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To not think someone doing jobs that make my daily life more didficult isnt actually helping?

(17 Posts)
CalleighDoodle Wed 17-Dec-14 23:41:55

My ex-husband isnt having the children overnight during dec as '
december is a busy month'. He does, however, come to my house once or twice a week from 6pm to help with bedtime routine. This ALWAYS ends (and middles) with my boy screaming for me and ex-H upsetting ds by being cross. So i have to calm boy and so it takes twice as long. Anyway, to the point of the thread, when ex is at my house he does jobs that i am perfecky capable of doing myself when dcs are asleep. Like empty and reload the dishwasher, hoover, mess with my washing, wipe down surfaces of kitchen (he thinks this is cleaning the kitchen). He will then announce hes done this for me like he wants a medal. Anyway, he ALWAYS loads the dishwasher in sych a way he wastes loadsnof space and pans flat at the bottom so top shelf items dont et properly cleaned. Or items wont be in straight so cups and bowls collect the water. I end up having to unload and then reload, so twice the work.

Tonight before he came i had washing to go in the dryer butwas waiting for my second load to finiah but knowing he would interfere i put it in the sryer out of sight. Once id come down, at 9pm!!!, from re-settling my boy i noticed the washer was empty and asked where my washing was. He put it in the dryer for me. EVERYTHING from the dark wash!!!! Dd's school uniform (pleated skirts), 4 pairs of (now very small) wool mix tights, two wool jumpers included. He refused to half me for school uniform too.

My mum always says i should be grateful he tries to help. But doing it wrong, and then being so pigheaded refusing to listen and doing the same repeatedly, is not helping. To me hes doing these things so he can say hes helping, but doing them badly to puss me off but i cant be pissed off as hes trying to help. I just want him to stop interfering with my house. But if i said he couldn't come in he wouldnt see the children for a month.

CalleighDoodle Wed 17-Dec-14 23:43:32

Apologies for many typos.

ghostyslovesheep Wed 17-Dec-14 23:45:59

'busy' ???? just take them to his and drop them on the doorstep

I sympathise - when ex left me he actually said he didn't know what to with them and therefore he had to come to the house and hang around irritating me ...I told him to take them to the park ...I also went out when he came round

He now has them Tuesday/Thursday/Sat night - it worked being a bit tough

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 17-Dec-14 23:46:15


Tell him that he's there to see his kids, not do your housework. Weirdo.

CupidStuntSurvivor Wed 17-Dec-14 23:50:26

Him doing your housework is a bit bloody intrusive...I certainly wouldn't allow it!

CalleighDoodle Wed 17-Dec-14 23:53:57

Lol i did and do, happy! Glad its not just me that thinks its weird and annoying.

Ghost he has taken on overtime for work (from home) every friday evening and sat morning so says he cant have them on a fri and 'has plans' every Saturday. On the plus side its given me an excuse not to attend my work's do as ive no sitter.

CalleighDoodle Wed 17-Dec-14 23:55:27

Im glad youve said that cupid. I thought i might be weird and controlling about how things are done.

misskangaandroo2014 Thu 18-Dec-14 00:21:22

Definitely no to the housework weirdness. In fact, my ex has been for dinner / coffee / board games with DD's in my house. But that's it. He's not a member of the household and doesn't try to act like one (thank god).

Simile Thu 18-Dec-14 00:36:58

This routine isn't working for you or your DS. It seems like your exH still believes he has a claim on how you run your house. He is interfering. Can he not pick DS up and take him out for tea instead of coming into the house and messing with your things? That way he picks up from the doorstep and doesn't get a chance to mess your things up.

You need to set some firm boundaries. If you still want him in he house, make him leave when DS gets upset, don't give him the chance to mess around.

"My mum always says i should be grateful he tries to help." Why should you have to be grateful for something that is causing you time, money and added stress? It would be interesting to see his reaction when you tell him to stop. It he ignores you then this is not about being helpful but rather a powerplay on his part.

The reason I said that is because he is refusing to have them over Christmas and he is refusing to pay a contribution to the damage he caused to the school uniform.

Inertia Thu 18-Dec-14 06:52:04

Don't have him in your home. He isn't trying to help , he is marking territory and showing you who's boss.

MaryWestmacott Thu 18-Dec-14 07:05:25

Agree with others, send him a message today, after last night you have come to the conclusion him having access at your house is too disruptive for you and for ds so it stops. If he wants to see the dcs it's outside your home. His childcare needs are his issue.

Repeat, no, I don't want you in my home. It doesn't work for me or ds. I'm not stopping you seeing your dc, you just have to do it elsewhere.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 18-Dec-14 07:05:39

I personally would not have an ex in my home like that.

If he wants to see his kids, then he has them at his. End of.

MellowAutumn Thu 18-Dec-14 07:21:00

Ditto - to really clean him from your life you need to sweep him from your house smile

FishWithABicycle Thu 18-Dec-14 08:50:43

It's weird and controlling. This is NOT HIS HOUSE. Really he should take the kids out of the house, he shouldn't be there at all. But if you are kind enough to let him use your house he needs to have more respect for you.

Spell it out very clearly for him "if you don't start respecting the fact that this isn't your home I will no longer allow you in the house. You are here to see your children. Please do not touch my laundry or kitchen stuff - if I need help around the house I'll employ someone, it is none of your business and imposing yourself on me like this is utterly inappropriate."

Jodie1982 Thu 18-Dec-14 09:03:37

My EX use to interfere like this, he found it hard letting me go. In the end I had to set up clear boundaries, no more visiting at home etc. when he would visit at my home it was like we wasn't split up properly iyswim? He didn't like it, but in order for me to move on I had to completely remove him from my home. It was easier for me to move on then and settle into a new life of being a single mum. So he had to take children out to eat, park or whatever. Have you n ur ex only recently split up?

TheCowThatLaughs Thu 18-Dec-14 09:11:44

He's not trying to help! He's trying to piss you off and control you, very successfully. Don't let him in your house anymore. If he can't be arsed to see his kids that's his problem. Don't let him make you feel like you're responsible for his actions.

CalleighDoodle Thu 18-Dec-14 19:31:47

Hello again. He asked for a divorce 14 months ago. I had to throw him out in june as he didn't appear to be in any hurry to leave. Thanks for all your words of wisdom x I thought i was being U because i was complaining about him being 'helpful' but glad it is not just me who thinks its not at all and its about interfering.

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