Boomerang kids

[Londonbug1]

I am not sure if this the right place for this but I really need to blow off some steam!
I have seen threads in here about empty nesters and how mothers long for their children to return home but.....
My ds finished university last year and is back home.
She has got a professional job which I know is exhausting but we are all working.
She is a lovely girl very charming fun but she is absolutely filthy. I am not talking about untidy here I am talking about dirty plates hidden in bedroom drawers. Pants in the wash(on the floor) with used sanitary towels attached. Bags with old rotting food left in them. The bathroom is trashed.
I think we that I am reasonably clean and tidy and am finding this impossible to cope with. It is leading to arguments and resentments and I can see it eventually ruining our relationship
I try to stay out of her room but I am terrified that we will end up with cockroaches or mice so I have to go in their and fish the worst bits out.
Anyone with any ideas I would be very grateful as I am at the end of my tether

[formerbabe]

Oh no!!! Does she pay rent? You are not obliged to house her now she is an adult... I'd remind her of that!

[PoppySausage]

You need to say your house your standards or she can live elsewhere. Seriously, I was untidy at home and my mum wouldn't put up with it in communal areas, although my room was my domain

[Londonbug1]

How did your mother not put up with it?
That is what I need to find out and implement!!!

[Theorientcalf]

Either she learns to not be so disgusting or she moves out.

Is she paying you money every month?

[xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv]

Used sanitary towels in the wash and dirty plates in drawers? EURGH that's beyond normal young person muck.

[canweseethebunnies]

Sorry, is she your dd or your dsd?

[canweseethebunnies]

Have you tried to talk to her about it?

[londonrach]

How old is she. Used towels, bags of rubbish doesnt sound normal. Did she do that before going to uni.

[QuinnTwinny]

It's amazing the lack of respect some people have when it's not actually their home. My sister was a nightmare, her bedroom was disgusting and never did any housework. Now she lives with her boyfriend, her own flat is pristine. She makes everyone take their shoes off at the door!

[WhyTheFace]

Used sanitary towels? WTF?

[OriginalGreenGiant]

Pants in the wash(on the floor) with used sanitary towels attached

I've done this once by mistake. Obviously just kicked my Knicks off and straight into the basket without checking

Dh found it when he was doing a wash - I though he was going to vomit on his shoes. Don't think he's ever fully recovered.

[JanetBookLover]

Buy her some tampons? Mine came back after university but are all fairly tidy so no such issues. Oldest have bought places now with parental help. Longer term that might be a good plan if you can help with a 10% deposit or part of it even if just to a rather grotty place miles from work - at least she's then bought her own place.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

canwe...bunnies does the relationship between OP and adultDC make a difference as to whether the behaviour is acceptable?

[DustInTheWind]

'How old is she. Used towels, bags of rubbish doesnt sound normal. Did she do that before going to uni.'

That sounds very like some of the student houseshare members that DD had to put up with at uni.
I don't know what the answer is, I'd go ballistic and be binning things and setting some very clear rules about what sharing a house involves, or she can move out into a room in a shared house.
FWIW I have two adult children living at home and what you're describing is way beyond what is reasonable.

[oldestmumaintheworld]

Oh, how I sympathise. My own DD's standards have gone down the tubes since sharing a house at uni. I think its about all living together, being busy, nobody taking responsibility for the muck (not like at home where mum does) and they just seem to get used to it and ignore it. Then they come home and don't adapt to being back where they were three years previously. SO, I had the following conversation with my Dd last Saturday:

1. You are not treating the place with respect and therefore not treating me with respect. This is unacceptable.
2. I realise that we may have different standards but this is my flat and I do not want to live in a dirty, untidy space.
3. I do not want to come home from work and find no milk for a cup of tea, nowhere clean for me to put my coat down and nowhere to sit that isn't covered with crumbs and stuff.
4. If you wish to continue living here then this must change now
5. I expect you to stay home tomorrow and clean and I will tell you when it is up to my standard and then you can stop.
6. If you are not able to do this then you must find somewhere else to live by the end of March and pay for a cleaner until then.

She cried throughout this and said she was sorry. I hardened my heart and said sorry didn't cut it any more. I've had sorry for the past six months. Now was the time for action. She realised that I meant it because every time she came up with a 'reason' why something happened or didn't happen I just repeated parrot fashion 'that is not acceptable'.

So far its working, but I am on every single infringement because I've realised I have to be. It is exhausting and a bit like training a puppy, but I think it might be the only way.

I hope this helps.

[TiggerLillies]

"Darling, I love you but it seems as though our living standards are quite different, I love having your company here - and I want you to be in an environment where you feel comfortable...
That's why I think we need to agree on some house rules for you to continue to living here or maybe you would be happier moving out?
After all you know how much I love you and I'd hate to fall out over something so easily solvable! "
Good luck OP!

[Londonbug1]

It's exhausting really have had all these chats in various modes,reasonable, angry,sad, sulking, none make any difference.
I was thinking of insisting she pay for a cleaner but I'd be too embarrassed /ashamed to ask anyone to clean up after her.
She has just bought me theatre tickets to say sorry but I don't want sorry I want surgical levels of cleanliness!!!!!
She has some leave now so I think I will have to tackle it once again:(

[DandyHighwayman]

That is utterly disgusting, yuk at used sanitary towels in partic

Use oldestmuma's list and be very clear that if no compliance then she's out on the 1st March

[oldestmumaintheworld]

Hi again Londonbug. I really do understand how you feel; you don't want to be harsh, but I've realised over the last couple of days that you have to be. It really is like going back to the beginning of toddler training and after 20 years I hadn't planned on having to do that. I must admit that it came to a head on Friday and I was too mad even to speak to her and told her so. Hence speaking on Saturday. I did also say at the beginning of the conversation that I was still really angry but that we needed to sort the problem out. I managed to stay calm and spoke to her as I would someone I manage at work. ie calm, soft voice and impersonal. This was hard.

As far as your Dd is concerned I wouldn't worry about the cleaner. They've seen it all. Your Dd will need to understand how much it's going to cost (where we live it's £15 an hour) and that you have to tidy up before the cleaner comes so that she can do the job.

I'd also be tempted to give her the theatre tickets back and ask her to get the money back. This is about respecting you and your home and she can't just buy you off with a gift.

Good luck.

Maybe we should start a support group for put upon Mothers of mucky children. (ha, ha)

[TurquoiseDress]

I think you need a bit of a word with her!
It's fine for her to have a messy or untidy bedroom- whatever, it's here own personal space.

But the dirty dishes in drawers & the knickers with used sanitary towels attatched...that is just grim!
What is her personal hygiene like?

She needs to realise that she is sharing a home with others and needs to pull her standards up!

Regardless as to whether she is paying rent or not that is fairly disgusting behaviour!

[canweseethebunnies]

No peruvian, but if it not her own dd than surely her dad would be best to talk to her for diplomacy's sake? Op wrote ds at first so I thought dsd, but it seems it's her dd.

[LadyLuck10]

Sorry but I think you need to tell it to her straight rather than tip toeing around trying to be oh so polite. She is disgusting and needs to be told that. Imagine her being a guest somewhere or living in shared accommodation, it would not be tolerated. As an adult, it's not acceptable.

[greenfolder]

this will be me a few years down the line.

dd has had a tip of a room since she was 13. first year of uni- moved her into halls. went home and tidied her room. end of first year went to collect her to and found her room in the same state. cleaned it cos it was our deposit. then she made the same mess back at home.

this year i have basically thrown out the contents of her bedroom and told her it is now the guest room and she will act accordingly.

i dread the thought of her living at home again!

[Fabulous46]

All of my four have boomeranged back after Uni. All four returned home with messyitis. All four got the same treatment, their stuff was dumped in an old caravan we have. If they couldn't keep my home tidy then they wouldn't be living in it. It didn't take them long to clean up their acts and rooms. There no excuse for filth or untidiness at any age.

[Marmiteandjamislush]

I don't want to worry you OP, but could she have an eating disorder? I am bulimic and I went through a period of hiding plates and bags of food sometimes chewed and spat out I also had poor personal hygiene and evidence of periods was difficult to deal with. As I said, I don't want to worry you, but it might be worth checking.