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to think im never going to free from anxiety.

(43 Posts)
lemisscared Fri 19-Dec-14 17:53:01

Its been with me for years and im tired. I can't face another year of failure because im too nervous to even go on a job search website.

If i can keep myself busy im not too bad but am sahm of school age dd.

Sometimes i help dp but today has mistly been about feeling that horrible feeling in thd pit of my stomach.

No phone as we haven't paid the bill. I can't ring dp to find out when he'll be home . He said hed be home for lunch he didn't come. Neither did he call. I am beside myself with nerves.

Im on medication. It doesn't work. Ive had counselling. Doesn't work.

I don't want this to be my life

StockingFullOfCoal Fri 19-Dec-14 17:59:46

lemiss You are not a failure. I say this as someone who has been crippled by anxiety/panic attacks for the last 12 months. Prior to this I was diagnosed with Manic Depression and I can honestly say that the anxiety has been far, far harder to deal with than the BPD/MD whatever its called these days.

I recognise that constant feeling of dread. That adrenaline making you twitch and nervous and wanting to crawl out of your own skin.

Which meds are you on? I take Propranolol and Amytriptylene.

Here for a hand hold.

tracyrobo Fri 19-Dec-14 18:02:22

If your medication isn't working I think you need to go back to your gp. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Why did the counselling not work? It sounds like you have some serious long term issues that you really need help with. Have you tried meditation techniques?

hiddenhome Fri 19-Dec-14 18:37:27

Which medication are you on?

I had anxiety for years, but once I was prescribed the right meds, I was fine.

CrohnicChristmas Fri 19-Dec-14 18:40:46

What medication are you on? I'm an anxiety sufferer, but an acute rather than chronic kind. I was on antidepressants anyway, so we increased the dose and that helped, otherwise I would have tried a different type. I also have tranquillisers for 'emergencies' ie a panic attack, and I've not needed one for ages. Often just knowing I have them with me is enough to help me feel better. I find the tranquillisers help loads with the physical symptoms but do nothing for the thoughts, the antidepressants have helped with the negative thoughts and I guess counselling would too (I had it for depression).

So maybe a combination of things would help you more than anything on it's own?

Damnautocorrect Fri 19-Dec-14 18:46:21

I can sympathise, its just so exhausting. Everything is an effort, everything is worrying, and if your like me you avoid contact with people and when you do have contact you replay it over and over again in your head until you convince yourself your the idiot you thought you were before you went out. I too am a SAHM and I don't think i can ever face work and people again.

I have had a few sessions of counselling but unfortunately had to stop due to it being half my food budget for the week. It does sound like the medication your on needs tweaking - well done for getting on them in the first place. I've not been brave enough to talk to the GP yet, so well done for that.

EssexMummy123 Fri 19-Dec-14 18:54:25

Take a look on Amazon for the 'Thrive' program book

CrohnicChristmas Fri 19-Dec-14 20:27:38

You can get counselling on the NHS. Availability varies from area to area though. I have just moved. In my previous district, I self referred to the mental health team and got an initial assessment in 2 1/2 weeks (they aim for 2 weeks). Treatment started 6 weeks after that.

In my new district, my GP referred me, and my appointment for initial assessment is mid Feb.

Try googling IAPS (increasing access to psychological therapies) + town name, that's what my therapist said when I moved.

lemisscared Fri 19-Dec-14 20:37:01

Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated. I am on citalopram 20mg but honestly doesn't feel like it is doing anything.
Sometimes i have diazepam which works but zones me out and makes me very depressed.

In some ways i feel better and wanting to get back on the horse as it were but in others i am worse than i ever was.

FaithLoveandGrace Fri 19-Dec-14 20:51:41

Hi lemisscared you are not a failure. I know how draining it is to be permanently anxious. I've been on sertraline 50mg for about two months and GP has just upped my dose to 100mg. For the first time in ages I woke up not feeling anxious this morning. I've tried citalopram before and it didn't help. Perhaps you just need to try a different medication? As a previous poster said, anxiety can be more exhausting than depression.

It might also be worth trying to see a different counsellor. My first one was useless, others have been better and now I'm hoping my new one in January will help. I'd highly recommend popping back to GP and trying to get a counsellor referral / different meds.

Ujjayi Fri 19-Dec-14 20:58:45

I support everything everyone else has said. It sounds like you suffer the same way I did - a constant sense of dread & feeling ill. I was utterly exhausted to the point where I couldn't even hold my DC. The only time I felt ok was when I slept but even that was problematic.

After 3 different AD's, I was put on Pregabalin. It is actually epilepsy meds & they work for anxiety disorder because they calm the central nervous system. It is an expensive drug & my GP tried to persuade me to have Gabopentin - a replica med but very cheap. My psych insisted I had the real deal. It took some getting used to - it feels like diazepam for the first week. However it settled & my life was transformed.

fredfredsausagehead1 Fri 19-Dec-14 21:35:57

I recognise all your feelings I know it can be crippling and even going to the GP is difficult...��

Do you excercise? This helps me xx

fredfredsausagehead1 Fri 19-Dec-14 21:36:22 running ?

gamerchick Fri 19-Dec-14 21:38:52

Go back to your gp and ask for propranolol.

That medication at such a low dose is rubbish for anxiety.

gamerchick Fri 19-Dec-14 21:39:41

*the one you're on

lemisscared Fri 19-Dec-14 21:42:20

I did start exercising again in the spring but had a health scare and it knocked me for six, really set me back. i can't run which is a shame because i used to enjoy it but it buggers my hip. I had started cycling and was clocking up a fair few miles. The trouble is, i'd often find myself mid cycle and have a panic attack - not great in the middle of nowhere sad Which is ironic becuase that is when i find myself most at ease, away from everything. Its just being somewhere with no real aim that bothers me.

Ujjayi Fri 19-Dec-14 22:09:25

I had same issue with exercise so I started doing dvds - Jillian Michaels etc. There is also a great site called Tone It Up. Tis very, erm, Californian but is very very good. Most of the workouts are 15 mins long so very easy to fit in to daily routine.

Other things that helped me: making sure I ate well & drank plenty of water. Even slight dehydration can make me feel jittery.

StockingFullOfCoal Fri 19-Dec-14 22:20:14

Propranolol is magic. Eating well also helps me a lot my mood soon slips if I don't.

nicenewdusters Fri 19-Dec-14 22:44:48

Was your counselling CBT ? I had this weekly for 9 months, through the NHS, and it transformed my life.

I also found several books by Dorothy Rowe of real comfort, particularly "Beyond Fear" which helped massively with understanding the panic and fear.

At the risk of sounding flaky I also spent a lot of time reading about mindfulness and meditation. I managed to start a fairly regular meditation practice, only about 5 to 10 minutes a day. It slowed things down for me, when you feel like your mind is a merry-go-round and you want to get off.

In the last few months I have forced myself to face up to 3 fears I have had for ages, two mainly irritating, the other one stopping me doing things I wanted to do. The first two I just decided not to think about it when faced with them. I pushed myself into the situation, endured the discomfort and now I'm ok with doing them again. The third needed some diazepam but it worked and I was on cloud nine for days.

My problems with anxiety were about 15 years ago, it lasted for about 3 years. I couldn't ever imagine things would change, but they did. Every now and again I get that gut wrenching fear and panic feeling, and the foggy mind. I tell myself that it will pass, that it's only thoughts, and I try not to over analyse them too much.

My final hurdle was also going back to work after being a SAHM. I still couldn't/can't face the whole job interview thing, and so have set myself up as a little one-man-band working locally. Being a bit vague as I don't want to out myself. Whilst driving to a potential new client recently I suddenly felt panicky and anxious. I said to myself what's the worst that can happen? Also, I knew if I turned back the feeling I would have would be far worse than anything that could happen at the appointment. I went and it was fine.

I really feel for you op, I remember the exhaustion of it all. I'm sure you will find your path out of this, so sad that there are so many of us well-qualified to post. Good luck.

duplodon Fri 19-Dec-14 22:53:09

What about acceptance and commitment therapy? This would mean accepting you can live a valued life with anxiety, stopping the struggle and trying to avoid feelings of anxiety.

Mindfulness is not at all flaky or woo and another option.

The struggle to be not anxious is often worse than the actual feeling of anxiety. It's just to get to the point where you realise this and drop the struggle you have to face your fears, which is terrifying.

My diagnosis was OCD, spent two years in secondary care. I am not at all compulsive or disabled by it now, but I do feel anxiety from time to time. I just don't let that be the story of my life anymore.

AlexD72 Fri 19-Dec-14 23:07:36

I could write forever about anxiety. I have suffered from it. I don't anymore. It can get better. It does not have to be your life. I understand everything you said and I can relate. Completely. I too thought it would never go. But it did. There is hope. It is just finding what works for you.
And for people who have never suffered from it it is really hard to describe the feeling you have and how it effects you physically as well as mentally.
I wish I could help you more. You need to find something that works for you. It is possible. I am proof of that.

lemisscared Mon 22-Dec-14 10:45:58

Paralysed again - my poor DD, all i can manage is to sit here browsing mnet looking at the pit that is my house, imagining floating around it like kirsty fucking alsop making it all nice for christmas, but i can't move sad

I have a little cleaning job, i managed to pay for christmas presents with it and thers a bit left over but the anxiety that surrounds having money for me is terrible. i am constantly going over in my head how much i have (its only about £200 and its taken me months to save it up) and i feel physically sick at having to spend it - DP gets cross as he says he never has any money for himself and i hoarde it like scrooge. If i were to get a proper job we wouldn't have to be like this.

This is no life and its rubbing off on my DD, she is getting OCD about things, she worries about her toys, yesterday she freaked out because the electric had gone so we were going to charge the key while we were out - she was convinced the house would burn down because there was no electric hmm My anxiety makes me short tempered and she thinks im being mean but i am literally at the end of my tether all the time.

I do wonder if they would be better off wihtout me, im not suicidal, just think i should go away and let them be happy.

gamerchick Mon 22-Dec-14 11:03:42

You really need to go back to your gp for decent meds. Make an appointment.

calmtulip Mon 22-Dec-14 11:13:17

You are not alone. Please print out this thread and take it to your GP. I was where you are and you need support. Sending you lots of love.

lemisscared Mon 22-Dec-14 11:15:55

I will go to the Dr, but will go after christmas, they will be overrun just now with people and i feel too much in "crisis" to make any sensible decisions about medication and i'd like to maybe do a bit of research into what drugs will be better, honestly, this is exhausting, every day i have to get up and do it all again, the underlying fear, the terror when letters come, at least we don't have a land-line phone now as i begged DP not to get it fixed when the landline went tits up as i couldn't stand it. Thats not normal is it?

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