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AIBU to think that maybe it would be nice for us to have DSD this Christmas

(88 Posts)
Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 08:30:23

This will be the 3rd Christmas we will have to spend without her.
She has just turned 5 and lives 50 miles away (a 100 mile round trip as DP does all of the travelling).

We haven't had her for the last 3 Christmases due to her mother demanding that she spend christmas with her. She became particularly more hostile about it after our first DD together was born last year.

She's happy to let us have her when she's going out etc for example this weekend and all the way up to Christmas Eve then back again on Boxing Day.

I find this really unfair in DSDs behalf as she is missing out on opening presents with her DS and also being passed from pillar to post


FunkyBoldRibena Sun 21-Dec-14 08:32:21

Can you save a few and give them to both of them on Boxing day?

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 08:34:26

The thing is that by the time DSD gets here on Boxing Day she will be tired as she falls asleep in the car.

She generally spends the whole day she arrives very distressed and shouting for mummy

AlwaysLurking38 Sun 21-Dec-14 08:34:54

What's her dad say about it? I like Funkys idea.

Slightly off subject but why does she live 50 miles away? Did her mum move or did her dad?

Andrewofgg Sun 21-Dec-14 08:36:15

Your OH needs to get real about this. Too late for this year, but he needs to tell her firmly that next year she's going to be with her father and her sister on CD. If her Mum is lonely that's JTB - she's his daughter too.

Hurr1cane Sun 21-Dec-14 08:36:42

I dunno. I have DS Christmas morning every year, and his birthday morning every year. I do all the hard work and it's such a massive rewarding time. I love it.

But DS will then go to his dad's and his family for Christmas dinner and stay over Boxing Day to visit his paternal grandads family.

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 08:41:39

Her mum moved away to live with new BF which was very hard for DP to stomach at the time but he didn't kick up a fuss and agreed that his ex needed to get on with her life too.

DSD comes to us every weekend and spends most of the holidays with us. It just feels like her DM wants to have her for 'the good bits' ie birthdays, Christmas, family christenings etc but the rest if the time she can't really be arsed.

DP and myself are also particularly worried about DSDs behaviour. It's become a bit worrying to a degree. She can seem quite despondent for a 5 year old and we can't help but think that someone is doing some stirring somewhere

donkir Sun 21-Dec-14 08:43:37

We alternate in our house. This yr ds will go to his dad's xmas eve tea time and come back xmas day tea time. Next year I'll have him until xmas day tea time. It's always worked well. We also have a 2hr round trip to take him there as his dad has moved.

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 08:44:10

hurr1cane even when DSD lived 4 miles down the road her DM wouldn't let her come here for CD.

I think its unfair to expect DSD to have to do a 50 mile trip to us on CD and equally unfair on DP to have to do a 100 mile trip on CD

DustInTheWind Sun 21-Dec-14 08:47:51

'She generally spends the whole day she arrives very distressed and shouting for mummy'

Is this every time she arrives to stay with you? Because I'd be working on fixing that, rather than worrying about which days TBH.
She sounds distressed, how much parenting of her did your DH do when they were together? Does the child see you as scary strangers? Was she previously happy and then it's changed, or has she always been unsettled with you?

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 08:50:24

We used to have her 4 nights a week before she moved away.

The thing is DSD does the same to her DM if she's been with us on a weekend - she goes home crying screaming for daddy and even me sometimes which perhaps understandably gets her DMs back up - it would upset me too

marriednotdead Sun 21-Dec-14 08:53:56

I have a very mixed opinion on this one, but the tone of your post gives the impression that you are not very keen on your DP's ex- which you may obviously have valid reasons for.

Spending time with both of her parents is hardly being shunted from pillar to post, it's the unfortunate by product of a failed relationship but if handled practically, is what many kids do and are fine with. The non resident parent usually does the travelling, not sure why that's relevant...

Of course it would be nice to have her with her father on Christmas day, but there's nothing stopping you from having a gift opening session/ Christmas day Mk 2 on one of the days that she is with you.

Put yourself in the ex's shoes, and ignore how you got to be wearing them for a moment. You've got your man and your baby to spend the day with. She has just her DD and you want to have her too? Can you see her POV? I'm NOT saying it's fair, but in the scheme of things it's not worth fighting over.

The best thing you will ever be able to do for your DSD will be to try to keep an amicable relationship between both 'sides' no matter how much teeth gritting it takes.

There will be other years and other special days. One of our GCs is out of the country for Christmas. His dad won't see him for a month. We will be having another Christmas for him mid January!

DustInTheWind Sun 21-Dec-14 08:54:27

Poor little pass the parcel. I hope she adjusts and adapts to the reality of her life as she gets older and learns that having two families that love her is a good thing.
Perhaps the step parent section on MN will have some useful advice and support for you. Have you posted in there? Good luck.

financialwizard Sun 21-Dec-14 08:55:11

We used to alternate CD until DS said he didn't want to go to his Dad's anymore. He was a young teen when he made that decision. However his Dad is a violent bully so I get that.

I do think you should talk to exe about every other year.

My husband ex won't let us have DSS for Christmas but wants us to have him Boxing Day through to January 1st.

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 08:58:12

It's not just us she gets passed to. She's at her aunties through the week quite a lot and also her grandparents. DPs ex has a partner so she hasn't just got DSD.

I don't have a very high opinion of her, no. I think that she's grabby and spiteful and out to cause damage but that's another thread

sashh Sun 21-Dec-14 08:59:56

Do Christmas on a day she is with you, Christmas Eve or Boxing day, lots of people do the presents on a different day.

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 09:00:52

It's not really the point though

perfectpeach Sun 21-Dec-14 09:01:05

you have her every weekend?! So her DM has her in the week when she is at school most of the time and tired afterwards and you get to do all the fun stuff at the weekends and you begrudge her mum having her on CD?! You also by your own admission have her most of the holidays? So more than her DM yet you criticise the DM?

I think you are being totally unreasonable!

I also wonder if the reason she is so distressed is because she is passed from pillar to post so much! She has no proper home.

hesterton Sun 21-Dec-14 09:03:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 21-Dec-14 09:06:30

The thing is that by the time DSD gets here on Boxing Day she will be tired as she falls asleep in the car. She generally spends the whole day she arrives very distressed and shouting for mummy

Well, when she wakes up then. Take her mind off screaming for mummy.

OP - get the access changed to every other weekend, this just sets a precedent that he gets her all weekends, so the mother feels like she wants all of the celebration days - share the weekends and then he will have more cause to request some of the celebrations.

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 09:13:09

perfectpeach DSDs mum insists that we have her EVERY weekend and most of the holidays because her and her BF like to go on mini breaks and holidays WITHOUT DSD.

DP and I both work an its not always ideal with regards to childcare. DSDs mum knows this but says that during the holidays and weekends she is our responsibility. We'd rather it was EOW too a it would be nice to have some adult time together

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 09:15:28

May i also add that on the rare occasion we could afford to go on holiday we took DC with us

royaldavescity Sun 21-Dec-14 09:19:11

This won't be a popular opinion, and I admit that I have never been in this situation. But I think that the resident parent who does the bulk of the childcare should have the child on Xmas day if that's what they want.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 21-Dec-14 09:21:40

DSDs mum knows this but says that during the holidays and weekends she is our responsibility.

He really needs to bargain with her then! Only holidays and weekends if some of those are Christmas/Birthdays.

Smileybutstressed Sun 21-Dec-14 09:21:50

Even when we did the bulk of the childcare we didn't get that option.

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