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In fact I know I'm not (MIL/ Presents)

(30 Posts)
Stoneysilence Thu 18-Dec-14 13:20:06

But am probably being grabby/ entitled/ call it what you will.

DD (nearly 2yo) is the 5th grandchild and the furthest geographically-speaking from where MIL lives. This Christmas, MIL has already left the country to spend Christmas with SIL and her two DS where they live in another country.

Doing my last minute shopping just now it's suddenly occurred to me (like a smack in the face) that MIL hasn't left anything for DD for Christmas. Not even a fiver for DH and/or I to get her a stocking filler with.

Oversight? Perhaps. But I'm pretty sure SIL2 and her brood (who live very close to MIL and are in her every waking thought) will be well provided for, if last Xmas is anything to go by, when SIL2's kids had literally present mountains, whereas DD had one tiny 'fun' gift "because she doesn't really know it's Christmas does she" (DD was 11mo at the time, so fair enough, but still, ooh burn).

Thoughts? And how to approach this with DH who's very protective of MIL?

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard Thu 18-Dec-14 13:22:15

There's still time for something to arrive in the post.


wishmiplass Thu 18-Dec-14 13:23:41

Ask DH to contact your MIL to find out how much she'll be wiring over to by DD a gift with before Christmas.

Miserable cow.

Diamondsareagirls Thu 18-Dec-14 13:24:27

What do you think your DH would do/say is MIL hasn't got DD anything for Christmas and has got other GCs something?

Stoneysilence Thu 18-Dec-14 13:24:42

Yes. That's what I've been telling myself too. But MIL left for the other country 10days ago - even second class posted before she left would have arrived by now? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself/ jumping to wrong conclusions?

I don't care about the value/gifts, it's truly the 'thought that counts' being at stake here.

youareallbonkers Thu 18-Dec-14 13:26:52

Maybe she will bring gifts after Christmas. When did you give her the gifts from you?

Stoneysilence Thu 18-Dec-14 13:27:12

Tbh I don't know what DH would do - shrug I suppose, because the 'stuff' isn't important and that's what he'll see it as, but for me it speaks volumes about how MIL sees us/DD.

Stoneysilence Thu 18-Dec-14 13:28:35

Maybe she will YouAreReal - that's a nice thought. We gave her gifts the last time we saw her and have transferred cash to SIL in the other country for her DSs gifts as their post is non-existent.

Mammanat222 Thu 18-Dec-14 13:29:11

Hmmmm, seems like the issue isn't the present (or lack of) but the fact that you think MIL favours her other grandkids?

Even in your one short post its obvious that you think the other kids are favoured.

Does he agree and if so that is the issue you need DH to tackle.

wishmiplass Thu 18-Dec-14 13:29:21

What's your point bonkers? That MIL should only get her DGG a gift if the OP has given her one?

Stoneysilence Thu 18-Dec-14 13:30:13

I should probably add SIL2 has sent nothing for DD either (yet - but there's plenty of time for anything still to arrive) while I've sent everything for her kids which she would have got but hasn't acknowledged right now.

God I sound like a right so-and-so don't I. I think this Christmas-with-kids lark is bringing out the worst in me!

fluffyraggies Thu 18-Dec-14 13:36:24

Well - i hope it turns out that she has left something somewhere with someone for your DD for xmas. After xmas is a bit pants. For small DCs.

However i would brace yourself for the fact that you, DH and DD are among The Unfavored, as far as your MIL is concerned, and begin to put in place simple coping stratergies for explaining to DD for the forseable future. Once your DD learns to expect not a lot from nanny it gets easier.

My XPIL doted on their youngest sons DCs and openly spent a fortune on them for holidays to Disneyland ect, while barely acknowledging my DCs (by their eldest son) existence. We got good at deflecting the questions from DC, and after a while they just stopped asking. They reaped what they sewed though, in the long run. DCs are teens now and couldn't give 2 hoots about their GPs on that side.

youareallbonkers Thu 18-Dec-14 13:46:19

No, my point is if they haven't exchanged gifts yet then MIL probably thinks they'll be doing when she gets back. Although I would think getting annoyed with someone for not buying gifts when you haven't bought them anything is a bit grabby

youareallbonkers Thu 18-Dec-14 13:49:53

Also my mother doesn't buy presents, if she sees something she thinks someone will like or is with them when they go to buy something she will get it. So not everyone gets things all the time. Doesn't mean she loves them any less. She adores my grandson but doesn't often buy him presents as she thinks he gets too much. Fortunately I don't confuse presents with love.

ZenNudist Thu 18-Dec-14 14:00:20

I think yabu. If your mil has lots of gc she's probably used to the fact that they really don't need much up when they are under 2. In fact first Christmas ds1 really cared about presents was when he was 3. So up to then it's just gifts for the parents' benefit really.

I can see why you're peeved if you spend on SIL and mil and they don't reciprocate. Next year discuss if they'd prefer not to exchange gifts. In fact have the discussion after Christmas. Perhaps check with them that a delivery didn't go missing with a present for dd!

QuinnTwinny Thu 18-Dec-14 14:12:24

Maybe she wants to give her grandchild her present and see her open it? My son gets some presents later on because relatives enjoy watching the excitement he has when he gets a present. YABU, in my opinion.

NanaNina Thu 18-Dec-14 14:21:33

I think most GMs are closer to their daughters than their sons.....maybe an over generalisation but I just think it's a fact and so they will see more of their daughter's children etc. I think it may be that they feel more comfortable with their daughters than with their DILs - and the old saying "A daughter's a daughter all of her life and a son's a son till he gets him a wife" still has some truth in it.

I don't have an axe to grind here - I am a GM but only have sons - no daughters, but the older I get the more I wish I did have a daughter.

Diamondsareagirls Thu 18-Dec-14 14:46:14

I don't think you sound bad at all, OP. I completely agree with you about her just putting the thought in and getting your DD something to show she cares. Especially as she won't be there for Christmas (hurray for you!)

TheHermitCrab Thu 18-Dec-14 14:47:27

This is the whole reason I hate Christmas. And I think YABU

I haven't got anyone any presents this year (expecting my first child and having big money problems) But I had to get my Grandma something, because, she would suspect everyone got something, and got something better than her. And it really riles me up that I have to, just so she doesn't take it out on other family members and they won't hear the end of it (otherwise I'd just tell her to sod off).

Why expect anything? It seems from your post that you think she favors other Grandchildren, and if she does, then it's unfair, but she does! and Your OH saying something to her really won't change that, will just cause a fuss and make you both seem in the wrong for asking why you don't have a present for DD.

If it really is the thought that counts, and you seem to think she is giving your family less of a thought than others, there's nothing you can really do.

Just care about the people who care about you, and leave others to it. Getting petty over Xmas presents won't make anyone happy.

NanaNina Thu 18-Dec-14 15:03:56

I agree Hermit - I think Christmas causes SO much tension and somehow emotions felt all year tend to get heightened at Christmas. I think the media is to blame for feeding us this notion of happy families, smiling people with tables groaning with food etc. Life's not like that but people think everyone else is having the sort of Christmas like on the TV ads. More people commit suicide than any other time of year and divorce applications go through the roof in January...........Ba humbug!

Sorry OP - just needed a rant......

Try to just be thankful for what you have - I think so many of us stress over trivial stuff and when you look at what's happening in other parts of the world, we should be ashamed really.

Stoneysilence Thu 18-Dec-14 15:09:56

...and this is why I love Mumsnet. You're all so utterly right, particularly the last few posters (anyone who didn't tell me I'm BU wink)

Perhaps we'll get a late gift from MIL for DD, maybe we won't. But in the end what matters more is that we're thankful for what we have.

Roll credits. Anyone want a cuppa?

natwebb79 Thu 18-Dec-14 15:19:34

Oh Nananina as a mother of two DS (3 years and 5 months) that makes me feel a bit sad sad

Aherdofmims Thu 18-Dec-14 15:24:36

11 month old doesn't really need more than a fun present though, as they don't know it's Christmas. I haven't got much for my 10 month old myself for that reason. If anyone were judging they would think I was massively favouring dd (6)!

YABU to think she would get something nice this year, though. Perhaps she will just give the present late? We do that in our family if not seeing the person.

TheHermitCrab Thu 18-Dec-14 15:28:24

Sod em. Even if they do show up with a present, it probably won't make you feel any better about them.

In fact someone I really hate got me and my partner an xmas present this year, it just annoyed me more than they had put me in an awkward position, the bugger! haha

Rainbunny Thu 18-Dec-14 15:50:24

So she may have dropped the ball this year, your child is 2 years old and won't remember this in the slightest. It sounds like you have an underlying grievance that you think your MIL favours another SIL but you don't actually know if she got presents for her other GCs. Stop bean counting. If you really want to make sure your child thinks they got a gift from your MIL just buy one and say it's from her. That will make your child happy, which is the point right? You can tell your MIL that you did this afterwards and she'll either be grateful and feel bad that she forgot or she won't, but you'll have made your point.

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