AIBU to be confused about kiss

[Passpartout30]

Long-time lurker, first time poster. Am expecting a total pasting, and deserve it. I am confused and need some sense knocked into me.

I am married. Happily albeit zero sex life. No children. I work for a man (married, no kids) whom I respect a lot and am attracted to - because he is good at his job, is passionate and powerful, and I have raging daddy issues.

Recently we were the last two left after a work dinner. My memory is poor but I know that when we were talking I was tearful at some stage. He moved around to my side of the table and was comforting me. We then kissed (I can't remember who initiated it). We left the restaurant after this and I think I said I wanted to go back to his hotel room. I didn't (think he said no, probably horrified). Stupid stupid stupid. I rang my husband immediately and told him - he was fine about it, it's so crazy he was not annoyed and put it down to a drunken thing.

Why do I feel confused about this? We spoke the following day when in the office and things are fine - though he clearly doesn't want to talk about it so there is no opportunity to find out exactly what was said and done.

I know I am lucky to have got out of this unscathed professionally. But I feel like I want more. I am pathetic and predictable. How do I stop myself from courting drama and disaster to fill my life?

Tell me off. I deserve it.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Why are you not having sex with your DH?

Clearly you haven't shut off sexual desire

[APotNoodleandaTommy]

Also wondering what the sex issue is

[Minshu]

Been in a similar situation. You need to try to sort out your marriage - it is make or break time. Your crush on the boss is a symptom, and it will be difficult for you for a little while.

My marriage broke down and I ended up marrying the object of my crush, but it wasn't an easy or painless journey.

[Passpartout30]

I don't know what the issue is really. Both my husband and I are out of shape but I find him very attractive. However, I have never ever orgasmed with him (or indeed anyone else). For me I can take or leave sex but I find the thrill of the chase in a new relationship exciting (which I do understand this is not going to be) - but that is what is alluring for me.

[CaptainAnkles]

Put the silly drunken mistake behind you and concentrate on the problem that led to it. Is the zero sex your husband's choice?

[notagainffffffffs]

I do get it. Youve been a bit of a twat but we all have at some point. Im more concerned that your husband wasnt fussed so much. Why do you think he was so forgiving? Do you think you told him right away for attentions sake?

[LaurieFairyCake]

So no orgasm and you find the thrill of the chase most exciting?

You are sexually stuck in adolescence and likely have an intimacy issue - see a sexual therapist (with your DH if you love him) - - you CAN fix it, I promise. It's very common to have intimacy issues.

[Passpartout30]

I'd say that I do 90% of the stuff I do for attention so probably. It's my worst feature and I hate it. I don't know why my husband wasn't that bothered...probably because my boss is twice my age (in his 60s ffs) so I don't think my husband feels he is a threat. He would have hit the roof if it was a younger guy.

[Passpartout30]

Thank you fairycake. Those are kind words and encouraging.

[weeblueberry]

For me, the fact your husband wasn't raging is a massive red flag...

It definitely indicates there are issues within your relationship if he's not angry and threatened by this surely? Issues in the relationship that need addressed ASAP.

[weeblueberry]

Sorry pressed send too quickly. Even if he's not threatened by your boss doesn't it say more about you than the person you're after?

[Passpartout30]

Yes - I don't know why he doesn't care. He's quite hard to get a reaction out of. Before we were married I had a relationship which split us up for a while. He was sad but we managed to pick up the pieces. He puts up with a lot of shit from me - he wants an easy life perhaps?

[MuttersDarkly]

We are all vulnerable to reading other people's situations via our own lens, so I may be wide of the mark. But .....

I'd say that I do 90% of the stuff I do for attention

I think that is worth a little investigation. It may be something you can turn around with some help. It is worth coming to understand why the attention-seeking is there.

My mum has very very significant attention-seeking issues. So that is what we learned. My sister and I had to address both the cause of our behavoirs and the habit it had become. To say that life improved immeasuably once we'd worked through that is an understatement.

It is hard to arrive at contentment and reliable stability with the ever present danger of self sabotague via knee jerk attention seeking. Albeit with a fair bit of work it can be channelled though, into focusing on what needs to be done in order to get "good" attention, for a job well done for example.

Another thing to think about, is it possible that you are looking for an exit affaire ? So circumstances end your marrage rather than you taking responsibility in an overt, measured manner ? Drama, crisis and "it just happened!" can be really seductive as a choice compared to the less high octane option of "we need to talk, this isn't working for me anymore".