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Is this abuse? WIBU to have reported it?

(100 Posts)
Smileybutstressed Thu 18-Dec-14 11:56:45

I'm a home care worker and a couple of nights ago I was called out to a clients house due to somebody calling in sick.

I had never been to this clients house before but knew that he was man in his early 90's.

It was an evening call so I was just getting him into his pyjamas and putting him to bed. I managed to get him into bed etc and he held his hand out. I thought maybe he wanted my hand to grip so that he could push himself further up the bed but instead he pulled me towards him and kissed me full on the lips and had a full gripe of my breasts. I pulled back and told him it wasnt appropriate politely but firmly.

I then went out to fetch his cough medicine which he had requested I put on his bedside table. I didn't know whether this was accidental or not but his hand brushed against me 'down below' IYSWIM.

I felt completely violated and very uncomfortable. I informed my manager who told me that he had been warned before about kissing care workers. I was told that he often tries it on with new care workers to see how far he can push it.

None of us get paid enough to put up with this. I feel guilty for reporting it now as he is very elderly. Im there again tonight an completely dreading sad

InanimateCarbonRod Thu 18-Dec-14 11:58:57

How awful.

Ask yourself what you would do if he was 40. Age doesn't excuse this abuse. You can absolutely refuse to go there again.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 18-Dec-14 12:03:00

That is unacceptable, it does not matter if he is elderly or young, you would not tolerate that type of behaviour. He has a form for doing this, he should be warned that if it happens again, the company will no longer provide him with care.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 18-Dec-14 12:03:23

The company are not taking it seriously at all.

Smileybutstressed Thu 18-Dec-14 12:09:45

It sounds as though he has been warned several times already. I don't think he's ever groped anybody before though.

At the end of the day we are there to provide a professional service and to allow him to live in his own home for as long as possible.

My DP was absolutely horrified when I told him and threatened to ring my manager up wouldn't have ended well

OfaFrenchMind Thu 18-Dec-14 12:11:45

Either they should stop offering him care, or, if they have any qualms, send him a male nurse.
You are doing your job, and a very important one for him. You should not have to put up with him, old or not.

nuts2you Thu 18-Dec-14 12:13:43

"I was told that he often tries it on with new care workers to see how far he can push it."

At the VERY least they should have warned you in advance.

Yes at the end of the day you are trying to allow him to live in his own home for as long as possible. But not at the expense of your bodily integrity. Care workers have as much right to be free of abuse at work as anybody else does!

Lottapianos Thu 18-Dec-14 12:14:30

'I felt completely violated and very uncomfortable'

I'm not remotely surprised OP. That's sexual assault, I don't care what age he is. You're quite right that you're not paid nearly enough to put up with any of this, no-one would be.

So he's been warned before about this. I would ask your manager what is actually going to be done about it this time, before you or some other colleague have to put up with yet more sexual assault. And I would use those words too.

You poor thing flowers

Aeroflotgirl Thu 18-Dec-14 12:14:58

Exactly, op if they have warned him, he must have done this before or has a habit of doing it. I would tell the manager again, and refuse to provide him with care.

Itsgoingtoreindeer Thu 18-Dec-14 12:15:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilicat1013 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:20:05

He is using the fact that he seems to be a frail old man to get away with sexually assaulting women. I am glad you reported it. Your company is negligent though for sending you with no prior warning and for continuing to send lone, female worker in to this situation. Are you part of a union?
Personally I would take this complaint higher.
Definitely refuse to go tonight, you don't have to put up with that, no one should have to.

SoonToBeSix Thu 18-Dec-14 12:21:58

It sounds like he has dementia and needs specialist care.

OfaFrenchMind Thu 18-Dec-14 12:24:10

Or he could just be a old asshole. Some people do not change with age.

wanttosqueezeyou Thu 18-Dec-14 12:25:10

Disgusting, my skin is crawling.

I wouldn't go back.

It doesn't sound like your boss is taking it seriously. Sounds like its expected. I'd make your complaint more formal.

misskangaandroo2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:48:00

Refuse to work with that client and ask when the lone working policy was actually reviewed. You're being put at risk by your pretty slack employer.

Smileybutstressed Thu 18-Dec-14 13:06:25

I don't see why myself or any of the lovely, dedicated ladies that I work with should have to put up with that! It's sickening.

It wasnt until a few days later that I really felt violated and physically sick.

I feel as though it has been brushed under the carpet. My stomach is churning at the thought of having to go tonight.

The reason for not sending male carers is due to the fact that his wife lives in the same house (she also needs care).

As for the dementure comment, he definitely doesn't have that!! He's is very much aware of what he's doing!

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 18-Dec-14 13:10:33

That's disgraceful, you shouldnt have been subjected to that OP.
Your company are in the wrong as they've been informed of this man previously but have put nothing in place to protect you and other staff. At the very least there should be 2 carers present at all time, they should also send a manager or even a Police officer to speak to him.

Smileybutstressed Thu 18-Dec-14 13:13:23

A fore warning would've been good- just so I knew what to expect.

The more I think about it the madder I'm getting!! Who the hell does he think he is!? And why the hell does he think that he has the right to kiss, grope etc somebody who has been placed there to provide care in his best interests!!

Quitelikely Thu 18-Dec-14 13:15:42

If he does it again tell him he has committed a sexual criminal offence and you are seriously considering reporting him to the police.

If he's got all his faculties about him there is no excuse for it.

43percentburnt Thu 18-Dec-14 13:15:56

Can you report this to the police? He has committed a criminal offence. Sounds like it is not the first time. I suggest you put it on an email to the care company just so they have a record in writing.

It's completely out of order. Do you work for an independent care company? One that only pays whilst you are in the house. I have heard awful reports on private care companies, care of staff is very low on their agenda.

Are you okay op?

RonaldMcFartNuggets Thu 18-Dec-14 13:17:16

Jesus Christ, 90 years old! Some men never out-perv do they. Yanbu op

Smileybutstressed Thu 18-Dec-14 13:21:24

Not really 43percent I made it clear that I didn't want to go back there. They 'accommodated' my request by dropping visits from 5 nights per week to 1 night per week.

I am seriously considering calling in sick which I have never done before IN MY LIFE so that I don't have to go there sad

Smileybutstressed Thu 18-Dec-14 13:23:07

And yes - I only get paid or the time spent in the house. I get a pittance for petrol which barely covers it.

Namechangeyetagaintohide Thu 18-Dec-14 13:26:03

You should report it to the police. It is assault. No one has to put up with that. Ever. At work or not.

You company are failing you. At the very least they should be sending 2 carers.

Gawjushun Thu 18-Dec-14 13:29:49

They should not be sending women alone to deal with this man. Yes, dementia can cause people to act inappropriately, and care workers can get groped, but the agency should have kept their employees safe by sending in a male carer or pairing you off. Or just refusing to send their staff to this filthy old man. They have put profits before your safety, and I feel so angry on your behalf!

Being 90 doesn't mean you don't have control of your actions. 90 year olds can be just as cunning and devious as people of any age. Don't let him get away with playing the helpless old man card. Let the police deal with this matter.

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