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AIBU to want to univite PIL's for Christmas?

(44 Posts)
monkeytroubles Sat 20-Dec-14 18:24:54

To be honest, I think it WBU, if only because it would put DH in a difficult position and cause a lot of drama so wouldn't actually do it but would dearly love to tell them to do one! This may be long as don't want to drip feed.

So, in the 12 years that DH and I have been together we have never had Xmas day in our own home. In fact, we typically end up spending half the day on the Motorway going from one set of parents to the other (mine live ages away, his are local) in an effort to keep everyone happy. We tried doing one year with my lot, the next year with his for a while but scrapped that because PIL's would sulk when it wasn't their year and try to guilt trip DH into changing plans. When we go to theirs they expect DH and I to cook dinner (they don't help or even prepare veg or anything before our arrival), fetch drinks for everyone and then clear up after dinner etc while they sit on their arses. They claim that this is because MIL finds it "too stressful" and PIL "doesn't know how to cook" yet they've somehow still managed to have a Christmas dinner whenever we've eaten my parents house. PIL's have form for always expecting people to come to them. They rarely bother with DC's (although they make a big fuss over thier othet GC's) and wouldn't see them for months on end if we didn't make the effort to go there.

Anyway, this year we decided enough is enough and we weren't going to spend the day dragging tired, cold DC's in and out of the car. So we told both sets of parents that we would be having Christmas day at home and that they will be more than welcome to come round for drinks and nibbles in the evening. My parents were fine with it and accepted our invitation but PIL's were very obviously put out. FIL declared that it would be "impossible" as they have other relatives coming for lunch so they will be too busy (these relatives go to PIL's every year and always leave about 4/5ish) and he will have had a drink so won't be able to drive. MIL can drive and has a car but doesn't like driving hmm. I pointed out that DH hasn't had a drink on Christmas day for years as he has always had to drive ( I have only just passed my test this year) but they've never given that a thought. We were then accused of being strange and antisocial for wanting to spend the day at home as a family.

DH was very hurt, not so much for himself but that they couldn't be bothered to drive for 15mins or get a taxi (which they could very easily afford) to see their DC's on Christmas day. But we had a good moan and then a bit of a laugh about it all and resolved to not let it spoil anything. This was a couple of weeks ago and FIL has just rung to say they've changed their mind and will come to us in the evening. No apology, just very matter of fact. I think DH is pleased, although he acknowledged that it was all a bit rude but I'm fuming! I've already done the big Christmas shop online and it's too late to amend it so will now have to go out and get food/drinks for the evening and I am loathe to set foot in a supermarket this close to christmas. If it was up to me I would say "sorry, you're too late we've made other plans" but is that just nasty of me?

I suppose I should be happy that they've backed down and that it's nice for DH and DC's etc but it boils my piss that they think they can turn us down and then we're supposed to be grateful that they've deigned to come round after all at short notice.

I think it would serve them right if they turned up and we weren't in fgrin

Ohfourfoxache Sat 20-Dec-14 18:32:22

Bloody hell they sound like hard work

You can't uninvite them (tempting though it may be) but you can certainly make sure you've had lots of wine before they arrive grin

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 20-Dec-14 18:37:08

YANBU to be cheesed off with never having had a Christmas at home and with their attitude to that, but you did issue the invitation and they are coming so I think you need to acknowledge that olive branch and give them a nice welcome.

BreakfastAtStephanies Sat 20-Dec-14 18:39:54

Go to bed early or take a long bath, let DH deal with them

CwtchesAndCuddles Sat 20-Dec-14 18:40:38

I'm a bit puzzled about the need to buy extra food and drink when it's just two extra people for nibbles on Christmas night? Surly you can just stretch what you have...............

You're got what you wanted - lunch at home and not going anywhere to visit - yes they could have said something sooner but they have given you a few days notice.

Take a deep breath and chill.......................

AwfulBeryl Sat 20-Dec-14 18:48:22

It is annoying...but it won't be that bad to nip to a supermarket to pick up some extra bits, especially if you go early , I go every Christmas Eve for perishable bits and it's not ever been that busy. It's worse on a Sunday in BBQ weather.

AwfulBeryl Sat 20-Dec-14 18:50:24

But no yanbu smile hope you enjoy your first Christmas at home fsmile

Hissy Sat 20-Dec-14 18:52:20

just chuck a couple of mince pies at em and leave em to it. say you're too stuffed/pissed to do another thing.

they can take you as they find you.

greenfolder Sat 20-Dec-14 18:54:48

go to your local tesco express tomorrow and buy a few bits and that will do, together with any left overs from lunch.

you have put so much effort into putting your foot down, dont lose the moral high ground now.

immediately after Xmas tell them how much you enjoyed it, being in your own home and from now on they will always be welcome to pop by!

BarbarianMum Sat 20-Dec-14 19:03:11


Just ask your dh to pop to you local supermarket and get a couple more boxes of nibbles, or another bit of cheese and some mince pies or or something.

Why you asked them in the first place is a puzzle (they sound dire) but you did ask them. And if it makes your dh happy, so much the better.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Sat 20-Dec-14 19:10:56

well its very interesting how you put your foot down and they have backed down havent they? so ina sense, a childish sense you have won here. dont need to do another shop..if they expect to be fed a huge meal, tough...they will fit into your plans, offer snacks, light meal, picks....and whatever drinks you have.


HaloItsMeFell Sat 20-Dec-14 19:17:09

Why on earth do you need to rush out and buy extra food? You are cooking Christmas lunch, there are bound to be leftovers for sandwiches, and you've already said that your parents accepted your invitation to come for drinks and nibbles, so surely you bought some nibbles when preparing for this?

Or are your parents staying for lunch and the whole day and the in laws only were invited for drinks and nibbles?

catsofa Sat 20-Dec-14 19:22:04

Send them a list of things you need them to bring with them because you have done the shopping already with them not included, since they only just said they were coming. It is usual for guests to bring something, after all.

FGS make some clear demands of them that they co-operate, help with things and generally take responsibility for stuff, otherwise you'll be spending another decade cooking dinner for them in their own home and clearing up after them.

Anything you really can't be arsed to do for them, declare "too stressful" and don't do it. Make sure that both you and your DP have enough to drink that you cannot be suddenly expected to drive them home. Invent the house rule that whoever doesn't help to cook must help with clearing away and washing up.

Be assertive!

sykadelic Sat 20-Dec-14 19:22:44

YANBU to want to do it but you know you "can't" until you see how this goes. So, I'd suck it up and brace for this Christmas and hope for the best. If it turns out it sucks, then you know that next year you will need to change it up.

So, when you see them this year, if they kick off about how it wasn't easy for them or something, I'd tell them that you'd go to theirs in the evening (or Christmas Eve) but that you won't be cooking at their house, only your own and that the drive isn't working for YOU guys anymore and that's just how it will be.

Personally, I'd go to theirs so that I can leave when I want, rather than waiting for people to leave... but I would definitely stop serving them and cooking for them.

I know several people (my family are overseas or we'd do the same) who do one side Christmas Eve, their own Christmas Day and then the other side Boxing day.

Topseyt Sat 20-Dec-14 19:23:11

I think it sounds as though you have now got your message across and they have taken it on board, albeit very begrudgingly. Stick to your guns. PILs are behaving like spoiled brats.

I would just get a couple of large boxes of the ready prepared Christmas party food, either from Tesco or Iceland and do that for the evening. You may also have cold meat left over if you cooked Christmas dinner earlier in the day, so you won't actually need to cook anything significant again, just bung the party food in the oven and then have a few drinks.

Summerisle1 Sat 20-Dec-14 19:24:53

You can't really uninvite them. That'd cause the sort of drama that's probably not worth having but equally, I can't see the need to go out and get much more shopping than you've already got. Nibbles can stretch a remarkably long way!

monkeytroubles Sat 20-Dec-14 19:30:36

I know IABU about the food thing to be honest. It's a minor inconvenience and not really the point. They are both big eaters, they usually do a big buffet on Christmas day evening and I know I'll never hear the end of it if we haven't laid on what they consider enough but I realise that's a daft thing to stress about. I think it's more the fact that after throwing a strop with us, turning down our invitation in quite an abrupt and rude way they then announce they have changed their minds very of matter of factly not "is it still alright if we come" or "sorry we threw a strop before but we'd like to come"..I think it would have been nice to have some acknowledgment from them that they had upset DH and tha they know their behaviour wasn't OK.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Sat 20-Dec-14 19:33:14

I know I'll never hear the end of it if we haven't laid on what they consider enough

so what...never hear the end of it....

Look they want to be with you, they have backed down....they are not going to apologise because they are not like that! Dont worry....they have backed down....this is good!

Put on small spread and if they moan face your body to them, feeling very strong and confiident!" Well I would have done more but we didnt have much time as you didngt give us much notice did you"

BarbarianMum Sat 20-Dec-14 19:34:53

<<I think it would have been nice to have some acknowledgment from them that they had upset DH and tha they know their behaviour wasn't OK>>

From your description of them, I think it will be a cold day in hell before you hear "sorry" in any shape or form. I'm still shock that you go to theirs and do all the cooking tbh.

YonicSleighdriver Sat 20-Dec-14 19:36:50

They will never acknowledge that.

So feel free to do drinks and nibbles your way, tell them that it's fizz and Pringles and Turkey sarnies but they are welcome to bring along anything else they'd like.

Summerisle1 Sat 20-Dec-14 19:38:09

Reasonable people would, of course, apologise for all this inconvenience but then people like this aren't reasonable are they? So sadly, I think the likelihood of you getting an any sort of apology for their rudeness is non-existent.

Which leaves you with the choice of either uninviting them and dealing with even more rudeness since they aren't ever going to see your point of view or letting the invitation stand but not be prepared to tolerate any nonsense about the quantity of food available. Next year you can make plans that don't involve them being allowed to get away with this sort of nonsense again.

AlpacaLypse Sat 20-Dec-14 19:39:43

Nothing helpful to add to your situation OP, but I'm just so chuffed that the MN community have given me the balls this year to say 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me' to every single request for taxi services at silly o'clock to get any member of my family to another place.

Rinkydinkypink Sat 20-Dec-14 19:39:49

We had this but we've just told them were staying at home. We said whoever wanted to comes was invited but were not have a Xmas dinner were doing it out way.

I think it really unfair on families to not be flexible in this its time they compromised!

monkeytroubles Sat 20-Dec-14 19:42:57

Halo, I wouldn't dream of inviting my parents for lunch and not PIL's. My parents are having Christmas lunch at my Aunt's house and then coming to ours in the evening. They don't usually eat much Christmas evening and are not big eaters anyway unlike PIL's so hadn't bought a lot. But like I said, the food thing isn't really the issue so I know I am BU about that really.

Sykadelic, over the years we have tried to split christmas between my family and his (go to one for Christmas eve, the other Christmas day etc.) but that ended up being just as stressful. MIL would start crying when it was time for us to leave to go to my family fhmm or if we went to my lot first DH would be getting non-stop texts asking when we were getting to PIL's even though it had already been agreed in advance. That's why this Christmas we decided to spend the day at home as it feels like whatever we do it's never enough.

RoastedNuts Sat 20-Dec-14 19:43:15

Let me get this straight, you are complaining because you have to put up with the PILs for a couple hours in the evening? Count your blessings, some of us have had the PILs round for a whole week for the last 20 years <sobs hysterically> grin

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