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Aibu to just ignore Mil for the rest of my life

(101 Posts)
Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:05:50

Over the years mil and SIL have done and said some evil things to me.

Now my big issue is that mil illegal took out a catalogue in dps name after he moved in with me (so post was going to her house still). She ran up a huge debt which went unnoticed until dp saw it on his credit file, he then went ballistic and she promised she would pay the debt off in June with a claim she was getting for a car accident. June came and went she decided to get her house redecorated and then went on to go on holiday in November with SIL, obviously paid for by mil.

So now we are in December she promised debt would be paid this week with a different claim she is waiting on a cheque to clear. Now what I can't get over is that because of this we have to wait an extra 6 months to apply for a mortgage be cause you can't have any defaults on credit file.

Me and dp recently had a little baby and are currently renting (expensively) and I am so bitter about the fact my baby will be walking by the time we get our own house and I don't think this house is safe enough for a toddler, the baby will also have no bedroom until we get our own house which obviously is really inconvenient All because of mil.

She thinks I do not know about is debt but really I want to corner her an get it into her head how much she has affected a lot of things in our life. Also my dp wanted to retrain for a new career but has to put this off because we need his full income for our mortgage application so he cannot drop hours to retrain just yet.

She came up to see us the other day and I could even look at her I feel so angry an bitter about the whole situation. Especially as dp let it go on so long. I think mil is a narc as she fails to see any repercussions of her actions.

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:06:28

Sorry it was so long but had to get it all out there. I wanted to dwindle contact with the baby because she doesn't care anyways. She just wants a hold over her son

NewEraNewMindset Mon 15-Dec-14 13:09:07

She sounds lovely!!! I dread to think what she is going to keep getting payouts on 'claims'.

YANBU at all.

VitalStollenFix Mon 15-Dec-14 13:10:04

He can choose to report her for fraud.

Or at least tell her that that is what will happen if she does not clear the debt at once.

And he needs to let her know that you know and that you aren't happy.

I don't see why she should be protected in any way when she is happy to screw you all.

It really comes down to your partner. What is he willing to do?

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:11:07

Her third claim this year, she's quite the drama queen. I just hate her so much.

She also stated during her visit that she had already bought the baby all their Christmas presents (she will have bought tons). I felt like saying the baby doesn't need gifts they need a home

JT05 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:11:49

How awful for you. It is this type of person who gets MILs such a bad press!
She is just dreadful, most mothers would be helping their children to get homes of their own. I would cut her out of my life, she will always be a drag on your emotional and financial resources. Good luck.

maz210 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:13:28

Can you pay the debt yourselves? If so I would do it and go NC with this as the reason, say you couldn't wait any longer for her to pay it and feel beyond disappointed that she has both committed fraud and then left you and her grandchild to suffer the consequences.

She sounds as though she won't be a great loss to your lives. I can't imagine being able to stay friendly with anyone who could do this to me.

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:13:59

I told him if she hasn't paid is this week I'm going to come down on her like a tonne of bricks. I don't care what she says or does to me but she will not be doing this to my baby.

Dp has been warned I've stayed silent long enough. Also SIL is planning on getting married in America in 2016, they don't have much family so will really need us there. So that will be the same year we are applying for a mortgage so to be fair we probably can't afford that now as we will have our house to kit out.

But no doubt it will be all our fault. Even if she pays the debt this week I still need to say something to her as I can't get over it.

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:15:11

Maz I actually said this to dp also. I've let her away with murder over this years but not now.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 15-Dec-14 13:15:45

Hopefully you just need to ignore her for the rest of her life. Unless she seems likely to outlive everybody out of spite.

LittleDonkeyLeftie Mon 15-Dec-14 13:18:05


I would tell her if she doesn't pay up this time she would never see me or DC again.

Probably wouldn't change anything though sad

FelineLou Mon 15-Dec-14 13:18:15

I think you need to contact the catalogue company and get this debt removed from your DPs name. It was fraudulent, a criminal offence.
If you go NC you cant get it sorted out.
If she has agreed to pay, give her a date when you are going to the police if not paid.
This is going to cause problems and thats the time to go NC.
When I say you, I mean both of you because both of you are losing out by her dishonesty. He may not want his mother labelled as a criminal but she had a way to avoid that and chose not to. Stand up to her until she pays the debt.

Innocuoususername Mon 15-Dec-14 13:19:24

I agree with Vital, your DP can report her for fraud (and three insurance claims in one year too hmm?)

Clearly that is the nuclear option but
she has effectively denied your family of a permanent home, and your DP of his career change. Would your lives be better without her in it?

MinceSpy Mon 15-Dec-14 13:20:01

Your DP needs to man up and deal with his DM. You could just be brave and tell her you know about the debt.

merrymouse Mon 15-Dec-14 13:21:44

She doesn't have to pay the debt.

She has to formally take on the debt in her name or you need to report her for fraud.

Don't pay the debt and go NC - report her and go NC.

I suspect that using false identities to run up catalogue bills and the high number of 'claims' are not unrelated.

Cauliflowersneeze1 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:25:12

Report her

A bad credit history can effect you for years

i would have fucking killed her , the nasty , selfish cow

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:25:58

How can someone formally take a debt in her name. I will say something but me and dp will fall out because she will explode on him

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:27:40

I'm not even going to open her presents for the baby. She's making me depressed which is bad enough when I've got this little baby here

RonaldMcDonald Mon 15-Dec-14 13:37:10

I don't think that this is your problem with his MIL really

it is your partners, as the debt is in his name

how he is dealing with this debt is affecting your being able to buy a home. So the question is, does he really want to buy a house?

if his sister is talking about getting married in a few years he needs to put forward his plans on buying a house and furnishing it and clearly stating that if the wedding is in 20-- he won't be able to attend as he has plans for his new home <if he does>

if you get involved it will wrongly become a fight between you and his family and the blame will end up being placed upon you

this is his stuff - leave it with him to deal with his mother and make him keep his promises to you - no excuses

i find it interesting when people say they want to do something but there are always blocks/people/reasons in their way to prevent them from doing it
examine if your partner has problems making things happen that he really wants?

merrymouse Mon 15-Dec-14 13:38:42

How can someone formally take a debt in her name.

To be honest I think it would be difficult for her to do this without admitting to fraud - presumably the company gave the credit because they credit checked your DP. However she might get away with pleading ignorance and just paying the bill. If she wants advice she should contact the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Whatever, the situation, you and your DP are the victims of a crime that she has committed. Does it really matter if she explodes?

I would be returning or selling the presents - you need the money.

Santaslittleblowupdoll Mon 15-Dec-14 13:40:13

I'd be going fuckng mental I'd absolutely say something. BUT if she had t got it she can't pay it back. I'd take measures in to making her formally excepting the debt as her own - if you can do that.

My mil is similar, she seems to think that DP wage is 'family' money. She financially screwed us up at the beging of the year to the point dp and I nearly broke up over it. The last straw was when she went on holiday knowing she was opening her doors to a new buisness a week after she got back. She spent all of her money 'as she needed a 'break' then came back all suntanned and asked dp to borrow money to buy all of her stock as she had no cash left. She wanted to borrow our savings that we had saved for a last min holiday as we had not been away for years. I laughed my tits off at that request. She still hasnt paid the woman she finally lent it off 18 months ago.

I'd talk to her about it. I finally grew some balls last year and I wish I had done sooner.

MrsGeorgeMichael Mon 15-Dec-14 13:45:05

I would be ringing police re fraud!

sorry but i would!

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:46:32

I'll give her to Friday if it's not paid then I will speak to her. I'm just so angry I don't think I can out it across nicely I don't want to speak her again no matter if she pays it or not, as we are still in this situation.

Dp is annoyed with her but he knows what she is like, she always opens his post and stuff like that, he is actually used to it so thinks it's normal. He won't go nc but I can I mean I just won't let her near the house and he can go visit her, would that work.

Santaslittleblowupdoll Mon 15-Dec-14 13:46:53

mmolly I e been in your situation where you get so fucking angry it consumes your daily life. Don't let her take your happy away. Two years I let her ride rough shot and I just kept my mouth shut for fear of causing trouble.

Sit down with dp and discuss a plan of action. Be very careful not to criticise her because at the end of the day it's his mother and he will get defensive. You have to box really clever here and manage the situation.

Get a clear plan of action together in retrieving the money in a reasonable amount of time and what will happen if she doesn't follow through with it. Then speak to his mum together. Dp used to act like a ten year old when his mum kicked off so I just stayed calm and continued to talk through the matter. Her kicking off is just away to get every one to STFU. My dp is much better at dealing with her now.

Mmolly2013 Mon 15-Dec-14 13:47:17

I would love to ring the police but it's his mum at the end of the day, plus they will say why did he wait till now as his credit file will show he's logged in many times before.

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