To suspect she might be a liar?(12 Posts)
I don't want to divulge the full story as it might out me, but I've recently become friendly with a new Mum at my DD's school (they're new to our village) and she's quickly become part of our social circle which has been nice. She's funny, friendly and get on well with everyone.
However, I suspect she might be a compulsive liar and I don't know how to deal with it. I have one of those ridiculous memories which means I remember everything that people tell me about their lives/weekends/friends etc.... and she's told stories which she's then contradicted a few days/weeks later, but it's always quite big, serious stuff and I initially took her at face value but something happened this weekend that made me doubt her.
Do you know anyone who is a liar? How do you approach it? Do you just ignore it or call them out on it?
I'd just ignore it.Unless the lying affected me iyswim.
Hi jingle and welcome to Mumsnet
What would you like to do about your new friend ?
How bad are the lies? You say big, but is it big as in "I ran the PTO at my DCs last school singlehandedly" (when she didn't) or is it "I have never been in court for stealing from friend's houses" (when she has).
I would think it all depends on the enormity of the lie. I certainly wouldn't call her out in front of other people, but perhaps if it really is winding you up you could just ask slightly more informed probing questions in a friendly way. And certainly don't chat about this to those around her - she may just be insecure and thinking these lies are helping her make friends.
One of my in-laws tells huge porkies, but in that British way everyone just nods and then thinks EHH?? I think to raise it would be embarrassing, people often exaggerate when they feel they need to impress iyswim.
Ah! I found out how to do that without even trying. In hindsight it was very funny (for onlookers) but at the time everyone just ground to a halt.
Friend A had been off on a weekend jolly away, lovely hotel, spa, food and a seaside walk. She told us all about it and couldn't recommend the place enough.
About 6 months on... Friend B, new to group, comes back from a weekend away, lovely hotel, spa, food and a seaside walk... Friend A looks at the piccies, looks it up online and muses about the chances of her DH springing for such a weekend... just as I say, very loudly, "Oh, Friend A that's the hotel you went to in May, it must be lovely if you both recommend it"
Cue silence... and embarrassed looks. Friend A has been the object of a few muttered conversations and it seems the consensus is that she really is a complete fantasist!
Maybe you could engineer a similar, accidental blurt
I need examples of the lies before I can offer an opinion.
I think you have to let them dig their own grave unless it deeply involves you.
The more they do it, the more others will realise.
If you question her now you could turn into the bad guy.
Perhaps they feel they need to impress and may calm down..
I don't know. I've known a few liars in my life and it just really annoys me. Don't get me wrong, I've told a few little white lies myself and probably do on a daily basis, but I think (I have no proof) she's lying about things and then I have mutual friends phoning me saying "have you heard about xxx? Isn't it awful?" and I've had to agree and make shocked noises all the while I think she's making it up.
Only one person, I have know them for 26 years and I just say why are you lying or that's not what you said before- I think its a confidence thing with them rather than any sinister reasons- so do also remind them they have no need to lie to me.
I have known bullshitters.
These things you suspect she's lying about - might they also occur in a Jackie Collins novel or on Jeremy Kyle? Are they often awful things? Are they always dramatic? Are they things that happened/are happening to her (and are terrible/stressful etc) or does often she end up victorious in the face of adversity/get one over on someone else? Do you feel she gets a thrill from telling people - does her face light up or does she sort of over-do the trauma? Is the end result that she gets sympathy, extra kindness/allowances, does she receive anything materially - flowers, gifts, lifts, loans, someone else chipping in on her behalf? Is the end result she gets a lot of attention?
These are some of the traits of the bullshitters I've known. I must attract them. These days I say things like 'Oh dear, how awful for you, that's just dreadful isn't it' and disengage.
I think if you call her on it, and she's a bullshitter, things could get nasty. So I think I would tread carefully and not get too involved.
Yes I know a compulsive liar - very very close family member. The worst thing about it is that she will say something then exactly moments later she says the opposite .... Then I question her, I'm sure you just said .... ? She will deny it and even swear on a grave!
She does it all the time! Even at times when there's no reason to lie - you'll ask something simple like "how's Anna", she'll say it's been a while since they spoke but Anna will call you telling you they were chatting etc...
It's frustrating - I just choose not to be involved in any capacity. I just say hello and that's it. I can't stand being lied to.
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