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AIBU or is DH being incredibly selfish and unhelpful

(14 Posts)
offtoseethewizard64 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:36:09

I am a SAHM/Carer and have been for 14 yrs. As a result of this, I have always done all the housework, shopping, cooking, finances, admin and general running around after everyone.
DD has been very poorly for the last 2 weeks which means that I have rarely been out of the house. She has needed 24/7 care so I have had little sleep as she requires a treatment regime to try and get her well. Consequently, lots of other jobs have slipped and I have had little help from DH with any of these tasks. Have had to ask him to do specific things such as drop off DDs repeat prescription and then specifically ask him to go and pick the medicines up on another day. He knows I am not in a position to do this, nor do i have anyone else to ask. I had a bit of a go last week about him not offering to do anything to help me out or asking if there was anything I needed him to get whilst he was out in the day. His response was that if I want something, I should just ask! At the weekend, I found him doing stuff on his laptop (has form for spending too much time on Facebook/Twitter) but he claimed it was stuff to do with him voluntary work. I said that the house hadn't been hoovered all week and perhaps he could do that (I hadn't been able to as need to be able to hear DD at all times). He did it, then went back to his computer.

It has all come to a head again this morning as once again I am stuck at home all day looking after DD. He had booked half a day off to do something to do with his voluntary position, but the thing was not going ahead so he announced he would be at work all day. And, he would be late home as he was going to the gym as he usually does on a Monday. There was a pile of Christmas cards on the side, all stamped and addressed which he can't have missed so as he's about to walk out, I make a comment about posting the cards (he passes the post box on his way out of our village) There were also some cheques that need paying in, so I asked him if he could pop to the bank at lunchtime. He said no as he didn't have time. Now I know he gets a lunchbreak, which he takes and I know his diary isn't full, as he was supposed to only be doing a half day today so I was not pleased and told him so, but he just walked out.

I am fuming at how unhelpful and unsupportive he is being , probably fuelled by my lack of sleep, stress of DD being ill and everything relating to that, plus the fact that DH still thinks he can carry on going to the gym and his voluntary work when I have had to cancel all my voluntary work and gym sessions for the last 2 weeks.

So wise MNetters, do you agree that DH is being selfish and unhelpful and if so what do I do to change his attitude short of walking out of the door and leaving them all to it

I am also prepared to be told IABU and to shut up and get on with it - as I have already been told that by DH, so it won't be a great shock sad

LittleDonkeyLeftie Mon 15-Dec-14 13:41:33


WHy have you done everything for 14 years just because you are SAHM? He should still be doing stuff.

When do you get a break?

He sounds like a selfish dick to me. I hope DD gets better soon.

Kewcumber Mon 15-Dec-14 13:44:45

Of course he is being unreasonable. But you reap what you sow. You could have found out he was a selfish prick 14 years ago if you'd expected him to behave like normal human being then.

Thurlow Mon 15-Dec-14 13:47:32

YANBU, at all.

However, if he hasn't had to do anything at all for 14 years, then it's not exactly a surprise that he isn't thinking of all the things that need doing now that you've been doing for him.

You actually do need to explain this all to him in words of tiny syllables and actually explain what you do around the house, because after this amount of time I imagine he doesn't know.

Yes he's being an arse and completely unsupportive but... I'm slightly unsurprised that he is.

Levismum Mon 15-Dec-14 13:53:11

Ending up more then just a sahm but carer is incredibly difficult. 14 -years ago your circumstances were very different so Kewcumber ' s comment isn't very helpful.

You need to define a time that's yours ever day/week /month. Dp needs to contribute more not help but contribute.

YANBU. It's incredibly insidious being a carer. I'm in a slightly different position as I'm a lone parent. I want my Exdp to share custody so i don't end up doing everything, all the time, but he just about visits twice a month!

Get a break. However you do it.

offtoseethewizard64 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:00:52

I have done it all for 14 years because I have had the time to and don't want to spend it watching daytime tv and when I gave up work completely (previously worked part time), he had an incredibly stressful job and worked long hours. He has since changed jobs.
I usually have plenty of time to do things for myself (gym,voluntary work, meeting friends for coffee) whilst the DCs are at school. I don't usually need him to do housework or run errands. He does do the gardening (mostly) and the diswasher unloading and iron his own shirts after he commented that he didn't like the way I did the collars, so I told him what he could do.

I just cannot understand though, how an intelligent man who knows his wife is 'housebound' and who sees things on the worktop that need taking to other places, doesn't think to 'offer' to take them. This is the same man who often tells DS off for not doing the things that he needs to do without being asked 300 times - but then DS is a teenager so that's his excuse. DH is much longer in the tooth and should, in my opinion, know better.

RoganJosh Mon 15-Dec-14 14:03:05

I think you need to give him a list of things he can do each day, rather than having to ask him to do every item.

RedSoloCup Mon 15-Dec-14 14:07:51

You need to sit and talk to him though and not snipe at him and expect him to just know what you need, typical man vs woman thing and I am also guilty of this.

Speak in plain language.

I am a bit :-o at not even being able to run the hoover round when you are home all day though but obvs I don't know what is wrong with your DD.

offtoseethewizard64 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:30:20

red DD has had breathing difficulties and a severe chest infection. She has a lifelong condition/illness, hence why I am a carer. By rights, she should be in hospital, but because we have all the equipment here, (oxygen, saturation monitors etc) we are able to keep her at home. I need to listen out for the monitors etc to make sure she is breathing ok. We came very close to a 999 call on Friday, but it was thankfully averted. That is why I cannot hoover, unless someone else is with DD.

BreconBeBuggered Mon 15-Dec-14 14:49:47

Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute here. I can just about grasp the poor little lamb not having the capacity to see what needs doing, as OP has taken on all the household stuff since becoming a SAHP, and it's too much to expect him to remember that there's nobody but him to get things done if the missus is busy with a sick child. I cannot for the life of me see where he gets off not stepping up to share some of the caring responsibilities, if only so that OP can actually 'shut up and get on with it' as her DH so charmingly suggests.

Fabulassie Mon 15-Dec-14 14:57:10

Do you trust your husband to take care of your daughter when you are out of the house? Because maybe you should get out and do something for yourself in the evening as a bit of a break.

As for him doing stuff around the house - make him a list.

cailindana Mon 15-Dec-14 15:00:35

Did he really tell you to shut up and get on with it??? shock

Time for a very serious chat. It might be the case that he is used to being babied and mollycoddled, but he has no right to speak to you like that, ever. What an incredibly nasty way to react to you understandably needing a bit of support. Surely he cares that his poor DD is suffering? Does he not want to pitch in and help to get her better? Or could he just not give a shit?

catsmother Mon 15-Dec-14 15:10:20

Frankly OP you have enough on your plate ATM without having to give any further headspace to what contribution he should be making.

I absolutely hate this whole "tell me what to do and I'll do it" ..... jeez, how bloody kind of you. That's just another way of saying that if you don't spell it out for him he won't do anything at all and will do nothing safe in the knowledge he's not done anything wrong as you didn't tell him!

He's a grown man - why can't he recognise how stuck - literally - you are right now and fucking well prioritise the family rather than his gym trips. Why can't he look around the house himself and think for himself that it might be rather a good idea and would benefit everyone if he saw to this task or that one before pleasing himself ?

Why the hell doesn't he just 'get on with it' - he's a grown man, but despite claiming to be willing to pitch in if you tell him, has already demonstrated - by getting huffy about the cheques, and by speaking to you so nastily - that actually, the truth of the matter is that he resents having to do the sort of stuff he obviously sees as 'your' job (and is therefore 'beneath' him).

I'm so sorry he's such a knob - his daughter is ill, you'd think he'd be doing whatever he could to pull his weight. The sneaking off to work thing too is pretty unforgivable if he'd previously only planned a half day and if there's no vital reason to go in all day. Looks like he's escaping doesn't it .... pity someone has to be an adult and show some responsibility. It must be very hurtful that a) he was prepared to take a half day originally to help out other people (however worthy his voluntary work is) and b) even when he cancelled that couldn't see that his time would have been best used doing something for the family, or in particular you - letting you have a bit of a break perhaps.

I feel very very angry for you - does he not actually care about the stress you're under ?

Theoretician Mon 15-Dec-14 15:12:14

I just cannot understand though, how an intelligent man ... doesn't think to 'offer'

This winter, to minimise condensation around upstairs windows, I've resolved to keep flat bathroom doors shut, in order to help extractor fans do their job when on overrun. For some reason this has completely disrupted my "turn off bathroom light" algorithm, to the extent that ten times a day when I go to use the bathroom, I get highly pissed off with myself because I find the bathroom light on and extractor fan running full blast. Despite my extreme annoyance on entering bathroom, 30 seconds later when I leave, I invariable manage to forget the off-switch, again.

It's extremely difficult to break a habit. If it's not been his job to think about/notice things, it will be virtually impossible for him to start doing so overnight. You are going to have to tell him what to do. (Though I see your problem is also when you do tell him he refuses - that's a separate issue.)

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