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MIL 'giving away' house to BIL

(90 Posts)
chas1 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:46:02

DH’s parents have never been particularly well off, FIL is an alcoholic who hasn’t worked for 25 yrs and MIL has worked hard and only in latter years been promoted and done well. She pays all bills and was very savvy in buying their council house 14 yrs ago, small mortgage now paid off. I have always respected her as she has had to support a useless husband and my youngest BIL who still lives at home and has only this year found employment (he is 28 and had no mental or physical disability to prevent him finding work just laziness and low aspirations). They have never been able to help us financially with wedding, deposit etc. or practically with childcare for example and luckily for us my parents have helped out to some degree.
Anyway DH’s grandfather passed away last year and MIL inherited a significant sum which enabled her to buy another property outright which they will live in. We assumed she would sell the ex council house (which has increased in value significantly) and perhaps retire/relax generally enjoy a better life. However instead she has decided to sell it to BIL for a tenth of its value without discussing it with DH or his other brother. Am I being unreasonable to be shocked at this and think it is unfair favouritism?
We have always got on well with her, visited regularly taken her on holiday with us and generally had a good relationship as has other brother who has also made own way in life without any help from them. I know she is now in a position to give this wonderful gift to her son but it feels so unfair that we are still saddled with big mortgage and struggling to make ends meet while he will be sorted for life.

NoArmaniNoPunani Thu 18-Dec-14 21:48:33

Yes that's very unfair. I bet you'll get a lot of posters telling you it's her money and she can do what she wants with it but I agree with you.

lem73 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:49:45

YANBU. People should treat their kids the same but often don't. On the other hand you should be proud of everything you've achieved for yourself.

Scholes34 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:50:18

What would you rather? Your BIL will now have to take some responsibility for himself.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 18-Dec-14 21:51:04

I wouldn't be surprised, all
She's done is enable him her whole life

Scholes34 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:51:45

I disagree. I would help my children according to need.

SASASI Thu 18-Dec-14 21:52:10


TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Thu 18-Dec-14 21:52:25

Perhaps youngest BIL has provided companionship and support through her horrible life with an alcoholic. Perhaps she feels that everyone else abandoned her but he stuck around (not saying this is true, just how she might feel).

There may well be a deal that youngest BIL will take care of her when she is frail.

MrBisinbother Thu 18-Dec-14 21:52:37

You decided to get married, buy a house and have children .Why should she help you with childcare or money?

Stormingateacup Thu 18-Dec-14 21:53:19

Totally unfair. Nothing you can do so try and ignore it.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 18-Dec-14 21:53:58

It is unfair - what does your husband and his other brother think of this?

Nothing you can do about it other than point out she is enabling him to be a lazy arse and it doesn't bode well for her hardworking sons.

hesterton Thu 18-Dec-14 21:54:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stormingateacup Thu 18-Dec-14 21:55:07

scholes he's 'in need' because he can't be arsed to get a job, according to the OP.

hiddenhome Thu 18-Dec-14 21:56:18

Perhaps she feels that BIL is a bit inadequate and in need of her help. If she's been 'programmed' to help useless men (like her husband), then this sense of responsibility will obviously extend to other people in her life.

RockinHippy Thu 18-Dec-14 21:57:20

Sorry, not what you want to hear, but IMHO YABVU

Shes not dead yet, it isn't anyones inheritance, it's her property to do with as she will. She's not giving it away, but selling it to BIL & where as I can see why you feel miffed on your DHs behalf, it isn't actually your place to get involved, but your DHs.

Sounds to me like the only way she can get BIL to actually leave home, so she can finally have some peace & if this is what she needs/chooses to do, then that us her choice & for the sake of your DH, you need to butt out.

I used to have a friend like your BIL - pretty much the same situation but she's much older, never really worked or left home - her DIS was happy for the DM when an inherited property was given to DSIS, as it freed DM up from the adult child that refused to leave home - perhaps you need to change your mind set for DHs sake

fairyfuckwings Thu 18-Dec-14 21:57:44

God yes - that would stick in my throat too!Of course, she can do what she wants with her own money, but I think most people in your husbands situation would feel press resentful towards the brother! He's essentially being rewarded for his laziness.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:57:45

I recon the council house has gone to BIL, while their present house will go to yourself and the other BIL

ThrowAChickenInTheAir Thu 18-Dec-14 21:57:47

Very unfair. And hurtful. You can try and ignore it I guess but this is how rifts begin in families. I wonder why on earth she would do that confused

MrsPiggie Thu 18-Dec-14 21:59:38

It's unfair but maybe she's trying to give him a nudge to live independently. She may leave everything else to her other sons in her will.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Thu 18-Dec-14 22:00:36

If he is lazy and entitled, she might blame herself for making him live with an alcoholic. Maybe she feels it is her fault he has turned out that way and so she is compensating. The rest of the DC turned out OK so no compensation is needed - their nice lives are enough.

anothernumberone Thu 18-Dec-14 22:01:18

I think she is enabling his behaviour and in the long run she really is doing him no favours. I have a feeling this will happen in DH's family too but so be it since I think it would have been better in their case if their child had been cut loose years ago. I don't think DH would mind because he feels a bit sad for SIL rather than angry.

GettingFiggyWithIt Thu 18-Dec-14 22:02:01

YANBU but your BIL has always lived there so the alternative would have been him paying her rent unless being kicked out.
It IS her money, it is her decision, she may well not want to retire, her job might be fulfilling/respite from dh/company/independence.
It may well be that her new house will be ultimately left to your DH and the other brother if your BIL has had his 'share'.
But if you wanted her to sell up to improve her quality of life then this decision has not affected you at all has it? If you wanted her to sell up to improve your quality of life that's a different kettle of worms.

SocialMediaAddict Thu 18-Dec-14 22:05:29

Very unfair.

MmeLindor Thu 18-Dec-14 22:06:02

YANBU to be upset about it, but I think you should look at it differently.

My SIL has serious MH issues, which are often triggered when she feels particularly vulnerable - emotionally and financially. She and her husband don't have a high income, and she worries about how they'd cope if he were to lose his job. When FIL's mother died, her house was transferred in name only to SIL, so that she has the security of having a roof over her head.

I know you say that your BIL doesn't have MH issues, he's just lazy, and it can feel unfair, but perhaps this is your MIL's way of making sure he is ok. She sees your DH and his other brother as having achieved financial security and wants the same for BIL.

I'd leave it alone.

ChrisMooseAlbanians Thu 18-Dec-14 22:10:05

It is unfair but she needs to seek proper legal advice before selling to BIL for a tenth of the price.
I can't remember the exact ruling but they have closed up huge loopholes in the law and she/he WILL have to pay a percentage of what the house is worth minus the value she is selling to BIL. (I know this because FIL tried to do the same for us last year).

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