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to not buy for sil and her daughter

(48 Posts)
sleepingcub Fri 12-Dec-14 22:52:22

We have been non contact for the last two years and my partner has never got along with her. She can be very manipulative and uses her daughter as emotional blackmail. In the ten years my partner and I have been together they have never really had that brother/sister relationship.

we have never brought for the daughter except for the first year which was entirely on my behalf

About two years ago things got a bit awkward as mil insisted that we should buy for her at Christmas we firmly told her no and mil stopped talking to us for about 6 months as we are cruel.

I understand that its not fair to take it out on the child but my partner really wants nothing to do with his sister.

Recently his mum has asked if we could buy a present for her as we are the only family she has, which is making me feel bad, but my partner is hellbent on not giving her anything.

CheeseBuster Fri 12-Dec-14 22:57:44

Why would you buy for someone you are NC with? Thats stupid. YANBU.

beavington Fri 12-Dec-14 22:58:54

I would find it strange as a child to get a present from an auntie and uncle i dont know. I doubt i would have noticed it was missing either but i come from a large family.

Your mil should back off, giving a christmas present would not change their relationship only they can do that. She is probably just understandably sad to see her children dont get on. Not speaking to you for 6m is ridiculous though.

I cant imagine being in this situation and not even sending at least a selection box for the kid though.

WooWooOwl Fri 12-Dec-14 23:01:32

If your partner doesn't want to, you have your answer. His sister, his choice.

beavington Fri 12-Dec-14 23:02:23

Sorry i contradicted myself there!! I reread the post and realised that you had known DN before NC... i think that sending sonething for her daughter would be nice and doesnt mean you are building bridges or admitting defeat to sil. Just doing a nice thing for a young relative at a special time of year.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Fri 12-Dec-14 23:03:40

I had a large family and one aunt whom I barely knew always sent me dolls from which ever country she was in, you know the little tourist ones, and then I got a card and small gift every xmas....

I think it can be done, I feel sorry for the daughter..if this was you or your daughter how would you feel? would you want an aunt to think of you and send you something?

I could be in similar situ soon and the family is larger so I probably wouldnt buy as lack of something from us wouldnt go un noticed.

I am buying this year for a child whose mother we are not in contact with.

You cant blame the child for the sins of the parents. Its christmas.

You dont have to have anything to do with the sister but you can still send something for the child.

DuploChaos Fri 12-Dec-14 23:04:21

We're NC with SIL and we don't but for her child, why would we, she doesn't even know who we are.

DuploChaos Fri 12-Dec-14 23:04:37


ZeViteVitchofCwismas Fri 12-Dec-14 23:05:50

I think it depends on the situation Dulpo, in this case the child seems to have no one else.

I agree with beavington, your not admitting to anything or committing to anything by sending the child, the innocent child something.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 12-Dec-14 23:07:24

Exactly, why would you buy for someone you were NC, if the child never sees or hears from you they will not miss a present. It's your partners choice, and he chooses not to!

littlehayleyc Fri 12-Dec-14 23:08:04

Do you have children? Does your DP's sister buy for them? I personally would find it very hard not to buy presents for a niece or nephew regardless of my relationship with their parent. It seems a shame that you're missing out on a relationship with the niece. A little present and card at xmas/birthdays would be one way she could know that you think of her, and care about her regardless of the troubled relationship with the mother. Seems a bit heartless to me, but then I don't know why your DP doesn't speak to his sister, and how it's affected him. My BIL has recently got in contact with his two nieces (now aged about 18 and 20) who he hasn't seen for about 15 or more years due to family fall-outs and other issues. He is really happy to have been able to get to know them, and I'm sure he wishes he'd been able to see them grow up and have a closer relationship with them over the years.

Hhhhmhowtochoose Fri 12-Dec-14 23:10:50

I would get it. I buy for my niece who I've never met before because I just think we're family at the end of the day.
I understand if you choose not to, but it's a nice thing to do.

CrazyOldBagLady Fri 12-Dec-14 23:12:15

It's none of your MIL's business. If you don't see/know/care about the child, then don't bother. If however you would like to let the child know that you are there despite the problems with her mother, then it would be a good thing to do, to send a small gift and a card.

dwarfrabbit Fri 12-Dec-14 23:13:35

his sister, your niece. Doesn't have to be from him too if he feels strongly about his ds, but there's a kid in the equation so send dn something.

sleepingcub Fri 12-Dec-14 23:17:54

I think I have met the daughter about 5 times; my partner less than that. We have two children ourselves who actually don't see her as a cousin but as a child who lives at the pil's house.

The child in question is soon going to get a half sibling and I think that the sil feels threatened and wants to make a idealistic family. But up until now the sil have never been interested in our kids either

I think his mother just wants happy families and I can honestly say that my partner won't ever regret being n/c.

sleepingcub Fri 12-Dec-14 23:20:32

Last time this happened my mil kept going on at me so I told her basically I was staying out of it and that I buy for my family and he buys for his. She hasn't spoken to me about it, if it was me personally I would but he doesn't.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Fri 12-Dec-14 23:24:38

You are the only family this child has, what about the father side?

I have an horrid sil but if we were the only family, literally her child had, i would certainly be wanting to get the child something...and persuading Dh too...

Whats your DH argument for ignoring the child?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Fri 12-Dec-14 23:25:56

There is also playing happy families, and also simply sending a gift with no ties....

I am doing the same thing this year, because I know the child has very little....

dwarfrabbit Fri 12-Dec-14 23:27:37

even if sil ignores your kids, and even if your dc don't see her as a cousin, your niece will appreciate something. She may be feeling vulnerable with a half sibling on the way.

sykadelic Sat 13-Dec-14 03:47:34

You don't mention how old your DP's niece is. You did say that you only bought for her one year though and have not been in contact for 2.

Christmas means different things to different people. For me, buying gifts is an expression of caring for those I love and care for, not for every Tom, Dick and Harriette I'm related to. Spending time with them (even on Skype for me!), just a really good day.

I see no point in sending a present to a child who probably may not even get it, let alone know it's from you. Sending a present simply to make you feel good for sending one does nothing to bond with the child, who I'm sure if she cared at all, would do better with a good family life, not just presents.

Ultimately it's your DP's choice. His family, his decision.

Coyoacan Sat 13-Dec-14 04:24:42

I feel so sorry for the child caught up in affairs that have nothing to do with her.

Nomama Sat 13-Dec-14 08:43:27

Oh don't!

NC is NC. The kid will only know she is missing something if stupid adults, hell bent on proving a point, tell her she is.

Let your DH make his own decisions, talk to his mum etc. You would expect him to do the same for you and yours!

annielouisa Sat 13-Dec-14 08:50:37

Has something altered you say the child lives at PIL house? Do you no longer visit the house?

HRH008isback Sat 13-Dec-14 08:57:11

It doen't really matter if you send a gift or not, the SIL will twist it whichever way she wants.

i would continue as you are, and leave the decision up to your DH.

Micah Sat 13-Dec-14 09:19:06

We have a family member who is nc.

She has a child who has no family (she moved her to a different continent so her dad has no way of keeping in contact with the child either).

We used to send cards with cash, but no acknowledgement that it had even been received, let alone given to the child. Then we tried cheque, but got calls from those High street cash places, so obviously they didn't have a bank account, or couldn't pay the cheque in for whatever reason.

So we have set up a savings account, and the odd £5 for birthdays and Christmas is put in there. If the child ever makes contact when she's old enough, we can show we were thinking of them and they'll have a bit of money saved.

Is that an option if you want to remain nc but still do something for dn?

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