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To want to leave this conversation

(17 Posts)
MixedUpMinnie Fri 19-Dec-14 00:25:10

6 weeks ago l discovered that my DP of 3 years was cheating on me and had also had 2 other affairs in the last year. I honestly had no idea and it came as a massive gut wrenching shock, he showed absolutely no remorse coldly telling me he longer loved me and wanted to be single. Within a week he had a new gf and was posting lovey dovey photos of them all over social media.

To say l was and still am devastated would be an understatement. Now I have a group of 6 close friends, we have all known each other from primary school and they showed varying degrees of sympathy. One didn't text me for 2 weeks as she was worried about "upsetting me" apparently confused and l still haven't heard from another. The rest were supportive for a few days then l got the distinct feeling they were avoiding me. I have supported these women through a lot of their own problems over the last few years and felt a little let down they didn't seem bothered about being there for me. Luckily a few other women who l am friends with have stepped up and helped me through the last few weeks and let me cry/rage about the injustice at them.

My group of friends from school have a chat thread on whatsapp, usually used for general chit chat & gossip. Since splitting with ex 2 of my friends have used the thread to announce their engagements, in both these cases l suspected that they had already told most of the others but wanted to do it "officially" Now l am genuinely happy for them, l really am but obviously it does sting a little. Me and ex had discussed marriage and kids and l really did think he was my future so to find myself suddenly single at 33 whilst everyone around me gets married to lovely men does hurt.

The whatsapp thread has now turned into a major gush about rings and wedding chat, one of the women has just declared that she is so happy her friends are ALL so happy and have found love. Everything my phone pings with yet another gushy message l want to cry sad
Would it be unreasonable to leave the thread? It gets announced on the thread if someone leaves the conversation so it would be obvious and they would probably all think I'm a miserable bitch, maybe l am, but l just can't bear all the happy gushing right now whilst l am facing a miserable lonely Christmas sad Am I massively overreacting here?

WhatsGoingOnEh Fri 19-Dec-14 00:30:38

Ugh, I'd feel the same. flowers

Just leave. Hopefully they'll all be too dazzled by the lights bouncing off their huge engagement rings to notice. It'd probably be less odd if you left a little explanation before you left, but I don't know what you could say that didn't sound sad or bitter.

Bloody Hell. Social media is SO depressing when you're upset.

If it's any consolation, 33 is a lovely age to be newly single, I promise. The ex left your life now for a Reason. This time next year, your whole world will look so different, you won't recognise it. It'll be ok, but I do understand why you're sad.

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 19-Dec-14 00:31:24

No, you're not over-reacting, it's bound to be painful.

Leave the chat and if anyone asks why, just say that it's too difficult for you at present whilst you are grieving.

Anyone who questions that is doing you a favour as they can instantly be dumped in the "rubbish friends" pile smile

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 19-Dec-14 00:33:22

I agree with the wise words of What'sGoingOnEh. 33 is a lovely age to re-group and re-assess. You'll be grand.

DetonationStation Fri 19-Dec-14 00:36:05

nope. That sounds very sad and I am sorry that this is where you are right now. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. Wedding talk is boring (to me) anyway unless you are the bride or bridesmaid.

The chat, if I am reading correctly, is with the friends who have been minimally if at all supportive? If so, I would just leave it, no need to explain. They know where you are, otherwise?

If I am not reading correctly and these are supportive friends, I might add something like, 'sorry guys, have to bow out of this chat for a wee while, all the best'

Look after yourself please and I hope your christmas turns out better than you're anticipating.

hellinabreadbasket Fri 19-Dec-14 00:37:29

I think (though not certain), that you can mute a convo on whatsapp - that may be the better option - as I hate to say it, but you don't want the conversation to then turn into ''poor old mixedup'' etc if you blatantly leave

SunsineAndRainbows Fri 19-Dec-14 00:40:01

Defiantly leave, I left a group chat recently of college friends because it was all becoming so bitchy, I've messaged a few people from it individually but no one has mentioned me leaving.

You have every right to leave in your circumstances, they could be far more sympathetic towards your feelings.

As for the ex, what a shit, it hurts like hell but as you probably know time will heal thanks

MixedUpMinnie Fri 19-Dec-14 08:12:30

Thanks everyone, I wasn't sure if l was just being sad and bitter.

Yes social media is very depressing, l actually left facebook a few weeks who for that reason and explained to my friends that l wasn't in the the right place at the moment to be reading constant fb posts from people talking boasting about how great their lives are. So I'm a bit shock that it just seems to have transferred to the whatsapp thread with my supposed best friends.

They are now busy planning a night out to celebrate all the engagements/happiness. If l can't work out how to mute the convo like hell suggests l'll do that. If only l could do that in real life as well!!

UptheAnty Fri 19-Dec-14 08:22:54

Sometimes people can be insensitive without meaning to be.
Unless you have been cheated on by someone you love it's difficult to understand the stress and level of feelings.
I had one special friend who helped me, she brought me food and supported my dc. It had happened to her- she knew...hmm unfortunately on reflection now I see that I unknowingly didn't support her at the time.
I just didn't get it.

I'm sad for you that you do.

thanks

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 19-Dec-14 08:26:49

Of course you can leave a whatsap conversation.

monkeytroubles Fri 19-Dec-14 09:04:06

Maybe post a quick message saying that you've been going through a tough time recently and have decided to have a break from social media for a little while to clear your head. The ones who have been supportive during your split will understand and they'll be be pleased you're taking care of yourself. A friend of mine did this after her relationship broke down (he had an affair, then refused to move out of their flat for ages, all very painful) and she said it made it a lot easier for her to come to terms with everything. It meant she could still call/text her closest, most supportive friends and arrange things with them while avoiding people who weren't being particularly helpful or sensitive to her situation.

yellowdinosauragain Fri 19-Dec-14 12:04:58

I'd post as monkey suggests, that you need a break from social media but that you wish them all the very best in their wedding plans and marriages. Whether they make an effort to keep in touch or not will be telling

LadyLuck10 Fri 19-Dec-14 12:12:16

Yanbu very very thoughtless of them. I may be wrong but I think you can block the group. They wouldn't know that they have been blocked, you just won't receive any messages. If you feel up to it you can tell them the real reason, but if you're too fragile now you can use the block option.

CheeseBuster Fri 19-Dec-14 12:20:22

Gosh how thoughtless of them to be happy for each other!

Can't you just turn off notifications for that app? No pinging of happy messages and no flouncing off the conversation.

yellowdinosauragain Fri 19-Dec-14 12:20:41

I'd have to sit on my hands though to stop myself posting 'I'd find it easier to be happy for you if you'd shown any sensitivity or support during my recent painful breakup with dp. As you've shown me neither your constant harping on about how happy you are in your relationships is an extra smack in the face and therefore I'm leaving the conversation. I'd like to say I'll keep in touch but in all honesty that depends on whether you feel able to treat me with the empathy and support you'd expect from an old friend in this situation'

Ridingthestorm Fri 19-Dec-14 14:21:39

Any way you can change the notifications? I a, not familiar with what's app unfortunately but instead of leavings he conversation and risk an unsympathetic ear bashing from friends, it may help so that your face isn't being rubbed in it all of the time.
YANBU for feeling let down. They have every right to be happy for each other and themselves but they need to employ some tact when they are announcing it, or talking about it knowing you will see everything. Friends can. Sometimes be a bit selfish at times like this, but it doesn't mean they will always be like that. Do they know you have deactivated your fb account? Assuming you have since you said you took yourself off of it.
If they mention your absence in the conversation, be polite and say whereas you are very happy for their happiness, you aren't in the best place to be able to offer them support and need some alone time right now.
Focus on the friends that ARE there for you. Recently, I have come to realise that people who I have known for up to 12 years are shunning me at a time of need and it is friends I have barely known 2/3 years that are proving to be my rock at times of need. Just because they are old school friends, doesn't mean they are the best to support you.

fluffyraggies Fri 19-Dec-14 14:33:42

I was going to ask if you can just turn off the notifications?

There are certain things we go through in life which are incredibly shit and which suddenly twist and colour our view of what's going on with other people. What would usually be a perfectly normal thing, ie folk chatting about their engagements, become painful to see/listen to. Preg. announcements for those struggling with TTC are another.

It's easy to find yourself withdrawing from things and then finding you are a bit left out. Strike a balance if you can OP; stay in touch with these people but try to filter out their 'relationship joy' for the time being if you can. They will stop going on about it eventually.

flowers

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