I can't make out what, maybe a book.

I wasn't asked for any suggestions for DS (they didn't ask for DD, I just asked my mum if something DD had asked for would be suitable to come from DPs) so had no idea what they might have got him. But DH said when we got home "what's this they've got DS, it feels like one of those £10 blah-blahs".

I opened up DS' gift and it is indeed a £10 toy grossly unsuitable for his age and will need to be put in the loft until he's older.

This has made me feel really awful and so sad for DS. I just have idea why DPs would have done this.

I have never known them to spend £10 on their DCs before. This is NOT about the actual money, it's about fairness. TBH it wouldn't bother me quite so much if the £10 had gone to buy something that ds would really, really love.

I do have several theories as to how/why this might have happened. But don't want to go in to too much detail on here. But either way, I find it really hurtful that they've spent more than double on dd than ds, and got her a totally unnecessary 2nd gift.

What do I do? I kind of want to address it. Because I want them to know it's hurtful. And I'd like to understand why. But then I don't want to cause a fuss when it's not worth it. They do have a bit to worry about right now.

Shall I just say "oooh... I noticed I've got 2 presents here for dd, but 1 for ds... I just wanted to check I'm not missing something?"


ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside Sun 21-Dec-14 20:30:36

So what you're saying is your parents have spent double the amount on your dd than they have on your ds? And what they've bought your ds isn't suitable for him as it's too old?

I think at 2 years of age, your D's isn't likely to notice or care what is spent on him. It's unfortunate that the toy is too old for him but maybe they didn't realise or thought he'd really enjoy it when he's older. I just don't think it's worth bothering about atm. If they were older I'd expect both to get more or less the same but when they are that young I really don't think it's that big a deal.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Dec-14 20:34:05

If you carry on with this line of thought, you're going to end up with the sort of children who do mental maths on Xmas morning...totting up everything that was spent on who.

Let the money thing go, he's a 2yr old baby and they bought him something they thought he would enjoy.

It's a shame it wasn't suitable but grandparents don't always get it right.

sooperdooper Sun 21-Dec-14 20:35:57

I think you're being a bit melodramatic tbh and why did you open the present anyway??

thatwhichwecallarose Sun 21-Dec-14 20:35:58

You unwrapped your DS Christmas present?


corgiology Sun 21-Dec-14 20:36:01

Buy them something else suitable and put the label on from your parents on?

Not that DS would know but at least then they are more equal?

Talk to them though, no point ignoring the issue smile

Artandco Sun 21-Dec-14 20:37:58

Huh, why did you unwrap his gift?

Tbh I think it's fine. They brought them something in the approx same money range anyway. If they had spent £100s on one and £5 on the other it would be different

Actually my parents have spent diff this year. I asked them to get them both a new winter coat. Ds1's was £65, ds2's was £110. Both brought for style and function, not cost

usualsuspect333 Sun 21-Dec-14 20:38:43

I don't always spend the same amount on my Grandchildren.

I just get them what they ask for or something I think they will like.

I don't think my DD even notices if I've spent more on one than the other.

addictedtosugar Sun 21-Dec-14 20:39:12

Hmm, well as the parent of a 3 yr old who is getting a 6+ present, and a 5 yr old who asked for a 7+ present for his last birthday, I take age ranges with a pinch of salt.

I'd also not worry about the value - you don't know they didn't get an amazing bargain on the gift for DD, hence the top up to make it equal.

My parents have always made sure things balance in the long run - so if DB got an expensive b'day present, and there was nothing I'd wanted, I'd have been more likely than him to get a big Christmas present. On the other hand, my Grandmother was adamant that all her grandchildren would have the same spent on them - to the extent we would get 50p pieces taped to the top of the present. I think my parents system is better.

So, I think YWBU if mention anything to them, other than maybe the age sensibility for DS - but not til after Christmas.

LadyLuck10 Sun 21-Dec-14 20:41:20

Yabu. If you start looking for issues like this you will definitely damage the relationship between your parents and dc. Don't be difficult when there isn't a need for it.

magpieginglebells Sun 21-Dec-14 20:41:34

I would hate to give a family some gifts and have them prod, poke and then open them so they can figure out what it is before the day. Your 2 year old doesn't know what things cost. It's not about money. My parents have given me some gifts for my daughter, they are still in the bag and am excited to help her open them on Christmas Day, and when they are opened I won't be totting up what they have spent!

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 21-Dec-14 20:42:19

I think you're overthinking this and overeacting.

Poor parents. You sound like hard work.

sooperdooper Sun 21-Dec-14 20:42:24

I think it's weird to automatically think about how much the presents cost, for God sake don't mention it, you'll sound incredibly ungrateful

WaityCakey Sun 21-Dec-14 20:43:12

Yes ItIsSmaller, what I wrote an essay about you have summarised perfectly in two lines! blush

The problem isn't the actual money, as such. It's the fact that DDs present is a visibly bigger present than what they got DS. And the fact that not only have they spent more, they have deliberately got dd a 2nd present.

And he's not a baby - closer to 3 than 2 - so actually I think he will notice. Especially when I have to take it off him.

Worral of course I wouldn't want that!! But my mum always went to great lengths to make sure everything 'totted' up right when buying for me and my siblings. Which is why this is so weird.

But, yes, maybe it's not worth upsetting anyone over. This isn't the first time though. DD got a very special 'keep forever' 1st birthday present and ds got something very bog-standard, I can't even remember what now.

usualsuspect333 Sun 21-Dec-14 20:43:40

I've spent more on my eldest Grandson this year,not because I like him more but because what he asked for was a bit more expensive than what his brother asked for.

Chandon Sun 21-Dec-14 20:44:11

Agree 100/ with worraliberty's post!

Chill out OP

yabu and a bit precious

tumbletumble Sun 21-Dec-14 20:45:07

I think you are over reacting a bit, given that DS is too young to understand how much has or hasn't been spent on him. Is there a back story here?

Garcia10 Sun 21-Dec-14 20:45:35

As a pp - why did you open up DS' present?! Bizarre behaviour.

You are a bit weird. I wouldn't even think of working out the value of presents to see who had been given the most. Fair enough if they hadn't bought DS anything but they did.

Looks like you are looking for a problem. What's the backstory?

BarbarianMum Sun 21-Dec-14 20:47:37

I think this is the sort of thing that is only a problem if it happens consistently. As a one off, just ignore.

WoodliceCollection Sun 21-Dec-14 20:48:34

I wouldn't spend as much on my own 2yo as on my own 4yo, if I'd had that age gap- let alone expecting grandparents to do so. If the present isn't safe for his age then maybe tell them that, but ffs don't go and harangue them about money because a 2yo really isn't going to thank you for making sure they get £20 spent on them rather than just being excited about wrapping paper.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Dec-14 20:48:49

Worral of course I wouldn't want that!! But my mum always went to great lengths to make sure everything 'totted' up right when buying for me and my siblings. Which is why this is so weird.

But these are not your Mum's children confused

I'm sure you and your DH will tot them up the same

Your parents have bought gifts that aren't wildly different in terms of money.

Please think about this or you really will end up with green eyed children, who will put value over pleasure/gratitude.

If when they're older there are vast differences, then point it out but really just leave it for now.

WaityCakey Sun 21-Dec-14 20:48:50

Interesting thoughts - thank you all.

I didn't open it, I peeked. This isn't unusual for me - I've had a couple of meltdowns in the past when people have given incredibly unsuitable gifts that have to be taken away. Or duplicates that also have to be taken away. I have taken something back and replaced for something else before the event before. That's not very practical for presents from DPs though.

I guess my issue is that I think the buying was probably being done by my dad, rather than my mum. And for various reasons, this is likely to continue. My mum would never have done this.

But... I'm sure you're all right. Thoughtless, maybe. But not spiteful so I need to get over it.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 21-Dec-14 20:49:45

But my mum always went to great lengths to make sure everything 'totted' up right when buying for me and my siblings.

Ah so you are used to comparing your gifts with your siblings. Do yourself and your DCs a favour- break this cycle now! Seriously. Look what it is now doing to you as an adult- feeling hurt over a difference of £10, taking it personally an considering causing an issue with your parents. Really that is not what xmas should be about. In the nicest possible way, step back, catch a grip then get on with enjoying xmas. Your parents will more than likely even things up over the years. You said yourself they have other things to worry about right now.

WaityCakey Sun 21-Dec-14 20:51:56

Mmm... I guess there is a back story. You're all right. You have saved me from myself and I will shut up and get some wine.

I will tell them it's got to go in the loft (after christmas) but not mention that there's twice as much present for one than the other.


WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 21-Dec-14 20:52:00

I've had a couple of meltdowns in the past when people have given incredibly unsuitable gifts that have to be taken away.

You sound very controlling.

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