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so sad over lost friendship, just want to get over it

(31 Posts)
jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 11:29:06

I've known 2 friends for 10 years, we met at antenatal group and our friendship continued when dcs started school. But for the last 3 years I've been aware that both of them and another mum from school have gotten close, have dinner parties, weekends away etc and I've never been invited to any of these, I see it all on fb. So, for the last 2 months I haven't been turning up to our weekly coffee mornings. I've not had a text or phonecall about this which means that they really don't care and are happy to continue their lives without me. I see them occasionally on the school run, quick 'hi, you ok?' and that's it. I'm hurt but these things happen. I'm not going back on this decision, it's been messing with my head and making me insecure for a long time. But I just can't stop crying about it, It's like I'm in mourning. Part of me thinks they are really not worth it but part of me is so sad. How long will these feelings last? Why are some women so cruel and why has it taken me so long to realise that they really weren't that interested in me?

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 11:31:17

Just wanted to add that in the scheme of things, this is not important, but it's taken me by surprise how upset I am

gamerchick Thu 18-Dec-14 11:35:52

Well it is a firm of grief anyway isn't it when you know a part of your life has ended for sure.

Give yourself time to heal.. keep your head up and delete them both from Facebook so it doesn't rub salt in the wound.

Fallingovercliffs Thu 18-Dec-14 11:37:52

I used to be very friendly with a group at work. At the time I was the only one who wasn't married with small children. One year they all planned a holiday together and never mentioned it to me. Obviously I wouldn't have gone away with three other couples and their small children, but it was the way it was kept secret from me that really hurt.
A couple of years later two of the couples went away and left the third couple out, pretending they'd co-incidentally just booked the same place for the same fortnight. It was all very rude and childish.

YANBU to be upset, but these things happen and some people just don't seem to realise how hurtful their behaviour can be.

FreudiansSlipper Thu 18-Dec-14 11:37:58

I would feel sad too

the loss of any relationship or something that is meaningful in our lives can feel like we are grieving as we are working through the loss

understandable you are hurt by their actions who wouldn't be, it is not a very nice way behave towards others. you will feel better in time and may see things different but for now do not be too hard on yourself for feeling sad

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 11:42:10

Thanks for your comments, they're making me feel a bit better even though I'm crying! I'm in my forties and never experienced this before so part of me thinks that maybe it's a midlife crisis thing. But it can't be, I've just been left out of stuff so much and so obviously that I also feel like a mug, I should have walked out ages ago

formerbabe Thu 18-Dec-14 11:49:14

One year they all planned a holiday together and never mentioned it to me. Obviously I wouldn't have gone away with three other couples and their small children, but it was the way it was kept secret from me that really hurt

Same happened with me but the other way round! All my friends were either single/couples with no children...we were the only couple with a child. They all went for a week away...I was very hurt as they werent having a piss-up holiday, they were staying in a cottage in the country which we could have easily joined in with.

upthewolves Thu 18-Dec-14 11:50:56

Hi OP. I lost a close friendship a year ago in similar circumstances really. We were very close and she suddenly made new friends and began cancelling on me week after week with various excuses and posting pictures of fun stuff with her new friends on Fb etc. I was incredibly hurt and took it very personally and I completely understand how you are now feeling. As time went on, I was able to see how mean her behaviour was and I stopped asking myself what I did wrong. Once I did, I made new friends. Its now been a full year and I've gradually gone from crying about it every day to barely thinking about her at all. Its amazing how people can hurt us, often completely by surprise. I've stopped feeling angry and realised that all relationships have the potential to break down. Remember she will tell herself a different story to you - she will tell herself that you didnt contact her, so you didnt want to see them anymore. Can you see that from her perspective? I sympathise though, it is very hard flowers

monkeytroubles Thu 18-Dec-14 11:51:31

I think that feeling left out or isolated always hurts whether you're 14 or 40. Groups of women can be so cliquey and juvenille in the way they conduct themselves sometimes, it makes you feel like your back at school. I think it's perfectly fine to feel hurt and upset but don't let it play on your mind so much that it stops you enjoying the people and things in your life that really matter. Sometimes if I'm really upset about something I'll decide that I'm going to give myself permission to feel really fed up and sorry for myself for X amount of time..could be an hour could be a day depending on what it is. Then when that time is up I find something positive to distract me and throw myself into it. It sounds daft but it works.

Hope you feel better soon. flowers

wanttosqueezeyou Thu 18-Dec-14 11:58:45

I'd be really upset too.

I think its insensitive and thoughtless of them to use fb in this way.

I hope you find some new, nice friends. I made an amazing new friend a year ago. I think this only happens once in a blue moon. It made me realise how some of those people that you just come across during the baby years, aren't that great. Ok people but not real good mates.

youareallbonkers Thu 18-Dec-14 12:00:05

So you have been standing them up at coffee mornings and are upset THEY haven't been asking where you are?

Your friends are allowed to have other friends, and they can go on holiday etc and don't need to tell you.

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:01:01

Thank you, you guys are great but every time I read a new comment I started sobbing....I suppose it's good to just let it all out and good to realise that how I'm feeling is normal. monkey I like your tip about allowing myself to feel miserable for a while and then just stopping, I'll try that, but for now I think I need to let it all out. You lot are stars x

Fallingovercliffs Thu 18-Dec-14 12:02:07

I think the fact that it's Christmas could be exacerbating your sadness over this. It's a funny time of year, where any unhappiness can feel much more painful than normal and we become very nostalgic for times past.

I would make a New Year's resolution to build up other friendships and move on from this group, who have upset you so much.

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:04:25

wanttosqueezeyou, totally agree with you about the friendships made during the baby years. But I would have loved to have a lifelong bond with mums I used to hang out with when my dcs were young. Not going to happenthough and it probably never was, I should have spotted the signs earlier

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:06:10

Yes fallingover, it's a funny time of the year and I'm probably more emotional than normal. Definitely moving on from this group and I hope I'm over it by the new year

RojaGato Thu 18-Dec-14 12:10:50

Not surprised you are upset. I had two friends at school- we hung about for a couple of years in a three, then they gradually became a was a bit mean they way they did it.

I just moved to to seeing other friends, and didn't regret it as being part of a bigger group was more fun.

Now I do understand why the phrase "two's company, three's a crowd" was invented and wish I had understood it better earlier.

So in short, let yourself grieve and don't repress the emotions (it will just get worse), take a bit of time and then move on with your life.

IME people like that end up falling out with one another in time too, friendship groups that are really working get bigger not smaller.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 18-Dec-14 12:11:33

I can understand you are sad op, no they are not worth it, its obvious they do not want to be friends with you anymore and are pushing you out of the group by not contacting you or inviting you out with them.

SallyMcgally Thu 18-Dec-14 12:11:50

They sound really horrible and insensitive jingle. I'm really sorry - it's so hurtful. I know how you feel - you really do just want to curl up and cry. But it does get better again, and you will find other friends, who will actually behave like functional, mature human beings xxx

Fallingovercliffs Thu 18-Dec-14 12:17:53

Also I agree with Roja. Friendship groups which start to push members out are usually groups that completely fall apart in the end. Often because of one member in the group who just isolates people one by one. They're really dysfunctional groups to start with and not worth despairing over. I think most people have been involved with a few people like that at some stage, and realised after the initial hurt that they're better off out of it and spending time with genuine friends.

KlepTheHallsWithBoughsOfTronic Thu 18-Dec-14 12:24:19

I know how you feel, OP. I had a supposed friend who never wanted to actually spend any time with me. Was forever seeing her going out from work to lunch with this one, round the shops with that one, but never me.

I realised that she simply wasn't that interested in me as a person, and that's ok. It's not a value judgement on me, and it's ok for her to enjoy the company of others more than mine, just as I have preferences for certain people over others. So I don't eat my heart out over it now, we're acquaintances rather than friends, and that's the way it goes.

You can't take everyone with you, and sadly, it's usually the ones you really like that have to go their own way! smile

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:36:12

So glad I posted this morning....still upset and can't stop crying but I do feel better about it thanks to all your comments. Yes, I'm better off out of it, just wished I'd listened to my instincts a few years ago, it would have saved me from a lot of pain, but anyway, it had to be this way and that's it. You're all being wonderful btw x

AlmaMartyr Thu 18-Dec-14 12:43:26

So sorry Jingle. I've lost some friends this year and it is a horrible feeling. I did feel like I was grieving. Once I recognised that it was OK to feel upset - it was like the breakdown of a relationship - I started to heal a bit. A few months on and it's still a struggle but gets easier all the time. I'm much better off without those people in ny life (I'm sure they're better off without me as well), have made some fantastic new friends and now I just wish I'd read the signs properly a couple of years ago.

flowers for you.

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:49:59

thanks Alma x

catlover97 Thu 18-Dec-14 13:02:09

I had the same experience except it was work colleagues. We all used to hang out (same team) which was good fun but it went sour when one of them (our manager) went on maternity leave.
During her leave I tried contacting her several times including to give her old baby stuff (which she wanted) but she was very off with me.
We all moved roles while she was off so when she came back we had to make more of an effort to get together. Except I started to realise after a while the other 3 were meeting and not bothering to include me. It was embarrassing as lots of people had known us as a foursome so asked when I was meeting them etc.
The final straw about a year later was when one of the others who was on maternity leave brought her baby in the office, didn't bother to tell me she was coming and I found out whilst in the loo when I heard her and one of the others come in the bathroom! I was mortified, and hid there for an hour sad
After that I removed them off facebook,generally hid whenever I saw one of them...I moved jobs earlier this year and have made a vow to never get into that situation again. I still don't know what I did.

Sorry for the long post, but just empathising with your pain, it's horrible.
Take care of yourself flowers

jinglealltheway2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 13:28:11

cat, you probably didn't do anything wrong, same as me, I don't think I've done anything wrong. It's just the way people are and that's it. Sorry to hear about the loo incident! Thanks for understanding x

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