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To not want to visit?

(40 Posts)
slithytove Sun 21-Dec-14 14:19:00

This year for the first in 5, we are not hosting Christmas.

We are having a big family meal on the 23rd, providing everything.
We are then having our own small Christmas.
We are then hosting nye, again providing everything.

Saved up loads for the above.

My sister has been making noises about having everyone round hers for Boxing Day. It's a faff for us as we have a 3 month old and a 'spirited' 21 month old, but we were happy to make the effort (high chair, ds toys, plates, changing stuff etc) as dsis rarely hosts. Her house is also the least child friendly I've ever come across - think raised marble fireplace, splintered floorboards, ornaments everywhere.

Was told today she wants us to bring our own food and drink.

Which tbh feels like she wants the benefit of seeing everyone without going to any effort. We don't have the extra money to provide food and drink for someone else's party, plus the effort involved has just increased.

Aibu to not go? DH doesn't want to either.

and yes I know it's an invitation not a summons but she will not be happy and will not understand

KnittingInGreen Sun 21-Dec-14 14:22:02

I wouldn't go.

But then I think it's very bad form to invite people round and expect them to bring the food and drink. If I am hosting at my house then I fully expect to feed and water everyone!

TheGonnagle Sun 21-Dec-14 14:22:19

Just tell her you already have plans. It doesn't matter if your plans are sitting in your pyjamas eating chocolate watching films, they're still your plans.
Ignore any sulking, it's your prerogative to spend the day as you wish.
And fwiw, the bring your own is just plain rude!

oswellkettleblack Sun 21-Dec-14 14:23:02

I would decline. She has a cheek.

slithytove Sun 21-Dec-14 14:25:24

I'd already said we were up for it and kept the day free. It's just hearing this has made me feel like the initial effort isn't worth it, let alone with extra effort.

It's not even like I can take leftovers as our Christmas dinner is individually portioned.

championnibbler Sun 21-Dec-14 14:27:16

Don't go.

slithytove Sun 21-Dec-14 14:27:56

My mum will sulk as well and think I'm being difficult.

Fwiw, dsis is a veggie, meaning that I go out of my way to make sure that she has special veggie sides (I can't deprive everyone else of meaty gravy and goose fat roasties) and a nice main course when she is here.

That she can't even put out a couple of salads and some bread is a bit confused to me

oswellkettleblack Sun 21-Dec-14 14:28:52

So back out. Tell her you did not expect to have to provide food and drink, don't have the resources for it and so won't be coming along.

oswellkettleblack Sun 21-Dec-14 14:29:53

Let her sulk then. Stop putting yourself out for them, they don't appreciate it.

KnittingInGreen Sun 21-Dec-14 14:29:55

Just say you're all ill on boxing day!

dreamingofsun Sun 21-Dec-14 14:30:08

so is she coming to your house on the 23rd and nye? In which case she is either confused and expecting to bring stuff to your house; or is a tight arse expecting you to take stuff when she isn't. I'd say something like .....lets not bother taking drink/food to the other person's house as it keeps things much simpler and saves us having to bring all the baby gear and food. plus it evens out anyway if we do all catering at our own houses.

if she expects you to do both then i would apologise, say you can't afford to cater for 2 family events and hers and back out.

OhWotIsItThisTime Sun 21-Dec-14 14:31:17

Say you've already got plans and want time on your own. She will just have to deal with it.

HoHonutty Sun 21-Dec-14 14:33:52

Tell her to buy some extra stuff when she gets the food and drink to bring to your house on the 23rd and NYE and you'll give her a few quid towards it.

tobysmum77 Sun 21-Dec-14 14:35:22

yanbu just say you're doing something else

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 21-Dec-14 14:39:43

So be honest and say I cannot afford to cater for your event

oswellkettleblack Sun 21-Dec-14 14:44:46

Just be honest.

BackforGood Sun 21-Dec-14 14:54:23

It's your sister! Speak to her.

Say "We need to sort out how we are doing this catering malarky and agree either whoever is hosting provides the food or we all chip in and do a bit whenever we get together. Obviously it's not fair if we do all the providing (cost, time, hassle) when you come to us, but then expect everyone to chip in when we come to you.
It doesn't matter which way families do it - there are pros and cons to both - but it seems only right to be even handed about it.

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Sun 21-Dec-14 15:24:48

Can you stretch to some really cheap stuff, from Iceland or Aldi or somewhere? Is it a buffet, where everyone brings something and she keeps the leftovers or is she expecting people to turn up with their own individual ready meals?

If she is coming on the 23rd and NYE with the expectation of your providing for her (surely people bring at least a bottle or three?) then she's being HIGHLY cheeky.

Could you go for a couple of hours early afternoon or something, at a non-meal time?

slithytove Sun 21-Dec-14 15:25:46

Dreams - she is coming on the 23rd, nye tbc. She knows she doesn't need to bring anything but herself. It is effort for her to get here (train) so I wouldn't dream of putting her to extra expense and hassle.

Oswell - you are right, and I like your answer too. Matter of fact and to the point.

Thanks all for replies. It's my mum who issued the 'invite' for dsis so might run this past her first.

As it stands, we might not be able to go. Ds has a chest infection and it looks like the baby is getting it sad

slithytove Sun 21-Dec-14 15:28:49

I think she envisions a buffet but having not spoken to her i can't be certain. Not sure about her keeping leftovers cos she and her oh are veggie and no one else is. Unless she expects us to bring veggie food? It's all so vague. Maybe I'll just ignore it all till I hear from her the ostrich approach has served me well before

She is the youngest at 25 and just finished uni, hasn't really fully entered into adult life in many ways (silly I know but she is quite indulged). I'd never expect family to bring a bottle to mine.

In fairness, my parents will help with the booze, as even doing the food has stretched us.

championnibbler Sun 21-Dec-14 15:36:18

she's 25!!!! tell her to go bog off for herself! are you afraid of her?
honestly - "go fuck yourself" is sometimes the best reply to freeloaders like her.

RedButtonhole Sun 21-Dec-14 15:44:21

Maybe she thinks everyone will want meat, but being a veggie she isn't comfortable cooking and preparing it.

I don't think yabu though. You are hosting and providing for two events without expecting contribution, she can't expect you to bring your own dinner to her event.

slithytove Sun 21-Dec-14 15:48:35

They are ok cooking meat, her oh cooks a traditional Xmas dinner for his family.

Even if not, there are so many veggie things we all love. Pizza, salad, quiche, etc.

I'm glad ianbu though, my filter is off when it comes to family.

SorchaN Sun 21-Dec-14 16:25:56

When I was 25 and had just finished uni, I sometimes invited family over and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking them to bring their own food! YANBU.

perplexedpirate Sun 21-Dec-14 16:29:34

Heavens above, you can't invite someone round and then say bring your own food and drink!
I definitely wouldn't go, especially when you're generously hosting everybody twice.

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