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To feel sad that after everything that's happened I am just a shit parent

(67 Posts)
CountryMummy1 Wed 17-Dec-14 19:47:00

I lost it with my almost 3yo today. I mean really lost it. Screamed at her at the top of my voice whilst driving. She didn't even cry she was so shocked, she just whimpered and looked so so sad.

I reached breaking point today. After a particularly awful nursery drop off where my DD howled and screamed and clung to me, begging me not to leave her, it was not a good start to the day.

Then my 10 month old was whingy all morning with his teeth, the house is a tip, I have so much to do before Christmas and everything has just got on top of me.

I don't exist anymore. I am just mummy. I am not the high flying academic anymore. I spend my day cleaning and tidying and mopping up sick. I have no life of my own, everything revolves around the children and I get no thanks for it at all.

All those years we tried to have children but couldn't and the tears we shed over all our lost babies. Why aren't I happy? I have everything I wanted. However, in return I also got to be fat, unhealthy, have no interests or time away from the children, I drink too much.

I have done everything all the baby books and parenting sites said to make your child happy and confident and it's got me nowhere. All the groups and classes I've taken them to and I now have a DD with speech delay who's behind her peers and is looking to never settle at nursery. Where did I go so wrong?

EEVEElution Wed 17-Dec-14 19:52:23

cakebrew

Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing a good job actually, we all lose our temper sometimes, parenthood is very overwhelming as I've found out myself, have even started my own thread or too which sounds very similar to yours and I have just the one so far!

plantsitter Wed 17-Dec-14 19:53:18

Hi CountryMummy

It is so, so, hard with 2 little ones. You are NOT a shit parent. Lots of little kids find settling at nursery difficult, especially when they have a baby sibling. As for speech delay, I'm quite sure that's not your fault and she's pretty young to be 'delayed' anyway (not a professional tho).

Is this how you're feeling today or In general? If just today, watch a funny film and have a cup of tea and be kind to yourself - tomorrow can be completely different. If it's in general go and see the doctor and get some anti-depressants. It's amazing how much easier everything seems when you feel better and as a result you're nicer to the kids and so they are easier and so on in a benign spiral.

I have been where you are. It's tough; you're not shit, you're doing a v v v difficult job.

ApocalypseThen Wed 17-Dec-14 19:53:31

You haven't gone wrong. You've had an awful day so everything looks worse than it is. It sounds like you have had a lot of success that brings external rewards and esteem in your life and you're missing that a bit. It also sounds like you have set yourself incredibly high standards and are punishing yourself because you think you haven't met them.

What would happen if you woke up tomorrow with a strong resolve to be kinder to yourself?

EEVEElution Wed 17-Dec-14 19:54:10

Two not too blush

Were you working before the DCs arrived and have you gone back if so? Maybe you need to address the balance a little. It definitely doesn't make you a bad parent for needing a break now and then.

Greengrow Wed 17-Dec-14 19:54:12

Why aren't you at work? I went back full time when the babies were 2 weeks. It's brilliant. You have the best of all worlds just like men and the children do better for it. That's your answer and new year resolution - back to full time work.

Get your husband to interview nannies as soon as possible.

kilmuir Wed 17-Dec-14 19:55:52

Deep breathe.
You are not a bad parent. You realise it was not your best moment.
Children can be challenging, no matter how longed for they were!
New day tomorrow. Small steps, maybe write a list of several things you can achieve.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 17-Dec-14 19:56:15

Speech delay is not your fault.

Unless I am shittest parent on earth with 8 year old who can't speak smile

Don't beat yourself up about that issue

listed Wed 17-Dec-14 19:56:28

Step away from the books, the groups and the theories!!

Halve your weekly activities. Spend some time doing nothing.

Get a cleaner.

Everyone feels like you sometimes. It's normal. Go to bed early, tomorrow is a new day thanks

littlesupersparks Wed 17-Dec-14 19:56:50

It's bloody hard when they are little. You are touched out and stressed. You ARE only mummy a lot of the time. Days like that I do the absolute minimum - cuddle/nurse the baby and eat biscuits. Stick the tv on for the 3yo. It's bloody exhausting at this time of year too. In a year's time they will both be so much more independent. In 4 years time they'll both be in school. In 10 years time (hard to believe) you might even miss that clingy baby!

TheMuppetsSingChristmas Wed 17-Dec-14 19:57:03

You know, the long and short of it is that sometimes shit just happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, really don't, just pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start again tomorrow. Parenting is fucking exhausting in a mental and emotional way, not just physical. So forgive yourself - you didn't do anything to cause this, and you didn't do anything to 'deserve' it either. We've all cracked, all of us. You just gotta keep on trucking fsmile

Hassled Wed 17-Dec-14 19:57:05

You didn't go wrong. These early years are the stuff of nightmares - please believe me (and bear in mind two of my DCs are adults now) when I say it gets better. It really does. I've been a parent for a hell of a long time and the worst times were the baby + preschooler years.

What I think you need most is some time to yourself. Make that your priority - you need to be selfish about it, because really it's not selfish at all; it will make the whole family happier. Do whatever it takes - call in favours, demand favours, throw whatever money you have at it - but get that afternoon to yourself.

listed Wed 17-Dec-14 19:57:18

Ignore Greengrow, she has her own problems agenda

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 17-Dec-14 19:57:59

Almost 3 year olds are expert at pushing our buttons. Eventually they will succeed sometimes, such is their determination smile

CountryMummy1 Wed 17-Dec-14 19:58:24

I can't go back to work. I took a career break to look after my younger sister when she had cancer and whilst we had fertility treatment, then I was such an anxious mother there was no way I could leave my children with anyone else. I think that's why I am finding the nursery thing so hard, I can't handle the guilt I feel.

TheBogQueen Wed 17-Dec-14 20:00:06

Woah

Really stop right there.

What you are experiencing is life with two small children. It has significant challenges.

This is a testing age but underneath your three year olds behaviour is a lovely little person who loves you more than anything else in the world. Try to remember that she just wants to be your friend.

What would improve your life? How much time do you get to pursue your own interests? You need to carve out time for yourself. I used to go running.

Could yu go back to work? Would that help?

Remember you only need to be good enough and it really doesn't matter if you are not the sort of parent that you thought you would be.

Waltonswatcher Wed 17-Dec-14 20:00:43

Greengrow
You obviously mean your children are better for it, not all kids! I'm glad you're happy and your kids are too .

Op...we all have rough days, weeks,months . It's hard in the winter when so often the children are poorly . It does sound like you may be more settled mixing work and childcare . Being a sahp isn't easy,but neither is juggling both I imagine . I hope tomorrow is a happier day . We've all been there.

kilmuir Wed 17-Dec-14 20:01:07

What do nursery staff say? Does she soon settle, enjoy herself once she has calmed down

Fairylea Wed 17-Dec-14 20:01:20

I have no idea if this will make you feel better but I feel exactly the same. I have no desire to return to work either, I hate that as well and had a high flying career previously. I just count down the days until ds starts school and then I know things will be easier. (Youngest is 2.5 but I also have a 12 year old so I am at least lucky in that perspective is a wonderful thing and I know toddlers aren't toddlers forever).

Have a hug and a mug brewflowers

listed Wed 17-Dec-14 20:02:23

Can you speak to the GP about your anxiety?

You don't have to live with huge levels of anxiety. Something can be done if it is a problem.

PurplePidjingThroughTheSnow Wed 17-Dec-14 20:03:03

Wanting desperately to have children doesn't make the little blighters any easier to deal with once they're actually here!

Throw the books away. They were written about children you'll never meet, and just like every other book on the market the point of them is to make money for the publishing company. Read the book your children are writing you - their behaviour will give you clues to what they need, communication is only made up of 7% words with the rest being tone of voice and body language.

Do you think you might have post-natal depression? Worth a chat with your GP to rule it out, or to get some medication to sort it out if you do have it.

Not everyone is cut out to be a full time SAHM. I'm Mrs Earth-Mother-Hippy at home all day baking with my toddler. I would go insane without my evening job and went back to work at 6 weeks leaving EBF, bottle-refusing ds in the care of dp and my Mum. Yes, it took both of them they quickly learned that the best way to calm him was stick him in the sling and walk, he would be asleep by the time they got to the pub so they went for a beer can you pick up maybe a day or two a week of something that gets you out of the house?

It's hard. It's very hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. And you're not the only one.

formerbabe Wed 17-Dec-14 20:03:25

Why do you feel guilty about nursery op? It gives you a much needed break and time with your youngest child plus the child at nursery gets to socialise and do activities that are hard to do at home when you have a house and baby to look after. I'm a sahm and have had both mine at nursery...it was good for all of us. Drop her off at nursery with a big smile on your face even if you don't feel like it!

We all have crap days..my house is also a tip by the way!!

CountryMummy1 Wed 17-Dec-14 20:03:37

I just wanted to be the best parent I could be, give my children a really good life. I hated school as I was so timid and I have done my best to help my little one's confidence but I guess nature always wins over nurture.

Panicmode1 Wed 17-Dec-14 20:04:40

Be kind to yourself - you have two very small children, you are doing your best, and even the best parents in the universe get things wrong sometimes...I had 3 under 3 (for a week anyway wink and that was SO hard - they are very demanding, and if you are used to your life being ordered and being in control of it, toddlers/babies are very good at creating chaos and making you feel like a terrible parent.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure will be a better one.

(Re Greengrow's advice - I have four children and worked FT, PT and now don't work (but do a lot of voluntary work). Do what is right for YOU - yes, working may be a solution for you, but for me, I just found it added to my stress and no amount of money compensated for my children crying because the nanny was picking them up again, that I was missing plays/sports days etc)

animalsunited Wed 17-Dec-14 20:05:27

I found three the most difficult age with my older two. They're in school now and muchmore reasonable. But I have dc3 whois 8 months so have to tackle threenager all over again.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It will get easier, you will get time to do things for you again.

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