to wish she'd told me Xmas gift was too expensive?! I feel like shit

[Lomega]

I get on really well with my SIL, she's really thoughtful and adores my DS, and this year we are all spending xmas together with her parents (My ILs).

So anyway she asks me what I want for Christmas, so I have a think and I tell her I'd like some new shoes. I tell her my size, style I like, and the shops that sell them at a reasonable price (think in region of £30 or so. That's also what I have spent on her roughly overall, lots of little things). She said yes, fine, thanks for being so easy and making it simple for me! And then didn't hear anything more.

I thought everything was fine but today I got a call from my MIL saying SIL couldn't afford what I'd asked for and that the shoes were too expensive a gift from her. I felt like utter shit, really grabby and terrible that I had asked for them in the first place! When that was NOT my intention. Clearly she has panicked and said something to MIL, perhaps in confidence, thinking maybe MIL knew of other xmas ideas.

SIL earns a fairly decent wage (not saying that she has heaps of disposable income, I don't know that she does!) but she had mentioned briefly that a budget of £40ish would be absolutely fine, so assumed that shoes costing under this wouldn't be an issue.
Hell I dont even care about what I get anymore (I'm not like that) I just wanted to ask for something sensible because we wanted to get each other gifts this year!!

AIBU to wish she'd just said to me "I'm on a bit of a budget...is there something I can get you like a CD, or a candle, for instance?" (Which would tell me I could pick something in the region of £10, not more!) Or, to wish she'd told me herself instead of saying to MIL? I like to think we are close, i'm gutted she has had to feel this way and not been able to say to me :(

[MrsTerryPratchett]

MIL is stirring badly. Any reason you can think of?

[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle]

yanbu. but this sort of thing must happen all of the time. just give her a call and say sorry, she might well be feeling awful about it too. deal with it openly and you'll probably laugh about it in the future.

[BIWI]

Just reply saying how shocked you are by that response, and re-state your original intention/budget.

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

What Mrs Terry said. I think you need to call SIL directly and talk to her.

[KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse]

No, she indicated £40ish was the budget, you suggested something under that so don't feel bad.

Years ago in-laws suggested something for DC that they already had. I said "oh did you see it in such a shop?". They said yes. I'd seen it in the same shop so assumed that I'd be ok to suggest something else which cost around the same (slightly less). The next year they said "oh what do you think we should get DC up to £x" which was roughly half what they spent on my suggestion the previous year. I felt awful like I'd forced them to spend too much. I genuinely wouldn't gave suggested what I did if I didn't think they were spending that much anyway and I'd have not batted an eyelid if they'd said they had a smaller budget.

[Lomega]

I still don't know whether to say anything as I have a feeling she'll then be cross at MIL for stirring. I don't want to fall out over christmas or have any bad feeling there especially as I'm spending it with the ILs, but if I say nothing I'll feel equally shit!

DH has offered to ring and speak to SIL and say look don't worry. but it should really come from me.

I don't know why MIL is stirring. She can be a bit of hard work when she wants to and then feign innocence (think "I didn't mean it like that" afterwards.) I just really wished SIL had said to me 'that's too much' instead of having to go to her mum. MIL offered to get me the shoes instead, I was just though and said "no it's ok...I really wasn't expecting anything posh and extravagant"

[themartian]

`yanbu. You discussed the budget so you're not being grabby. Give her a call and explain that you meant well.
Personally, whenever anyone asks me what I'd like as a present or what the kids would like, I just say 'anything you fancy, don't worry too much about it'. I also never ask anyone what they want, I just buy them what I think they'll like and hopefully they will, but if not, well they don't

[rollonthesummer]

Speak to sil directly. Mil is stirring.

[Iggly]

Just ring and be done with it.

[Micah]

Do you think it might be your mil? As in your mil thinks £40 is too much to spend. Maybe your sil has had a moan about the cost of Christmas in general, or perhaps has listed what she needs to buy, and mil has assumed she can't afford it and has taken it upon herself to tell you...

I'd have a conversation with the sil and apologise, say you feel awful, the shoes were just a suggestion and you can give her several smaller value ideas to choose from.

And suggest next year you set a budget to stick to :)

[themartian]

Oh dear! Try to sort it out before Xmas. Explain that you thought that was within her budget and also tell MIL to please not buy you the shoes! Oh no, doesn't sound good...

[MeMyselfAnd1]

Frankly, when I ask a person what they want for Christmas, I expect to hear a generic word like a "jumper" rather than all the details of the specific item they want.

I think I would have found it rude to be told even where I should buy the thing, even if I was planning to spend far more than that.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Before you mentioned that a budget of £40 was discussed, I was going to write yabu. I would never ask anyone other than my dh or mum for something like shoes. But since you did discuss budget, and came under it, her position is bonkers.

[Lomega]

I gave her suggestions, MeMyself, on where to get them, as she asked me! And I had seen them in a certain place and knew they weren't too much. I did initially start off saying 'oh I don't mind, what about some shoes?' but she asked me to be specific, even moaned to me about DH saying "a shirt" and nothing else because she needed 'details'!!

I will ring and say to her how bad I feel and that anything would be lovingly welcomed, no matter what it is. perhaps not the 'im a twat' mug from the bad xmas gift thread though haha

[waithorse]

Ring SIL.

[Bulbasaur]

Me and DB do this around Christmas gifts. He asks what we want and tells us the price range. Sometimes we stick with the list, sometimes we deviate if we see something better.

I'd just talk to SIL directly. DM has told me and DH that our constant heckling has hurt DB's feelings before because one time he got quiet or something minor. I've given him a call and he sounds genuinely clueless about what the heck she's going on about, or that he was quiet because he was concentrating on something else or decided to ignore us because we were getting obnoxious.

Anyway, talk to SIL she may not be on the same page as MIL. At the very least, if MIL is playing games it'll nip it in the bud that you guys do things directly instead of wringing your hands over a non-issue.

[TooMuchCantBreathe]

This is the reason I go for a "list" not in the classic sense more if I'm asked I'll say "there's some shoes [£30] a candle [£20] and a book [£7.99]" any one would be fab (without mentioning prices of course).

Is there any way you could casually mention a couple of other gifts you'd like so sil could choose something and no one loses face? Your mil is bu though, very bad form

[MeMyselfAnd1]

If she asked you, you are well in your right to be annoyed.

[Lomega]

I'm going to ring her...the list idea is great TooMuch. I get home from work at 5pm tomorrow so wish me luck!

[prankormistake]

mil is trying to rule and divide most likely

call sil and say you feel awful and your really sorry and you don't care what you get and that you would be happy with a card

[MrsMarcJacobs]

does your MIL ever exaggerate as my one does.

[Eastpoint]

It could be that your MIL wants to give you a more expensive present than your SIL so she looks more important - we had a strict pecking order - most expensive present from parents, then grandparents, then aunts etc

[tobysmum77]

why are you worried about sil being cross with mil? seriously give her a ring and sort it out.

[Hatespiders]

This is between you and you SIL, not that mischievous MIL. Just be open and frank about it and explain the price you had in mind for the shoes, but add that you'd be delighted with something below what she originally suggested.

Honestly. doesn't Christmas bring up such a lot of trouble every year? It needs a cool head and nerves of steel to get through to Boxing Day!