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AIBU?

OH - completely heartless?

78 replies

Flumpinblues · 20/12/2014 18:50

Long time lurker here. Penis beaker etc. This might be long - thanks for taking time to read. OH and I been together for 12 years and married for 5. 2 DC 4 and 9 months. I am full time breadwinner he is at home with DC. We both have full time jobs, it's been a long and challenging year personally and professionally. Usual grumbles: he is a hoarder, disorganised, blunt at times, can't remember the last time he bought me a birthday or Christmas present. I do all finances and insurances, all Xmas shopping and cards, school and social arrangements, holidays, family birthdays, weekly meal planning and half the cooking. We have a cleaner. I pay for childcare for both DCs during the week to give him a break. After our youngest arrived in March I had 12 weeks maternity. We have no family support. We last went out as a couple in August. We've had one night away from DC in 4 years. I'm run down, this week has tonsillitis for first time ever resulting in 4 days of feeling poo, still trying to keep all balls on the air. I am knackered. Today he disappears at 11 to see a old friend for lunch, forgetting his keys. I have both children, loved their company; sorted dusted our living room and put up Xmas decorations / sorted toys; made casserole for dinner. Went out to deliver neighbours Xmas cards and see DC1 friend for an hour play and cuppa. I have done too much as still not well and haven't slept or eaten properly in 4 days ( was up 5 times with DC2 last night). Rarely if ever do I sit down before 9pm, then I log on to work again. OH got home at 5:30pm and had locked himself out. First words - "why have you wasted your time sorting out that? (Living Room and decorations). I was locked out with no keys! You are useless". I flipped. I am so tired I can't fight anymore. This language is absolutely typical of his reaction to anything I do / don't do. Nothing is good enough. I feel like crying but I'm too tired even for that. So, AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 20/12/2014 18:57

I call twat.

clam · 20/12/2014 18:59

He went out without his keys, locking himself out, yet you're useless?

No, YANBU.

Hatespiders · 20/12/2014 19:00

If you go on like this you will have a massive breakdown, both mentally and physically. There seems to be no pleasure or joy in your life, and you're exhausted in every way. You seemed to quite like the time today spent without your dh. I'm afraid you're going to have to sit him down and have a long talk about all this. Have ready your main points and ways you'd like things to change. If he won't discuss anything, or flatly refuses to support you much much more in your daily life, then I can't see this marriage lasting.
I'm so sorry for you op, you truly sound as if you've hit rock bottom.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/12/2014 19:08

Nobody has the right to talk to you like that, it's not acceptable.

MimiSunshine · 20/12/2014 19:08

What exactly does he do! Because it doesn't seem like a lot.

Yes he is with the children (how long / often are they in childcare?) but why doesn't he do more of the other stuff?

I think a list of what you both do is in order and then a fairer divide.

Littleturkish · 20/12/2014 19:11

You both have full time jobs- I take it his is being home with the kids? That he has two days childcare for?

You sound utterly worn down- he's has a whole afternoon off so should come back relaxed and upbeat- not sniping and critical. Miserable prick.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 20/12/2014 19:12

Cocklodger. Bin.

Sandthorn · 20/12/2014 19:12

What a prick! Was he pissed?

No way would my husband and I speak to each other like that.

Flumpinblues · 20/12/2014 19:24

Thanks for taking time to read and reply. OH and I have been here before but this isn't small, is it? Your replies are really making me stop and think. Littleturkish you have described him perfectly, he is miserable, snipes all the time. Bloody hell. This isn't how life us supposed to turn out. :(

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 20/12/2014 19:28

I'm thinking that since you already deal with everything, single-handedly, life would be a hell of a lot easier without your rude and disorganised husband in the equation.

Waltonswatcher · 20/12/2014 19:30

Good luck op.
Dh been through that sort of hell for 6mths, but I think we're going to be ok . It's taking a lot of talking,crying and thinking. Some days I can barely get through . I married for life . I hope we make it and I hope your christmas adds some cheer for you.

Whereisegg · 20/12/2014 19:38

That list of things you describe as "usual gripes", they're really not.

onthematleavecountdown · 20/12/2014 20:26

Do you ask him to do stuff or do you just do it for ease?

I woulda me a list of all household and child related tasks etc.

Go through it and point out what each of you do. Either he doesn't realise how much you do as you have always just done it or he is a lazy sod who needs a kick up the arse or out the door. It doesn't sound like you get much from this relationship.

thenightsky · 20/12/2014 20:33

You both have full time jobs. I've been there with two little DC. It's easy to forget stuff like keys when you are knackered. Totally unreasonable to make it the fault of your equally knackered other half though.

Flumpinblues · 20/12/2014 20:46

Thanks again all. His full time job is as sah dad. Childcare for DC1 is 4.5 days/week and 1.5 days for DC2. He does some self employed work from home for pin money.

OP posts:

HouseOfGingerbread · 20/12/2014 21:08

Stay at home dad when the kids are in childcare and he doesn't do cleaning, shopping, household management etc is NOT a full time job.

He sounds a lot like my ex. I spent many months and years making excuses for him, believing he'd move on and be a better father and partner. It was exhausting. In the end, he left me and I was devastated but life quickly became easier with just me and my daughter, and no need to make allowances for someone who refused to help me and who regularly criticised me.

It's not easy, but think long and hard about what you want, and what example of adult relationships you want your children to see.

Corygal · 20/12/2014 21:12

He's got a good deal, that's for sure. And he's jeopardising it by being so filthy.

Poor OP, you sound really beat. Try and get some rest over Xmas and don't put up with any more rubbish from this idle grump.

Whereisegg · 20/12/2014 21:14

But what is he doing with those hours?

I think having your own time while the dc are in childcare is terrible or a piss take, but it doesn't seem like he does anything to need a break from.

Unless you suspect he is depressed then it seems to be laziness.

Whereisegg · 20/12/2014 21:15

I *don't think, ffs.

Littleturkish · 20/12/2014 21:24

What really screams out is that he doesn't care about how you feel- he was locked out, he thinks you've wasted time- who gives a flying fuck? It was your day to do what you wanted.

Like PP said- split all the jobs up into two lists and ask him what it is he wants you to do in order to make things easier for him- what more can you possibly do?? Then start giving him some more responsibilities, as you sound like you're about to crack.

whothehellknows · 20/12/2014 21:30

So, the kids go to childcare for a large portion of the time and you have a cleaner for the cleaning... Given what you've described as your workload, I'm grasping to see what it is he actually does.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 21:38

He sounds crap op. STAHD what for half the time, which you pay childcare. What does he do? You sound happier without him. Yes I would have a big make it break talk with him, lay it out for him tbh.

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Flumpinblues · 20/12/2014 21:59

He does do all laundry and half the cooking. Weekly Supernarket shop. Garden and some DIY but refuses to do any decorating, mainly fixing things. He is strict with the DCs which is usually a good thing (although my style is very different and I think he is too negative sometimes particularly with DC1). Sorry to keep drip feeding but you lot are really making me think.

OP posts:

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 20/12/2014 22:05

Life is short. Do you really want - when the time comes - to be on your deathbed thinking 'Fuck. Fuck I was unhappy for a lot of that. What a waste. Wish it had been different'.

Make it different. You owe it to yourself and your one chance at life. Ditch him - he brings little to the package.

ChilliCrouton · 20/12/2014 22:18

It sounds like you two really need some time for the two of you, some date nights/take away, just enjoying each others company and remembering why you committed to do life together in the first place. Your relationship has got lost in the craziness of life, but resurrecting it will take work from both of you as old habits die hard. Talking is so important, not accusing, but saying how much you're struggling, why you're so exhausted, explaining how hurt you were by his comments when he came home today. As others have said, make a list of everything that needs to be done and talking about what the most sensible way would be to divide it up.
Good luck, you're in the trenches with young children, exhaustion and Christmas week, but you can work through it.

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