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To be fed up about the fact that I have to think for everyone in this house?

(40 Posts)
Lucciana Fri 19-Dec-14 11:42:16

Hopefully the title is self explanatory!

I am just sick of having to think for everyone. DH will do things if asked, but never ever thinks for himself; he forgets where things are and asks me things all the time so half the time it's easier to do things myself.

Every afternoon and evening during the week our routine is the same; tea, clean up kitchen, homework/reading, bathtime, bedtime, get stuff ready for the next day. Every sodding day I have to instigate each of these things as if I leave it to DH he just sits in the chair!

I have to organise and remember everything; school dress up days, activities for the kids, party presents and taking kids to parties.

It never seems to occur to DH that things like food shopping need to be done; he never thinks in advance, and if I ask him to cook tea he asks me what to cook, and how to cook it, plus it would never occur to him to go to the shop to get ingredients for a meal. It would be nice if just occasionally he would suggest a meal idea; I get fed up with all the planning/food shopping.

Does anyone else feel the same?

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup Fri 19-Dec-14 11:46:07

You could just not do these things and see what happens. It could be because you're willing to do everything that he's happy to let you do everything.

Lucciana Fri 19-Dec-14 11:48:35

Honestly, if I didn't remember everything then he'd just wake up in the morning, swan off to work and I'd be left with nothing ready. No one would get any tea in the evenings. The kids would miss parties and activities as he'd forget.

123rd Fri 19-Dec-14 11:51:06

Welcome to my world. My friend and I had the exact same conversation last night... It's v frustrating.
And we could just not do those things...but my kids do actually need a packed lunch for school. They actually need a clean uniform to wear etc as much as I would love to jut shrug my shoulders and let everyone get on with it, it wouldn't happen. I'm not being a martyr either.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes Fri 19-Dec-14 11:53:02

Could you agree that certain things are 'his' job? Ie he makes the pack lunch every day Without being asked?

Worth a discussion about how it makes you feel.

Lucciana Fri 19-Dec-14 11:53:04

Exactly, 123rd

I think DH seems to think that the magical fairies just do all these things, either that or he doesn't see them as necessary jobs.

Lucciana Fri 19-Dec-14 11:54:42

I've tried suggesting jobs Whirly but he either forgets, or tries to find ridiculous shortcuts to the jobs, ie getting school uniforms ready but deciding that the kids can go into school in dirty clothes rather than sorting clean stuff out.

Footlight Fri 19-Dec-14 11:56:33

Have you spoken to dh about this?

I wasn't coping too well with the whole meal thing and so after explaining to dh how I was feeling, I have just signed all the weekend food planning and cooking over to dh and the kids and it seems to be working.

I don't interfere at all, just let them get on with it.

KnittingChristmasJumpers Fri 19-Dec-14 11:57:09

I suggest you buy your DH "Wifework" as one of his Christmas presents so he can understand exactly what you're putting up with.

Also, could you possibly stop doing things specifically for him until he bucks up his ideas? So cook for yourself and the kids but not him, wash the children's uniforms but not his clothes? It's a pain but it'll make the bloody point.

Lucciana Fri 19-Dec-14 11:57:57

If it was up to DH to do meals for the day, he just wouldn't do anything and the kids wouldn't get fed.

He'll give them a bag of crisps or a biscuit but won't think to make them sandwiches, or to give them any fruit or anything like that.

Footlight Fri 19-Dec-14 12:02:03

Why are you all putting up with shit husbands who can't make a simple meal or dress a child?

Kick ass ladies! Or ltb's

or.... <whispers> back off and let them get on with it.

BingBong36 Fri 19-Dec-14 12:03:37

I am in the same boat except when I tell my husband what to do he forgets and needs reminding!!

RandomNPC Fri 19-Dec-14 12:06:56

I'm with Footlght here; why do you put up with these idiot husbands?

bilbodog Fri 19-Dec-14 12:20:56

I empathise with all this - my DH very rarely cooks, and admits he doesn't like it. If I go out they manage (DD now 21 cooks a lot DS 24 can't be bothered like his father!) but its simple stuff like omlettes, beans on toast or pizza. If I left DH to his own devices for very long he would just go out or get a take away (which we can't aford!) as this is what he used to do before we got married when he didn't have any commitments! However I do like to cook so that's not too much of a problem.

Everything else though - he will do anything I ask, but wouldn't see it for himself. He doesn't drive so I have to do everything that requires driving and always have had to (for medical reasons - so I did know this) but the fatigue in always being the one to suggest what we do, when to do it and then getting all of us there etc, etc, does get boring after a while.

I think some men are just like this - my Mum used to complain about my father in a similar way and when I used to tell her not to let him get away with it she just laughed - I sort of can see why now!!!

silveroldie2 Fri 19-Dec-14 12:25:28

Assuming he hasn't only recently morphed into a useless lump, you have put up with his behaviour since getting married and having children for however many years. Why have you not addressed it before now? You've been doing everything and he sees absolutely no reason to change.

amicissimma Fri 19-Dec-14 12:46:18

Ha Ha!

Just as I started reading this DH texted to ask if we needed any shopping. Had he really not noticed that the handwash in the toilet had run out?

I bet when I challenge him he'll say he knew and was going to get it and was checking there was nothing else.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 19-Dec-14 12:53:31

Perhaps if yiu explained just how sexually unattractive a man child is...

I know that's a flippant point. But I would not want to live, co-parent, or sleep with a man who was so lazy, entitled and disrespectful.

nunkspugget Fri 19-Dec-14 13:04:27

Mine is a perfectly capable dad, (smug) but seems to expect sooooo much more from me!? His meals for the kids are healthy and balanced etc but mine must have zero sugar, contain every vitamin needed that day, some omega oils etc and so on. If I point out that his meal is missing an omega oil or fibre count he always has an excuse, usually about restricted time as if I have hours of spare time to fritter on counting fibre and sugar levels in every fish finger!

StrawberryMouse Fri 19-Dec-14 13:06:11

This sounds like my house. I sort the children out without question but sometimes if dh asks me what's for tea I just look at him a bit blankly and we figure it out together. grin

Ridingthestorm Fri 19-Dec-14 13:10:04

Can I join the 'I have a shitty husband's club'?

When DS was born three years ago, I thought that DH and I would be equals in the parenting department, not so much when I was on maternity leave, but certainly when I went back to work full time as a teacher, I thought DH would do his fair share. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. I have had enough now, especially as I am requesting part time hours and he isn't supportive!?!?!?

My DH persuaded me to swap from breast to bottle because I was having a breakdown with the constant breast feeding. He claimed he would do his fair share. He did the bedtime bottle. It lasted six weeks before he started doing night time work on our kitchen extension. So I was the one who fed our child for the first six months and alongside being weaned up to 9 months - day and night, even when I returned to work.

He has NEVER changed a nappy. Refused, except when I went back to work and it was parents evening or I had that one social night out at Christmas time. In fact, I was the one who potty trained DS and cleaned him up when he had accidents. Still do. I was hanging the washing out once when DH shouted at me from the kitchen to tell me DS had done a poo in his pants.

Bath and bedtime routine was supposed to be shared. He did the bathing of DS as a tiny baby. Again, lasted six weeks until the kitchen extension 'took over'. I STILL do the bath and bedtime routine. DH has never bathed him since being two months old and only does bedtime if, like I said before I am doing parents evening or out for that rare one night a year Christmas party.

DH never cares for him when he is ill. I get up in the night, even when back to work full time, I am the one who comforts him, takes him to the GP (he did it once when CM made an appointment and it was him who picked him up), gets his inoculations and the one who takes time off work when he is too sick to go to the childminders. Hence why in 2012/13 I was called into the office to discuss my absences due to my own increase in illnesses (coming back after mat leave) as well as sickly child. In fact when I have been off work sick, DH expects me to take DS to childminders AND pick him up. I did this when off with flu and step throat. It led to a serious reaction to antibiotics, a near collapse, bronchitis and an ear infection before Christmas 2012. When I had strep throat after spending a week at home with DS because he (rare but he did) come out with the measles rash three weeks after his MMR, I got up three times in the night, up at 5am with him and had to 'care for him' whilst DH pottered outside. When he napped, I napped but had to get up when DS woke.

I was the one who weaned him. I fed him when he wasn't self feeding (partially baby led weaned) and the one who prepared all food.

I take him to social events. Parties, soft play, classes etc. DH began to show an interest in DS when he started walking and will now quite happily have him outside when he is 'doing jobs' like washing the cars. But if he is cold, he brings him in, tells me and shuts the door.

One thing DH always did when we were out together was push the pram. That was a job he seemed quite happy with. When holidaying, I was the one who had to 'deal with him' on the plane journey - 4 hours of a toddler demanding to walk up and down the aisle on a plane loaded with older, unsympathetic holidaymakers.

I never have a lie-in. DS wakes between 6-7am. I am always the one to get up, and DS expects it now, and goes downstairs. DH stays in bed, with his ipad and often doesn't venture downstairs til 8:30am.

DH does do his 'fair share' around the house. He will vacuum, mop floors, cook 5/6 times a week, load the dishwasher, responsible for the fire, wash cars, fix things and does the outdoor jobs, although those jobs are often just him moving stuff about and 'tidying up'.

I clean the bathrooms, sometimes vacuum because DH does a shit job, clean and tidy the kitchen, utility, tidy away and sort DS's toys, washing, ironing, cook at weekends and during non-term time, make beds, tidy bedrooms, do the shopping - all whilst doing practically all the parenting and hours of school work every night and weekend.

I am currently on sick leave with work related stress; stress that could be halved if DH opened his eyes and realised I am doing too much. Before I went sick my day consisted like this:
7am I was leaving for work an hours drive away. Before that time, I got myself and DS up and dressed. DH takes DS to childminders. I used to last couple of years but found I was rushing too much in a morning at work.
Leave work at 5pm, even if jobs not done as DS needs to be picked up before 6pm (the little monster is in childcare 10 hours a day, 5 days a week). Get home for about 6:15-6:30pm depending on discussions about DS's day. Sometimes he is plonked in front of the tv whilst I get out up to 90 exercise books to mark; all needing in depth comments and corrections and extension tasks. I do bedtime routine at 7pm whilst DH cooks tea. DS in bed between 7:30-7:45pm, I eat tea, sometimes whilst marking, then spend the rest of the evening marking work. Whether it is done or not, I am in bed by 10:45 and wonder why I am shattered, crying all the time and feel like an utter failure. His evenings are spent watching HIS programmes and being on the iPad.

I am pregnant with number two. He doesn't like me being off sick, doesn't understand that I have work related pressures on my shoulders and has not given me support to go part time. I am literally breaking.

Sorry for epic post and high jacking, but I was about to post something similar to your post Lucciana

emms1981 Fri 19-Dec-14 13:12:35

My dh is the same. I gave up my job and hes the only worker but he was the same when it was me working.
I feel like I have 3 children. The other night our eldest went to the panto and while we were sat in the car waiting for him to be dropped off at school my youngest said he needed a poo so I said OK take him home I will go pick Ds up. Me and ds walked home in the rain to find him on the sodding computer playing Minecraft. I said haven't you put the dinner on? He said oh ds isn't hungry like that makes any difference.
So I cooked dinner, did dishes and I said right you can bath the boys, he sighed and said great!
He won't do anything unless asked and then its to much trouble. I have put up with it all our married life I know he will never change.

MrsCakesPrecognition Fri 19-Dec-14 13:26:26

On Wednesday night at 11pm DH told me he was down to his last pair of pants. Hands up, I did say I would wash them the next day but due to making a special trip to collect a parcel for him, a GP appointment and a job interview, plus children's activities until 7pm, it slipped my mind.

On Thursday at 11pm on his way to bed, he asks me where his clean pants are. As I was just completing and submitting an assessment for my IT course, I asked him if he could possible bring down a selection of pants and I'd wash and dry them before I went to bed. He asked me where the pants were...then got stroppy when I said they would be exactly where he put them when he took them off (i.e. in the dirty laundry basket). He eventually returned with 3 pairs because "that was all I could find".

I washed and dried the pants, put them by his bedside at 1:30am when I went to bed. Got woken up at 6:30am because he couldn't find his pants.

<head in hands> ranting does however improve my temper a little grin.

Ridingthestorm Fri 19-Dec-14 13:46:56

Mrs cakes - how the hell do you keep it together??????

I bought a new laundry basket for dirty washing. We spent two years using ironing baskets and piles on the bedroom floor. DH didn't like laundry bin in the bedroom (but quite happily condones the piles in the middle of the floor confused ) so the bin went in the hallway outside the bedroom - handy as DS's bedroom was outside. DH STILL puts dirty laundry on the floor and I have to put it in our laundry bin.

I will be telling him that no clothes get washed if it isn't in the bin.

Miggsie Fri 19-Dec-14 13:58:24

Sadly, research shows that women with children do 80% of the housework/child work and men think this is "fair".

Research is currently trying to address why women now work outside the home but still do most of the work in the home as well. The key question being "why don't men do more?"

My answer, (not researched), is that men's ability and strategies to duck house and child work far outlasts most women's ability to keep asking them to do it.

My friend solved this by refusing to cook for or do laundry for her DH.

You can also do it by making lists and policing his efforts to do it until he does it right. This reminds me of all the Victorian books written for middle class ladies on how to train their parlourmaids to do the housework to the correct standard. Now women need to train their husbands.

I've been ruthlessly training DH for about 8 years - and now, this last month, he has started noticing when it needs hoovering and doing it - before this I would say "X needs hoovering" to prompt him.

One thing is NOT to say your DH "helps" - this implies it's really your job and his participation is a "gift" for which you must be grateful. He will therefore try to restore the "gender order" by slowly stopping "helping".

Tell your DH there is family work to be done and he needs to do half.

I like the phrase "family work" because there is such a lot of work in running a family! Just that, because it got dumped on women it was seen as unimportant - well, it isn't!

silveroldie2 Fri 19-Dec-14 14:21:52

I can't help feeling that some women actually secretly like their partners being useless, makes them feel they have the power and only they can do a job properly. Stupid of course.

Honestly, it's pointless complaining on here after letting him behave like a child through however many years of marriage and having children.

When I enter(ed) a relationship, I only consider(ed) one with a fully functioning adult.

MrsCakes- words fail me - his pants would have been shoved where the sun don't shine.

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