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Aibu re baby announcement at Christmas/sensitive subject

(36 Posts)
Monkeysee100 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:19:35

My brother in law has confided in my husband that his girlfriend is pregnant. BIL at wits end as this is unplanned (at least from his point of view) and they have have had a difficult inheritable condition confirmed in older son and a 50% chance of the same happening again.

We have been through something similar, want another child but are very carefully weighing up options and having tests due to the potential problem and impact on close and wider family who help with child care because we feel it's not just a case of what we desire.

I think BIL is blind to her and foolish. She has been selfish, devious and irresponsible. She got pregnant "accidentally" with first when their relationship was rocky (BIL was constantly on dating sites and was on the verge of leaving her even while pregnant), said she would have another child before she turned a certain age ignoring BIL's wishes (regarding the medical condition/advice) and dumps first child on family and did so practically from birth.
Bit of backstory, that is nothing to do with me- except that we get constant texts and phone calls asking for help and advice when shit hits the fan for example BIL already questioning accidental nature of both. I feel he is equally irresponsible in this. Takes two etc.

What is to do with me is that we are meant to go to a small family special occasion they will host where it will be announced. Most family members already know but are not supposed to say. I find it hard when strangers announce new babies and that's my issue. But I don't feel I should be held hostage and have it forced down my throat when they know it's a sensitive issue for us. So iabu to ask DH to ask they consider our feelings?

ReputableBiscuit Thu 18-Dec-14 07:23:15

just don't go? Or do go and play dumb? It sounds like you're over-involved. Try to take a mental step backwards and just make smalltalk on the day.

Monkeysee100 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:25:34

Have to go.
I am very emotional at the moment- again my issue- and we will be there hours

Iggi999 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:26:34

Just don't go to the event. This all sounds very complicated but your dislike for the woman seems clear - no condemnation for someone happy to leave a pregnant woman, or looking for other options while in a relationship!
You are making more careful choices, and you're annoyed by someone throwing caution to the wind. It is hard to accept when people do things differently to you. Your bil needs to stop disrespecting his partner to you, "questioning" pgs etc. if he has concerns about that he should use condoms. He sounds like he's getting sympathy for when he is ready to leave.

DandyHighwayman Thu 18-Dec-14 07:27:20

I wouldn't go to the announcement party

DandyHighwayman Thu 18-Dec-14 07:28:37

You truly don't have to go

No one will die if you don't

MinceSpy Thu 18-Dec-14 07:33:14

Monkey I understand your predicament and discomfort. You and your DH have made different choices to them. DH needs to explain to BIL that you both can't cope with constantly supporting him. You are correct when you point out that BIL created this pregnancy too. As the condition seems to be on his side of the family he can make choices .

Monkeysee100 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:34:38

Actually DH persuaded BIL not to leave. I come from a broken home not fun at all but equally I know how crap it is to live with parents who resent each other.

May cry off but risk offending other family members.

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:35:13

I think you should develop a "tummy bug" on the day so that you don't have to go. I've experienced similar feelings to your own with regard to a SIL/BIL without the genetics problems thrown in so I can only imagine how hard you are finding this.
On the other hand, as another poster has said you need to try and step back a bit emotionally (I know easier said than done) as no good will come of you worrying about it.

Monkeysee100 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:36:20

They are different conditions (sorry didn't make clear).

I'm just worried I'll get really emotional

lunar1 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:36:54

This is exactly the situation that a 24hr d&v bug was invented for.

Monkeysee100 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:37:28

Tummy bug plan a possibility.

I came for tough love and got support. Thank you.

ApocalypseThen Thu 18-Dec-14 07:41:17

I don't mean to be harsh, but you don't appear to have investigated the option of minding your own business as thoroughly as you might. OK, you hate this woman and believe all the stuff your brother in law says about her deceitful, baby grabbing ways and how he's an innocent pawn in her desperate machinations. But in reality, it's nothing to do with you. You can shrug this off if you want to. You aren't obliged to support your brother in law in his attempts to ensure that everyone knows she got her just deserts when he does leave.

Monkeysee100 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:58:08

If I could "shrug it off" I would. And after supporting my DH dealing with constant phone calls and texts about this, it's a bit hard to mind "mind my business"

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 18-Dec-14 08:04:44

I agree Monkeysee it's very hard to "mind your own business" when you are constantly being dragged in to it and being asked to take care of your DN etc

MinceSpy Thu 18-Dec-14 08:05:39

DH needs to explain to BIL the effect this is having you both and that he can't keep burdening DH. If BIL leaves that's his choice

Infinity8 Thu 18-Dec-14 08:15:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop Thu 18-Dec-14 08:23:36

You sound rather overly invested and you certainly don't 'have to go' anywhere!! There's a myriad of illness going around at the moment which you certainly wouldn't want to pass on to your pregnant sil wink

And a "DH you know my feelings on this.... I have no advice re these texts from Bil etc"

FloozeyLoozey Thu 18-Dec-14 08:28:55

If he didn't want more kids, why didn't he just get the snip?

cansu Thu 18-Dec-14 08:40:40

I really think you need to stop talking about the texts et c with your dh. I think that whilst you dislike her and are conflicted due to your own desire for another child, you need to try and park this somewhere and simply say congratulations. If the family feel as you do then there will probably be a collective desire to move the family onto other topics after the congratulations. The other options are to not go or to perhaps arrive late due to some family emergency, bad headache that has cleared up or whatever. Your dh could text you after the announcement or something. But given that you are going to have tod eal with it eventually I would probably opt to get it over with.

Iggi999 Thu 18-Dec-14 08:44:35

Ok so your dh is over involved in it all and he is pulling you in to. It is possible to have relationship problems without playing out the whole drama with friends or relatives in texts etc. Either your dh needs to ask him to stop bothering him so much (is it two way, does your dh get to share his problems too?) or you need to make the buck stop at your dh, and tell him to stop passing it all on to you.
I sense you aren't feeling very at peace with your own decision re another child. Do you need to revisit this/talk it through with a counsellor perhaps?

ApocalypseThen Thu 18-Dec-14 08:46:29

If I could "shrug it off" I would. And after supporting my DH dealing with constant phone calls and texts about this, it's a bit hard to mind "mind my business"

Neither you nor your husband are obliged to support your brother in law though. Your husband can continue to if he likes, but you can say that you want to hear no more of his domestic situation and you have nothing further to say on that subject if you want. Sometimes it's a relief to know that you can actually step back and refuse to deal with the problems others decide to make for themselves.

brererabbit Thu 18-Dec-14 09:06:36

I may be being a bit ignorant here but I don't really understand at all how it's a sensitive subject.

You said they are different conditions. Your situations are very different. You are getting one side of it from bil, You have the option to keep well out of it. It's a baby announcement for crying out loud. Either give some support to them or don't. Your choice. But regardless of how, they have made this choice (yes it takes two, I assume there were no condoms) and that is their choice to have a child. You are over thinking massively.
Without sounding excessively rude, are you suffering with anxiety or pms? or just overly investing. Either way try to calm down and detach yourself. This is their life

GritStrength Thu 18-Dec-14 09:20:19

There are two issues here. First in terms of the announcement I think you need to suck it up. Psych yourself up, prepare your happy face, say "congratulations" when it is announced regardless of what you actually think and cry in the toilets afterwards. At least you know it is coming you can prepare yourself rather than having it sprung on you which I think you'd probably find more upsetting.

Second if you think you're being leaned on too heavily by BIL then DH needs to make really clear up front that you will be reigning in the support you are able to offer and will not be able to up it to accomodate a further child.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 18-Dec-14 09:59:29

I agree with others that you need to take a step back. You don't need to support BIL and GF (and neither does your DH). It takes two to make a baby and BIL should have been using protection if he didn't want another child. He can also leave his GF should he wish to, it is his choice to stay in a relationship with her and get jiggy in the bedroom blush

If your DH wants to remain involved, getting lots of phone calls and texts, then that's up to him, but tell him you don't want to hear about it. It seems like there's a bit of the drama of their relationship that keeps you both involved in the detail.

Either go to the event, smile and drink wine when you get home or bunk off sick. The world won't stop if you don't go and it'll soon be old news that you weren't there.

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