I am really struggling at the moment and my DM just hung up on me. I am very tired and can't think straight and don't know how it's even possible to resolve this in the long term, other than paper over it. And my parents are coming on Tuesday to stay for six days for Christmas.
My parents were both older and brought up (even for their time) in a very old-fashioned way. So in many respects they have very outdated opinions. For example, my DF genuinely believes that if someone is aristocracy they are actually a better person than him by virtue of birth. He would never state that outright, but he does weird deferential things and talks about how "down to earth" fairly posh people are if they treat him like a normal human being 
Not that he meets many, anyway it's an example.
DM holds many similar viewpoints but is more relaxed, e.g. she's not actually a raging homophobe and he is. He is a working class right-wing dyed in the wool Tory who thinks the sun shines out of Cameron's arse. I am the complete opposite, even though DF was the one who encouraged me to be interested in politics.
It's become more and more difficult in recent years as he's grown older and more set in his ways and also since the Conservatives have been in power, because he can't wait to praise everything they do and it really, really grates - I live in the NE and we are lucky in our situation but I see many people every day who aren't and read so many, many stories on here of people really struggling. And then he picks up the phone and tells me how "those chaps have the right ideas" and it upsets me so much that he doesn't seem to have feelings for people who are really struggling. He believes, because he worked hard and succeeded, that everyone can succeed if only they apply themselves a bit more. And refuses to see that it can sometimes be down to more than just working hard.
The latest is that I am quite ill. And it's been going on for a while and I'm on various medications that have taken my quality of life and are taking their toll on me and I am still without a diagnosis. I am making progress on getting one but the NHS in my area is awful, aside from being underfunded it is also amongst the worst rated on the NHS website - honestly the staff I have encountered (apart from the hospital porters - they are bloody lovely) are either downtrodden and sad or just rude or lovely but incompetent (there have been several mistakes made in my care).
I called to speak to him about something else and we got talking about my situation and I said I was thinking about going private because my local care isn't good. He starting fuming that I couldn't afford it and that "you should listen to what the Health Secretary said today, we have the fastest A&E waiting times in the world!!!" And he was shouting. I pointed out that fast waiting times doesn't equal quality care, and anyway I am not in A&E so it's not relevant. It just degenerated into him saying I am wrong, that I don't trust my doctors and I should, because the doctor always knows best etc etc patriarchal bullshit. It was adopting my parents' attitude of 'don't make a fuss, doctor is always right' that has prolonged my pain for months - it's only since I started kicking up a stink, after all my friends were horrified at my care, that anything has happened.
He handed the phone back to my DM and i was rude about my Dad, which I shouldn't have been, but I was shaken and close to tears. And so she hung up on me. They won't call back. I am not sure if they will actually come for Christmas, or they will but they will be cold and horrid.
This is the worst bit about them and I don't know how to deal with it. It's impossible not to talk politics with my Dad, he is retired so watches the news all day and always brings it around to the next best things the govt has done. How do other people deal with this? Sorry it's so long. I am so upset.
AIBU?
To wonder how on earth you cope with parents who have such diametrically opposed views to your own?
NC2009 · 19/12/2014 20:48
Try and refrain from entering into debates with him in future. It's difficult but if you can avoid any conversation topic that will ultimately lead to him kissing Cameron's backside then do so. Or yes, learn the sarcastic smile and nod approach.
You can't change a bigot. I've tried educating my extremely ignorant narrow minded mother countless times, she's just not having it. Gays are "wrong" and make her feel sick, Africans should just stop reproducing and she hates Pakistani's because they have an attitude problem apparently (Indian's, on the other hand, are lovely...) . She's everything I loathe in a person tbh so I just don't discuss anything remotely interesting with her anymore. If the subjects ever do come up I just change topic or get a bit sarcastic with her, make it clear I think she's full of shit 
.
It's shit, being so polar opposite from your parent/s, just thank yourself lucky you aren't like them I guess.
Gah. I know what you mean op.
My dad used to be so calm and relaxed and now gets het up about all sorts of totally pointless things (traffic and parking spaces!). I'm cross with him for turning into a grumpy old git, cross that he hasn't got anything else to worry about, cross that he gets that wound up about things, cross that he thinks I'm interested, and.... I'm cross that my dear old dad is getting old.
I remember in my a-level psychology course we did something about how basically throughout our lives children and parents push against each other naturally so that both sides become less and less dependent on the other. I think they get old and frustrating so that we can break away further from them as they head towards the end. I know that sounds really morbid and I'm not sure I've articulated it particularly eloquently but I guess there is logic in it.
As for his views. Well. As others have said i think you need to keep the politic talk to a minimum. If they won't take kindly to "let's not talk about that as we've got different opinions and we just get cross" then you need to just smile and nod and then change the subject. It's so hard and sad to do that with people you just want to chat with.
You don't have to see eye to eye. It's ok not to. Hard as it is.
And I agree that perhaps they shouldn't come if you're not in great health. If that puts their noses out of joint well I think later you can just blame it on being ill and, to coin a phrase from one if my grandparents, they'll have to scratch their arses and get tame again 
Just wanted to say that I empathise. I have similar issues with my parents, who spent many years as members of the Tory party before they left because the Tories supported gay marriage 
As a general rule I try to find common ground and don't rock the boat. I did have a massive row over Sunday lunch about the gay marriage thing though. It would have been wrong not to.
I don't honestly know what the right answer is. I doubt you can change their opinions much at their age. On the other hand I feel I ought to challenge them sometimes. My only advice would be to try not to have them to stay or not for as long as six days if it's going to be really stressful, especially as you're not very well. Could you manage to shorten the visit a bit?
Thanks. My DM banned all politics talk at the last election and it held for a while but we seem to have sunk back into it. When I am well I just find it annoying (I am quite feisty ) but now it's too much.
We have already grievously insulted my parents this year by backing out of a holiday with them because I was too ill to go. I don't think they quite believed me :( I can't uninvite them - they are meeting MIL for the first time and my DSis is coming as well. I have no idea how I'm going to get through the week, I suspect DP - who is amazing - will end up doing most of everything. It's an invisible illness - I notice that I'm paler and have huge bags under my eyes but I'm not missing limbs or unable to walk or anything.
I have tried ignoring, I think I just need to do that. Can't nod and smile - 1) he's too sharp and will notice if I'm being sarcastic and 2) I can't condone some of his opinions. I just can't let them go unchallenged. Usually I say "That's just not true" shake my head and change the topic of conversation.
But my DF has changed recently, gets more agitated and shouts.
Thank you for your responses. They have given me something to think over. southeast I know. I can't believe it either. Particularly from people who call themselves Christian, to lack so much fellow feeling.
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Oh, this is really difficult and you have my sympathy.
I think what I'd do in your situation is have a couple of really hardline points you won't concede on, and let other stuff slide with a
'Blah blah A&E'
(A&E has had its worst week in ?10 years this week -check ref)
'Well, I didn't use A&E, but Dr X refused to request [test] that would have diagnosed [Y] much earlier'
'Blah blah benefits fakers'
'Well, I have Y condition which is invisible but means i can't do...'
Oh, also, Trivial Pursuit. Or Articulate. Give them something to think about/battle over other than politics.
I feel your pain. I can't talk about anything more substantial than the weather with my DM for exactly the same reasons. It hurts when you can't have an actual real conversation about anything own parents, and they have no clue who you really are.
Or ask questions to help them reveal themselves, Freudian style (this can come across as patronising, though)
eg my parents are Mail readers, I have run through:
How hard do you think it is to get a visa to visit the UK?
What do you need to do to get a UK passport?
How does your local council prioritise its housing list?
How do you think they should prioritise?
Can you see what their major rant issue is?
Ask him some things he will need Google to answer,and which may be eye-opening (apparently the Mail maintains disabled people are exempt from the bedrooom tax )
Feigning an air of wide-eyed innocence will help with this ploy.
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I can really relate to this but I'm sorry to say that I wish my dad was "still" a Tory. He told me in September that he intends to vote UKIP based SOLELY on the issue of Inheritance Tax.
I understand that he is pissed at the thought of lots of his money going to the state when he and my StepMum die (Mum died 16 years ago), but still ... UKIP?!?!?!
Never ever suspected that might happen!!!
Sorry Maki! I should have made that clear. I agree there is little between the two also, I have no idea how to vote at the next election.
Just, as far as my DF is concerned, he is the worst kind of Tory bigot (and there are left wing bigots too - I once dated one!).
They read the Daily Mail. And believe it.
Thank you all for being so sympathetic and kind. I am sorry that many of you have the same problem.
I suspect the next few days will roll out like: I will get passive aggressive text from DM; will ignore; eventually they will turn up because not turning up will cause 'fuss' even though by being there it's a faff. Also my DSis is travelling to them and then up with them so difficult for them to back out, but I bet my DM is thinking about it. I think this will probably be the first time in my life I am more glad to see my MIL than my own parents
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