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to think you just don't interfere with controlled crying and then go straight to sleep.

(25 Posts)
sarkymare Mon 15-Dec-14 10:08:30

DS had his first birthday last week. He is still breastfed and hadn't once slept through the night or managed to settle himself to sleep. I do all night wakings myself and it was really starting to take its toll on me.

On Wednesday I discovered I had a MMC. Long story cut short I was rushed back to hospital that night as the foetus was stuck in the neck of my womb causing full blown contractions and very heavy bleeding. I had to have this removed via forceps whilst I was wide awake and felt the whole thing. It was horrendous and didn't sleep a wink that night.

On Thursday night I was so tired that when DS woke up, it took me a while to wake up enough to get up and go to him. To my surprise he stopped crying and fell back to sleep. This happened twice more during the night and he ended up staying from 8pm-9am in his own bed, which meant I finally got a semi decent nights sleep. Same goes for Friday and Saturday he was settling himself to sleep and I was sleeping well.

Well last night DS wakes up at about 1am. He wasn't crying but whinging and I could hear that he was fighting going back to sleep. After explaining to DP that I wasn't going to go and get him as he had been doing so well and I didn't want to undo it all by bringing him into bed and popping him on my boob as soon as he cried. DP then decides to go and get him anyway. Hands him to me and fucking goes to sleep! Cue DS not wanting to go back to bed ALL NIGHT and I haven't slept at all.

I am absolutely furious still. Three nights he managed to stay in his own bed. Within a few more days we would have cracked it I'm sure. That absolute bell end.

Aibu to think that if you interfere with controlled crying/night time then you should stay awake and help deal with it, not roll over and go to sleep?

Maki79 Mon 15-Dec-14 10:14:07

So sorry for your loss OP. flowers

YANBU whatsoever, I would have left and checked myself into a hotel.

You need to tell dp exactly what you've just told us. He needs to take charge of nightimes from now on. I hope you get a grovelling apology!

GailLondon Mon 15-Dec-14 10:20:02

That is really awful behaviour from your partner. I had a MC at 12 weeks myself earlier in the year, very similar to yours by the sounds of it with a stuck placenta that had to be extracted in A&E and very heavy bleeding. The absolute last thing you need right now is a disturbed nights sleep. He is very selfish by getting your child up and then not dealing with the consequences and I'm not surprised you are furious with him.

Sounds like the controlled crying was going well for you and you can recover from last nights setback. Try again tonight, tell DP under no circumstances is he to go and get the baby up. You can do this!

Levismum Mon 15-Dec-14 10:20:19

Firstly, so sorry for your loss.

I absolutely agree with you. Your DP should be getting up to the baby during this time. You need to recover from the mmc.

I would make it very clear to him that he needs to step up.
Seriously, you should consider a short break away. You deserve & needs some TLC. Take

monkeytroubles Mon 15-Dec-14 10:22:38

What a horrible time you've had, I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

YANBU, if your DP doesn't approve of controlled crying he should have spoken up before and you could have had a discussion about it. Blatantly undermining what you were trying to achieve and then opting out by handing you the baby and going back to sleep is out of order. If you were sharing the night time wakings then I think it would be reasonable for your DP to have a say in what method of sleep training you use but if he's going to leave it all to you then he needs to back off.

TheTravellingLemon Mon 15-Dec-14 10:24:58

I'm sorry for your loss Sarky. I hope you have good rl support.

YANBU at all. DH needs to sort it out. You should be resting at the moment. His behaviour is really not on. He's not a child, you are his family - he needs to do his share of the looking after from time to time. I would definitely talk to him about this. Explain why you are so angry, it's completely justified.

Highlandbird Mon 15-Dec-14 10:30:21

I'm so sorry for your loss, sounds like you've been through an awful time.

Completely understandable that you were pissed off with your DH but I think you need to speak to each other before bed time and agree on a strategy for the night, it's hard trying to make decisions in the night when you're half asleep and not thinking straight. And if he doesn't agree with cc maybe he should be dealing with the night wakings? Good luck anyway, sounds like you were getting so where with the sleep thanks

Highlandbird Mon 15-Dec-14 10:31:24


CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 15-Dec-14 10:36:30

Your DP owes ypu one fuck of an apology. The first part for not stepping up and taking over while you attempt to come to terms with your loss. The rest for thinking it was even nearly ok to interfere with a situation he had absolutely no intention of helping.

If I knew you IRL, I'd be more than happy to come round and give him what for on your behalf. Disgusting behaviour.

ChickenMe Mon 15-Dec-14 10:55:48

So sorry for your loss. Your DP is being a lazy and selfish git. Undermining you, disturbing the baby and then leaving you to deal with the aftermath. And to compound it, you just had a MMC so anyone with half a brain would realise you need to rest. His behaviour has been unacceptable and supportive and I would be feeling very let down.

erin99 Mon 15-Dec-14 11:12:09

YANBU. He did exactly the wrong thing, not just for you but also for your son.

Sounds to me like your DS can manage without feeding and actually, your DH taking over on night wakings for a bit would be the perfect way to consolidate that. Whether he left him or picked him up every time could be his decision. Trouble is, it does take the right partner to step up and spend a few nights without losing their patience with the child.

You could also timeshare the night - dH takes him til 2am or whatever. We did a rota system for a few nights to stretch out DS's feeds and it worked brilliantly, BUT you need DH to step up and see it through. FWIW, the 3 nights or so my DH put in comforting DS to stretch out his feeds were the best investment ever in DH's overall sleep. DS was sleeping through soon after and it was all done with no tears. Sorry, I know you are not after sleep advice, youare right to be p'd off with him but as Highlandbird says, you need an agreed strategy going forward, and any DH who is not prepared to share the load in your circs is a complete arse.

freelancegirl Mon 15-Dec-14 11:18:14

I can only empathise. My DS has been a terrible sleeper in exactly the same situation - co sleeping out if necessity and only feeding to sleep, sometimes every bloody half an hour throughout the early part of the night and then every hour or two and Dh has basically left it to me to sort out. It was a real surprise as Dh is great round the house, probably better than me, but said he's working and cannot be falling asleep at work. I can see his point but it's horrible being the only one responsible for such a huge issue and being exhausted, let alone when being pregnant and then having an awful miscarriage. I'm a current miscarriage sufferer and had another miscarriage when my DS was the same age as yours so can relate perfectly.

If the sleep training seems to have been working do carry on and let him know that's what you're doing. I agree with a PP about trying to have that conversation before bedtime but I know how hard this can be when you're tired, forgetful and stressed.

We did have a sleep training consultant at 12 months and DS did sleep through for a few months until illness, teething and holiday bed sharing disrupted it. But it did stop us co-sleeping and feeding to sleep. We have just had a top up session now as I am due our second dc any day and DS Still wasn't sleeping at 2.4!! I hope that inspires you to keep up the good training even if you are, unfortunately, on your own with it.

VitalStollenFix Mon 15-Dec-14 11:18:35

Sounds like he just wanted to get to sleep and decided to hand you the child so he wasn't disturbed any longer.

Very selfish of him.

Do you have a spare room? If so, I would suggest next time he tries that, tell him to enjoy the rest of the night and take yourself off to the spare room!

You need to tell him how selfish he is being.

DixieNormas Mon 15-Dec-14 11:27:18

Selfish arse, try again tonight and tell your dp that if he gets the baby up again he will be the one who deals with him

Sorry for your loss

sarkymare Mon 15-Dec-14 11:42:01

You're right vital, that's exactly why he did it. He knew I was trying CC. I had been telling him for the past two days how impressed I was that he was settling himself after a few minutes of whinging and that I fully intended to keep this up until he stopped waking for a feed at all. I also repeated this a mere minute before he leaped up and got him.

Its not just the tiredness, my boobs are wrecked. I have one D cup and one B cup which is extremely noticeable no matter what bra or top I wear. They are saggy and just awful. I don't think they can withhold many more nights of suckling.

Metalguru Mon 15-Dec-14 14:03:52

Poor you OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. your DH should be taking over Friday and Saturday nights so you can rest, if your one year old doesn't see you he may not expect to feed, he doesn't actually need milk in the night at that age. The balance sounds completely unfair, all that "I can't be falling asleep at work stuff" doesn't wash with me, my DH tried it too and insisting on a fairer compromise and arguing it out with him was exhausting, but worth it in the end as I didn't want a precedent set. You have been through a lot and need rest and support flowers hope you are ok

StackladysMorphicResonator Mon 15-Dec-14 15:32:53

Did you say anything to him? Wake him up and rant at him? Or talk to him about it the next day?

He behaved like an absolute arse, what a wanker!

ilovelamp82 Mon 15-Dec-14 15:41:14

What did he have to say for himself? Is he normslly so selfish and disrespectful?

sarkymare Mon 15-Dec-14 17:04:41

We spoke about it earlier and he tried to laugh it off but then admitted he was a bellend and apologised. He's now cleaning the kitchen so he knows he's done wrong. He's going to cook and do bath time tonight whilst I do some Christmassy crafts.

ilovelamp82 Mon 15-Dec-14 17:17:58

That's all very well but does he realise that as he has broken the pattern that you had established he now needs to be the one to sort it or does he think because he's cleaning the kitchen that you're going to do it again tonight?

At least he apologised. Let's hope it's genuine. I guess you'll probably find that out tonight.

SaucyMare Mon 15-Dec-14 17:19:30

my OH would not have slept one wink that i wasn't asleep after that performance, i would have been sat on his chest playing with the child.

SaucyMare Mon 15-Dec-14 17:20:21

show him my comment, and get him to say a big thank you he is married to someone so nice.

sarkymare Tue 16-Dec-14 09:46:38

DS wouldn't even attempt to settle himself last night. He just screamed until I fetched him. When I told DP this this morning he Said ' oh so I'm guessing that's my fault then?' in a really pissed off sarcastic way. Well yes, yes it fucking is.

I'm so unbelievably pissed off I could actually kill him.

ilovelamp82 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:35:05

Why did you fetch him? Why didn't you tell him too?

ilovelamp82 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:37:29

Maybe you should have a couple of nights away. Leave him to actually father his child. He'll soon try and digure out a way of getting him settled if he knows you're not there to pick up the slack.

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