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AIBU to be pissed off with 'D'SD & give the presents to charity

(84 Posts)
NoMorepls Thu 18-Dec-14 13:45:57

Grr am actually fuming !!

'D'SD is 21 with her own DD and partner they go away every year for Christmas to what ever relative of her partner offers to have them they are leaving tomorrow and won't be back until the new year .

She has had all week to bring DGD to see her Dad and collect Christmas presents but she hasn't bothered , she arranged to come round today and has just txt to cancel as she has too much to do so will call round after Christmas as its not as though the present is anything important anyway angry
She did the same last year and never bothered to turn up after Christmas or to even acknowledge her Dad , Openly sits telling her Dad what she has bought for her in-laws and her Dm & her partner (who was quickly promoted to Grandad within a year as he has money) .
She has never once brought her Dad a present even a small token gift or a bloody card and I know it shouldn't bother me but it really does as I just can't stand the lack of respect or care she has for him , but I can guarantee that if we had spare money she would be up his arse !!!!

I have just rang Dp and told him she isn't bothering to come round and he just said he isn't surprised , Also told him I'm giving Dsd present and DGD present to a local charity who will actually appreciate them .

So AIBU ???

paxtecum Thu 18-Dec-14 13:51:29

Does her Dad, your DP, ever go and visit her?
Does he ever ring her and arrange to go and see her and his DGC?

My XH's second wife got in a real strop because our DD forgot her Dad's birthday.
She was actually leaving her abusive DH that month.
My XH makes very little effort to contact our DD so really his birthday was the last thing on her mind.

WorraLiberty Thu 18-Dec-14 13:56:00

Why are you taking charge of her present?

Surely that's up to her Dad to do/not do?

VitalStollenFix Thu 18-Dec-14 13:59:18

I don't blame you re your stepdaughter, but is it fair to extend that to her daughter who, I assume, has no choice in the matter?

gobbynorthernbird Thu 18-Dec-14 13:59:38

Is there going to be a massive drip-feed as to why her dad couldn't get off his arse and drop the presents round?

MrsSaginowsky Thu 18-Dec-14 14:01:30

Why hasn't he been to her is she is so busy?

ignominious Thu 18-Dec-14 14:02:33

I am the DSD in your scenario and there's a fucking reason.

NoMorepls Thu 18-Dec-14 14:02:35

Yes he does visit her and have contact with her , she is not a child anymore and has no excuse for her behaviour .
Makes arrangements to go round and see them and when he gets their she has gone out with her in-laws as they made a better offer .
I sorted the presents out as Dp has been working none stop so not had chance to go anywhere or do anything , which is why he had to book time off today so he could see them before they went away .

I have been with Dp 10 years so it's not a new relationship

defineme Thu 18-Dec-14 14:02:37

So what is the history? What caused such a shitty father daughter relationship? I can only assume she is either acting out some deep seated hurt from the past or she is a terrible person.

Theboodythatrocked Thu 18-Dec-14 14:03:06

Think it's up to her dad to sort out.

She sounds like she wants to piss you both off?

NoMorepls Thu 18-Dec-14 14:04:37

I give in with this forum , it's always the dad's fault

Theboodythatrocked Thu 18-Dec-14 14:05:06

Oh dear * ignominius* you Arnt the actual dsd are you?

Summerisle1 Thu 18-Dec-14 14:06:43

I'm not suggesting it is your dp's fault but I would suggest that you take a step back here. I don't think it is fair for a grandchild to be on the receiving end of these unpleasant games either. But actually, there's nothing you can do to force a better relationship between your DP and his DD. That's for them to sort.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 18-Dec-14 14:07:29

Sounds to me like she's pretty angry with her dad, and possibly with you as well. Any idea why that might be?

gobbynorthernbird Thu 18-Dec-14 14:09:51

I give in with this forum , it's always the dad's fault

You're happy to give away a child's Xmas present to charity because her mum is busy, and can't see that a failed father/daughter relationship might be something to do with your DP. I really have no sympathy.

defineme Thu 18-Dec-14 14:11:21

I don't think it is about fault but if you don't try to understand why she is behaving in this appalling way then you will never be able to either fix it or come to terms with it. I imagine you both want to keep seeing grandchild?

PlumpingUpPartridge Thu 18-Dec-14 14:14:29

I feel sorry for your DP, he does sound a little resigned to it.

I'd hang onto the presents though as at least your DGC will be happy.

paxtecum Thu 18-Dec-14 14:16:47

If you give the gifts away you are effectively finishing the relationship.

ignominious Thu 18-Dec-14 14:17:48

No not the actual DSD smile sorry shouldn't have sworn.

CrapBag Thu 18-Dec-14 14:18:13

How about that it's because the DD is out for what she can get and can't be arsed, to all the PPs automatically blaming OPs DH because he is the dad. She doesn't sounderstand very nice. Oh she's busy so why can't the dad go around? What about the fact that he is also so busy OP sorted the presents for him? That doesn't matter though because he is the man so it's his fault.

My dad had a significant birthday earlier this year. He has 4 children. He has always made the effort to see them, keep in touch, take them out when younger. Only 1 of them got him a present (me). The others sent a text (fucking cop out) and 1 just demanded to know where her new iphone was (dad pays for her contract, she is nearly 18 and not working).

I wish people wouldn't assume that it's the man's fault or that he has done something that means something is wrong with the relationship.

SqueezyCheeseWeasel Thu 18-Dec-14 14:50:46

Maybe he was a crap father when she was growing up and she doesn't want to play happy families now?

cindydog Thu 18-Dec-14 14:56:35

Perhaps you should be thankful that she, her partner and child DONT CHOOSE to stay with her dad for the Christmas season. Stay out of it would be my opinion.

trulybadlydeeply Thu 18-Dec-14 15:09:54

How was their relationship growing up? Did they have lots of contact?

I can understand your frustration in all this, but it is up to them to improve the relationship, if they both want to. DSD is still very young, and might not realise the hurt she is causing. Or she does, and she is doing it deliberately, due to past history. Poor DGD is the one who is ultimately going to lose out in all this.

I would try to keep the lines of communication open between you and DSD, but also leave them to it, as much as possible.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits Thu 18-Dec-14 15:12:36

I'm amazed nobody on MN has asked yet if you were the OW grin

Your DSD sounds a lot like mine, so my advice is to ignore her bad behaviour and let your DP deal with it. As long as your DP keeps some kind of contact going with her you can step back and let them get on with it. Personally, I prefer having minimal contact with people who are disrespectful and it makes life much easier than if you have to see them all the time.

Don't get rid of the presents as that makes you look as bad as her but don't go out of your way to drop the presents round to them either. Let your DP decide what he wants to do and you will feel much calmer about things. Good luck, OP!

jigglywiggly Thu 18-Dec-14 15:22:32

I'm in a similar situation to you Op, and no it's not because our Dps are crap fathers like it has been suggested, some children just want to be treated like children for ever even when well into adult hood.
Like you, I feel MN does blame the father all the time, after all step children can never be in the wrong can they?? And to suggest that the OP's husband is or was a crap father is rude and offensive, but that's where some posters get off, being rude and offensive behind the safety of a screen.
Anyway I have taken a step back from my situation with DSC, try to do the same too. Let your DP sort it out, it's his relationship with her after all.

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