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That my heart is singing tonight as I have taken DD out of nursery

(156 Posts)
CountryMummy1 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:14:44

That's it! No more miserable mornings, sleepless nights, screaming and crying at drop off, hours of guilty angst.

After a near meltdown yesterday (I posted here) I decided that something had to give and it was Nursery. DD is almost 3 and she hasn't settled in 2 months. She goes 2 mornings a week and it has really affected her. She has been more withdrawn, quick to tears and is so clingy with me she won't even go to her Dad. I've tried everything - talking a lot about nursery, not talking about it, books, bribery, star charts etc. and nothing works. It was a very carefully chosen nursery (we looked at 10) with low child/staff ratio, low staff turnover, child centred etc. She isn't putting it on - she is genuinely devastated when I leave her. I can feel her little heart beating so fast. She tries to be brave but she just can't stop the tears. She spends the whole morning sitting on the lap of her key worker and, although she does join in a bit, she isn't exactly learning much. She rarely speaks (she has speech delay) although her speech has come on so much in the last 6 months at home.

I phoned DD's speech therapist and burst into tears as I'm worried that taking her out of nursery will delay her speech even further. I have seen doctors about her speech (she has a lip tie) and have been told some pretty awful things e.g. "just get her into nursery, she'll have to speak then!" The speech therapist was wonderful. She said that DD was getting excellent speech models at home and from her extended family, and the groups that we attend would also support this. She said that if we weren't happy then that would do DD no favours.

I should know all this. I have a PhD in Early Year Education. I know I can support DD's development well at home. We have a stable home life, close extended family who she sees daily, enough money to do a few different activities, a playroom where we do art/craft activities daily, I am a stay at home mum etc......... AND YET.... I have been brainwashed by the current 'Nursery is best' culture. Everyone of my friend's children are in nursery and I can't help but feel uneasy that my DD isn't. The women who run the SureStart nursery are constantly giving me leaflets and asking if I need help finding a nursery. Everyone asks when she's starting and my MIL is horrified that I have taken her out.

My family supports me as they have seen the change in her, particularly my mum who sees her daily. I thought we might just tick along for the next 6 months and revaluate then.

Please tell me I'm not making a HUGE mistake!! and that she won't always hate school.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO Thu 18-Dec-14 20:19:21

I have been brainwashed by the current 'Nursery is best' culture. confused I am not aware of this culture?

I have worked in care and have seen enough threads about nurseries to know its not the de fault best option. But it is an option.

I think you have done the 100% right thing for your child and her needs.

Of course she wont always hate school, she is an organic changing being....Take her to toddler groups, soft play, all places mine interacted with others.

You left it long enough, have faith in yourself, you have done the right thing.

CountryMummy1 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:20:29

The decider for me today was when I sat DD down to talk about it and she managed to say (despite her speech delay) that when she was at Nursery her "eyes and tummy hurt and I want mummy cuddle and I'm sad!. I can't do it to her anymore.

corgiology Thu 18-Dec-14 20:25:19

Glad she is happier but I would be putting in an action plan in the lead up to school so she won't go through this all again when she starts primary.

Maybe you could go to a playgroup type setting where you stay with her but encourage her to interact with others? Or some sort of schooling system where there is a teacher but you also stay there so she can at least learn around others? smile

I had to take both my sons out of nursery, the first I was working in but DS couldn't see me as I was in a different room to him and he cried and cried so I gave in my job and found another working nights.

Then DS2 started a morning nursery at 2 years old and was the same, he lasted 3 weeks then I took him out as he wasn't settling at all, he started school Nursery at 3 and it took him a bit of time to get used to it but he grew to like it.

I think you have done the right thing.

Fairylea Thu 18-Dec-14 20:26:54

You're massively over thinking things. If she isn't happy she isn't happy. If you are happy and able to have her at home with you there is no issue is there? Win win all round. grin I'm sure she will settle into school when she is a bit older and able to cope with it more.

I have a 2.5 year old and he has never been to nursery or any preschool groups or even mother and toddler groups. Can't stand any of it. We just go to a lot of parks and soft play!

His older sister is now 12 and she has turned out fine grin

Hoppinggreen Thu 18-Dec-14 20:27:14

While I agree it sounds like this is the right decision now please bear in mind that in the not too distant future your DD will be going to school ( unless you HE) and you might want to think about how you prepare her for that.
I'm not saying Nursery is the only option for this but you have some time to figure it out.

ButEmilylovedhim Thu 18-Dec-14 20:27:14

Hi! I also took my DD out of preschool after half a term when she was three. I left her at first and she was so upset. Then I couldn't bear to leave her so stayed every session which was totally missing the point of preschool. The staff didn't seem to want to help with settling in and I started to feel I was quite useful as another pair of hands, so they had no incentive!

I had some safety concerns too so I took her out. I did worry about how she would settle later at school with no experience of large groups of children or a 'classroom environment' but decided the future would just have to look after itself. She started school at 4 and one month and LOVED school and thrived there so all my worries were for nought. Your little one probably just needs a bit more time at home. I too felt very relieved when I took her out. You've done the right thing. thanks for you x

HedgePony Thu 18-Dec-14 20:27:21

Sounds like you have done the right thing to me smile. Sure in a little while she will be ready for nursery but for the time being she is happier with you and that's the important thing. And that's a great sentence for a two year old with speech delay!!

Fabulous46 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:29:15

I would be putting in an action plan in the lead up to school so she won't go through this all again when she starts primary.

^^ this is exactly what I would be doing. Unless you are going to home educate.

I will add that DS1 was a nightmare going to the Nursery attached onto the school but we just did a gradual introduction from 1 hour a day until he built up to the 3 hours in the morning.

Heels99 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:29:55

All sounds rather dramatic with tears and emotion everywhere.
Can you prepare for school in a calmer fashion?

chocolatecrispies Thu 18-Dec-14 20:30:31

Young Children Learning by Tizard and Hughes is a great research study about why actually being at home is better for language development than nursery or school. And I know exactly what you mean about the nursery is best culture, I feel it all around me but my dd doesn't go because she is happier with me. An unhappy child will not learn.

CountryMummy1 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:31:29

Thank you all for your kind words. They are making me cry.

We currently go to 2 music/drama/play groups and she goes to Ballet and swimming. In Ballet she has just gone up into the top group and now I sit in a different room while she dances. She has been fine with that as she is confident there, loves her teacher (she has been going since 6 months) and her friends there.

The local private school runs a Stay and Play session for 2 hours a week where parents can stay and then just gradually take more and more of a backseat as the child settles. I think I might try that.

Longtalljosie Thu 18-Dec-14 20:31:36

Please don't worry about school. How old will she be when she starts reception? My DD1 was very unhappy with her nursery - but did much better in the nursery attached to reception the term after she turned three and settled into school well. They mature so fast at that age - you can't say if she can't deal with nursery at 2.5 she'll have a problem at 4 - that's nearly half of her life again! You did the right thing.

BaronessBomburst Thu 18-Dec-14 20:32:15

My DS didn't settle at nursery. He started at two and just didn't want to be there. He spent the whole time sat by the window 'waiting for mummy'. We tried cutting the sessions shorter but he sti refused to join in. After a few weeks the nursery suggested I take him out as it wasn't benefitting him. We tried again six months later and he loved it. He is now at school and loves that too.
You've done the right thing.

Fairylea Thu 18-Dec-14 20:33:09

At the risk of sounding like Elsa as well I think you need to "let it go" a bit in terms of stressing over how much you do at home - a pre schooler doesn't need phd level input at home to learn and progress. They will do that as long as they have great feedback and lots of positive praise. That's all.

Chill out! fwink

Asleeponasunbeam Thu 18-Dec-14 20:34:13

You don't have to prepare for school with nursery! You don't have to prepare for it with anything. Children are not 3 when they go to school, are they?

Sounds like she'll have a suitably nurturing and interesting time at home with you. And she'll more than likely be ready for school when it's time to go.

titchy Thu 18-Dec-14 20:34:57

She won't start school for nearly two years - plenty of time to prepare her!

CountryMummy1 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:35:13

She is due to start Reception in September 2016 so we have lots of time to try again

waithorse Thu 18-Dec-14 20:36:34

YANBU. I felt a lot of pressure from friend's and family to send my youngest dc to nursery. I didn't and we had a lovely time. She started school in September and settled in wonderfully, despite everyone telling me he wouldn't because he hadn't been in a pre school environment. You've made the right decision for your family. thanks

JemimaButtons Thu 18-Dec-14 20:36:39

I tried starting both my DSs in nursery jus few months after their 2nd birthday, as everyone said they would gain much from it. They were both inconsolable. I started DS1 again at age 3.4 and he loved it. He also loves school, he just wasn't ready any earlier.

i started Ds2 at nursery in September and gave it 4 weeks. Just like you Op, we were both upset and I was having sleepless nights. I plan to start Ds2 next September. I'm confident it will be fine.

Good luck.

Imsosorryalan Thu 18-Dec-14 20:37:24

Please don't worry about school. She just isn't ready NOW. My dd went to nursery, screamed the place down for the 2 hours I left her (for 2 weeks) I pulled her out. I tried a gain 6 months later when she started pre school, did a gradual Leaving ( over a few weeks) and she didn't cry once and absolutely loves it now. Trust your gut instinct. thanks

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Thu 18-Dec-14 20:37:50

She isn't even 3yet? Yes of course you done right thing. Nursery doesn't suit everyone and is not compulsory. My DD didnt start nursery until she was 4.5years old (long time ago) and the only reason she started was because she asked to go. I'm not a believer in dragging kids in kicking and screaming. We manage to teach our kids so much before school age its bizarre how we then start to question ourselves as soon as they reach nursery age.

Sleeptimenow Thu 18-Dec-14 20:38:38

It sounds like you have done the right thing for both of you. My dd only goes to nursery one day a week but she is always excited and perfectly happy to run in and play. If she was as upset as your daughter then I wouldn't hesitate to take her out and look for another childcare option (I would have to as I am still working part time).

It sounds like you do loads for her development and as long as she is useD to spending time with other children in soft play/playgroup etc she will cope with school, especially as she will be older and will have changed by then.

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