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do you go to bed at the same time as your DP? is it important?

(96 Posts)
whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey Fri 12-Dec-14 17:13:48

DH and I generally go up to bed at the same time, but he has a 20-30 minute read on the toilet before getting into bed with me, by which time I'm almost asleep.
This irks me a bit because i like snuggling and chatting before going to sleep, its a quiet moment of intimacy.
Every now and then I let him know that I'd like us to go to bed together sometimes.
Last night he came up and didn't do his usual reading. He came to bed to listen to Question Time on the radio instead.
I was hurt and told him so.
I can't articulate why this bothers me, and we spend time together at other times of the day.
AIBU?

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey Fri 12-Dec-14 17:14:34

God, I sound pathetic reading that back!

foreverdepressed Fri 12-Dec-14 17:16:16

get a grip.

PureMorning Fri 12-Dec-14 17:17:33

No. I go about 10 and he goes about 12-2am

I would hate to be told what time to go to bed. I'm a grown-up not a toodlrre

MrsJossNaylor Fri 12-Dec-14 17:17:56

No, DH goes to bed later than me. It doesn't bother me and I can't understand why it would.

You sound very needy.

PureMorning Fri 12-Dec-14 17:18:09

Toddler even

DoubleValiumLattePlease Fri 12-Dec-14 17:18:17

I'm afraid I have no idea why this upsets you because my position on this is the exact opposite. I don't think we've ever gone to bed - for purposes of sleep! - at the same time. I couldn't bear it tbh - I like to read and fool about MN'ing reading the news on my phone, he falls into an instant noisy slobbery sleep at the start of his eight hour nasal symphony in four movements, all of them revolting! (must credit Bill Bryson with that brilliant line!). We now have separate bedrooms and this is my idea of absolute bliss!

Jewels234 Fri 12-Dec-14 17:20:03

My DP is a night owl, I'm a morning person, so we go to bed at different times. It used to bother me but I came to the conclusion that I'm not his mum, I don't get to tell him when to go to bed.

He sometimes comes to bed with me to make me happy, and I sometimes stay in bed to hug him in the morning when I would rather get up.

MrsBungle Fri 12-Dec-14 17:20:23

We go around the same time usually but he goes straight to sleep and I read for an hour or so. Other times I go to bed before dh. It wouldn't occur to me to be bothered about not going to bed at the same time.

WyrdByrd Fri 12-Dec-14 17:21:22

Erm...no!

DH & DD have baths & get in their PJ's whilst I'm doing dinner. By the time I've cleared up, listened to DD read & got her settled, called my DP's & had a bath myself it's gone 9 and DH is usually in bed around 10 as he has a much earlier start than me.

He goes to bed to sleep and if I tagged along for a chat at that time I'd get short shrift.

mistymorningmemories Fri 12-Dec-14 17:21:25

I don't even share a bed with dh and have never been happier! We have lovely snuggles on the sofa in the evening and then go our separate days for the night - bliss!

AmyElliotDunne Fri 12-Dec-14 17:22:00

I think it is important to spend a bit of time chatting and snuggling and if this is the only time that is likely to happen then I can see why you're hurt that he doesn't seem to value it as much as you. There's a big difference between bedtime cuddling and downstairs cuddling, even when there's no sex, the full body contact and lack of clothes makes it so much more intimate.

I used to watch TV while XH went up to bed, when I got there he was generally asleep. I think I did it to avoid intimacy with him, although I don't know if I realised that at the time.

Dp and I always go up together, both get showered and ready and then get down to serious snuggling. Without that I'm sure we wouldn't be so close and I find that when he hasn't been here to sleep for a few nights I do feel a bit shy with him. It's like that time cements the affection for the day.

browneyedgirl86 Fri 12-Dec-14 17:22:14

20-30 mins reading on the toilet? shock

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Generally DP and I go at the same time to bed. And like you say it is nice to have that bit of time where it's just you two. Embarrassingly I usually fall asleep before DP every most nights as I get tired very easily due to a health condition but I do like the feeling of going to bed at the same time, having a chat and cuddle before sleep.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey Fri 12-Dec-14 17:23:28

OK, I get the messagegrin! I guess I've been watching too many 70s sitcoms where the married couple go to bed together, have a peck then say goodnight.

AmyElliotDunne Fri 12-Dec-14 17:23:30

Oh and we have a no technology in bed rule! No TV in the bedroom and we both turn off our phones/iPads in bed to make sure we give each other full attention. It was his idea originally but I so glad as it's easy to be distracted by games and internet and sit next to each other in compelled different worlds if you're not careful.

Storytown Fri 12-Dec-14 17:23:59

No, we don't always for a variety of reasons but in the 25 years we've been married the periods when we have made the effort to go together have undoubtedly been the times the marriage has been at it's best. Not sure which leads to the other though!

wishiwasonthebeach Fri 12-Dec-14 17:24:25

That sounds very controlling. We don't, it would really upset me if someone would control when I got to bed. confused

EverythingslookingRosie Fri 12-Dec-14 17:26:15

I completely understand how you feel with this as I have the same! I would happily go to bed around 9-10pm but DH would rather stay up until 12-1am. This means we miss out on a lot of the intimacy you get from just cuddling in bed.

We compromise by trying to meet in the middle sometimes and going up together around 11pm. It does really irk me as well though. And I almost feel like I have to book an appointment to get that time with him.

SecretSquirrels Fri 12-Dec-14 17:29:36

No, very seldom in 40 years have we gone to bed at the same time. I go early he goes late. I'd hate it if he thought I should stay up longer than I want to.

Gawjushun Fri 12-Dec-14 17:29:46

30 mins on the toilet? Are you sure he doesn't just need more fibre? The loo is a terrible place to read.

Sparklingbrook Fri 12-Dec-14 17:30:05

Why does he choose to read on the toilet as a matter of interest?

SantyClaws Fri 12-Dec-14 17:31:37

Yes we always go to bed together during the week. And the cats usually come too grin

Sometimes on a Friday night I flake out early and leave him to watch something on the TV that I've no interest in, but the rest of the time we go together. It's nice.

CrohnicallyAnxious Fri 12-Dec-14 17:31:53

I find it much easier to talk in bed, snuggled up in the crook of DH's arm- something about the lights off, lack of eye contact yet physical closeness.

However, just recently I have been going to bed before 9pm, DH can't go to bed that early else he's awake in the middle of the night.

Sometimes we compromise, go to bed around 10pm, have a talk (or whatever wink) then he stays up playing on his phone while I sleep.

MinnieM1 Fri 12-Dec-14 17:33:28

We usually go to bed at the same time, but obviously there are times when we don't but 9 times out of 10 yes we go and have a snuggle, bit of a chat a bit of ahem blush
I find it a bit odd that people say they never go to bed together, do you have to pre-arrange sex then?

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey Fri 12-Dec-14 17:34:40

I've no idea why he reads on the toilet. Maybe it helps him 'concentrate'?

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