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To wonder if I am a complete mug to stay friends with this person

(31 Posts)
SharonBu Fri 19-Dec-14 21:47:07

I have an old friend who has recently come back into my life.

She is a single parent and isn't working so I try and help out with lifts and money here and there. I lent her money to buy a plane ticket last summer and she is paying me back in installments. She is great fun to be with and she does say she appreciates me and calls me her 'rock' but lately I am being forgotten which obviously makes me feel rejected.

I have asked for help with sewing something for Christmas, which she is great at, but haven't been able to get her to agree to meet up. She says she isn't good at 'arrangements' and is better at being spontaneous. Spontaneous is difficult for me because I have to work and have only a little spare time. Also that's not really my personality anyway! She knows I have Fridays off and we sometimes agree to meet then but it feels like if something better comes along she will conveniently forget we agreed to meet. I spoke to her yesterday and she said she would be at the cafe this morning to help me out but didn't show. Then I see on facebook she's been shopping with another friend and must have forgot we agreed to meet. She's already put me off twice and I have got help elsewhere in the end.

This might seem small but it's not the first time she's done it. I have been invited over to her house and she's been out or asleep so I just head home again having wasted a precious hour driving over!

I help her out but when I need help it's not a priority for her at all. She has been through a big traumatic divorce and is on pain medication so perhaps she is not herself. Maybe she needs more time. AIBU to ask for a bit more consideration??

ohweeeell Fri 19-Dec-14 22:45:44

I'd get the money back she I owed you and then pretty much right off the relationship, it sounds very one sided. You are making a lot of effort and getting nothing back YANBU to expect more. Sounds like she is taking the mick, you are kind enough to loan her money but she can't do you a favour... She is there when she needs something from you but not when you need her.

LadyLuck10 Fri 19-Dec-14 22:57:02

Yanbu, she is definitely not your friend. You are her rock = mug. She is showing you her true colors, listen to her and drop her.

SorchaN Fri 19-Dec-14 22:58:20

Some people are genuinely bad at arrangements, and sometimes for good reasons (I was awful at remembering arranged meetings when I suffered from depression). But I think what you're describing is a bit beyond that - it's serial disappointment. Have you talked to her about it? Especially if you've been invited over and she's not there - that's pretty unacceptable. If it were me, I'd probably be rather less willing to be her 'rock', and seek out more reliable friends, unless she gave me a really convincing explanation (and as I said, depression can be a reason for this kind of thing). Also, don't lend her any more money!

Selvsikker Fri 19-Dec-14 23:02:32

I have this spontaneous V planner malfunction in the dynamic going on with a couple of friendships. It's hard. You like each other but you need different things from friendships. Either that they 'shake you up!' or that they offer stability.

I wouldn't be offended. I wouldn't think that she doesn't like you. I'd just invest less in to the friendship. Don't lend her money because then it might seem like you're trying to buy friendship. It might be complicating things.

oswellkettleblack Fri 19-Dec-14 23:02:51

I agree with oh's advice.

18675ag Fri 19-Dec-14 23:04:05

Nah she is taking the piss love, get your money back then leave her to it.

AlpacaLypse Fri 19-Dec-14 23:04:11

I'm afraid she's not your friend, you are her handy fall-back position when her other plans go tits up. She probably doesn't realise this herself (most rather selfish people don't perceive these sort of things and honestly regard themselves as just 'gregarious' or 'life and soul of the party' types).

Not much point in banging on about it to her... I'd just quietly drop away - but don't let her forget about the money she owes you.

How much is left and how many instalments? Has she ever missed any? How are they paid? DD, Standing Order, or cash when you and she meet up?

scarletforya Fri 19-Dec-14 23:08:45

'not good at arrangements' translates as 'I'm not going to commit to you because you'll let me away with it. I'll meet you if nothing better comes up'

She didn't forget to meet you Op. She got a better offer. By continuing to allow her to treat you like shit you are being a mug. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh. But you need to respect yourself. Users can clock a pleaser at a thousand paces.

Get your money and move on.

oswellkettleblack Fri 19-Dec-14 23:10:49

Get the money back for sure.

lavenderhoney Fri 19-Dec-14 23:16:20

Get your money back. I'm afraid you might have to continue to be mug like til it's paid back. Perhaps she's hoping for a row then she stops paying.

When you've been repaid, do not lend her money. Just say " I don't have the means to lend" and that's that, if she tries to make you talk about how you can say pleasantly " no, I'm skint. You'll have to try the bank or another friend" it's not her business, what you choose to do with your spare cash. And don't ask her for favours as she clearly doesn't want to do them. And drop trying to meet her too, when you've been repaid. Let her do some work. Friends don't lend money to prove a friendship.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 19-Dec-14 23:20:18

Stop helping, and distance yourself. It doesent sound like she brings much to the friendship but you do all the giving. Step back and see if you will still be her 'rock' if you stop giving.

QTPie Fri 19-Dec-14 23:24:01

I had a friend like this: loved her to bits and helped her loads (mainly lifts places - I had a car, she didn't), but our friendship was completely on her terms. Likewise she was difficult to get to commit to things and then would cancel because of a better offer. She did this on my birthday and that was the final straw: I wanted something more from the friendship (ie her to be reliable and "give" occasionally) and she wasn't capable of it. I was angry at myself for getting upset: I deserved better.

A friendship should be a two way thing.

SharonBu Fri 19-Dec-14 23:31:10

I do wish I hadn't lent her money - it is complicating things! It's a monthly installment of cash when I see her. I let her off December for obvious reasons but otherwise she's been good at paying me back.

She's been in my life for a long time and I do enjoy her company so I don't want to drop her entirely. However I think investing less in the friendship is a good plan.

AlpacaLypse Fri 19-Dec-14 23:38:02

Good luck SharonBu. You're just going to have to be sort of friendly but businesslike when you see her to collect the cash. How many more instalments does she owe?

oswellkettleblack Fri 19-Dec-14 23:45:02

I hope she doesn't owe you much. NO more loaning her money.

SharonBu Sat 20-Dec-14 11:17:31

She's got 5 more installments. She is having troubles but isn't everyone! I don't think its unreasonable to want someone to be reliable or at least let me know if they can't make it. Forgetting entirely made me waste valuable time waiting and made me angry and upset that someone can treat me that badly and then just go 'oops sorry' on facebook.

Too many ands in that but I'm still pissed off.

Hoppinggreen Sat 20-Dec-14 11:24:12

She didn't "forget" she got a better offer and you aren't that important - unless she needs something from you.
Get the rest of your money and find better friends.

Branleuse Sat 20-Dec-14 11:28:08

she may well be nice company if you can pin her down but if i were you id just back off, stop helping her, get your money back and then back off even further. People like that end up trashing your self esteem

ilovesooty Sat 20-Dec-14 11:38:26

Get the money back then drop her. She's doing nothing positive in your life. In fact I think you were misguided in letter her off December payment. If the money needed repaying and had been borrowed for a plane ticket repaying you should be a priority December or not.

cricketpitch Sat 20-Dec-14 11:48:54

If the friendship is not really giving you what you need then you do need to re-think it. I wouldn't drop her though. It is always nice to have different sorts of friends and unless she is a genuinely bad person it is the relationship that's the problem - not her.

Frogme Sat 20-Dec-14 11:56:20

Get the money out of the equation.

Leave her to do the running and see if she rings you "spontaneously" or doesn't bother. At the end of each month text her and ask her to post a cheque to you as "you've both been so busy you haven't had a chance to catch up.

I wouldn't be chasing her any more but I would want my money back.

emeline Sat 20-Dec-14 12:00:53

Does your friend treat everybody this way?

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 20-Dec-14 12:23:54

I let her off December for obvious reasons

Big mistake. The obvious reason being?

And don't say Christmas...everyone knows it is coming and if she can afford to go shopping with a friend then she can afford to pay you back.

ilovesooty Sat 20-Dec-14 12:28:27

I think that if she misses the next payment if she doesn't make the effort to see you I'd look into setting up a standing order.

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