To be narked by PILs thoughtlessness?(17 Posts)
My issues with my PILs are relatively minor compared to some problems on here but would really appreciate knowing whether I'm just being intolerant or not.
They (FIL & SMIL) come up to visit us about every 6 weeks to look after our 2yr old son for a couple of days. They travel from a long way away but want to do it as he's their first gc and they dote on him, which is nice for them & him.
The problem is they are both pretty thoughtless in their behaviour, eg most recent visit they came in from a forest walk and tramped muddy boots all through the house (relatively new carpets as we moved less than 1yr ago). FIL breezily mentioned to me that he'd done this but made no effort to clear it up! They let 2yo scribble pens all over our coffee table despite me telling them drawing stuff only in the kitchen and to supervise him. They are also a bit clueless with looking after him - eg I had to tell them to change his nappy in the morning, otherwise god knows how long they'd have left it. Bear in mind he'd slept in this so he'd already been in it 12hrs+. Normally I'm at work but on this day I was working at home, so really don't know what they usually do. Would have thought after 2yrs of looking after him they'd know the basics!
SMIL is quite dismissive of how we discipline too - we sometimes use the naughty step but she rolls her eyes at it and thinks it's nonsense. Her way is to give into everything he wants and overlook bad behaviour.
AIBU to feel annoyed? I'm heavily pregnant with no2 so maybe my hormones are making me more irritable than normal and I should just button it and put up with them.
YANBU my PILs seemed to do similar except DD is older. They didn't bath her, didn't bother brushing her teeth despite being keen on feeding her chocolate. DD eats normal food but recently discovered MIL goes out to buy ready made food for her!!! We stopped taking DD to them.
YANBU to feel annoyed. They do sound thoughtless. Tramping mud all over someone else's house and not cleaning it is extremely rude. I don't think that leaving a 2 year old in a heavily soiled nappy is a minor issue either. And SMIL has no business being so openly dismissive of your behaviour management.
All of this would drive me mad too! What do you think you can do about it?
YANBU, they may be considered minor issues at the moment but unless they respect your wishes they will start to become major issues. I personally think that the reason why so many people end up having issues with their parents and partner's parents looking after their children is that they have the attitude of "I've already raised a child, been there, done that, know what I'm doing" and don't respect another parent's routine or concerns.
They are minor issues, but that is no reason not to mention them. If lots of minor issues go unresolved you could end up with a big issue. As long as you are polite, and calm, and just tell them what you want/need in a relaxed manner (boots off in kitchen, no drawing on coffee table, nappy off first thing etc) , then you would not be being unreasonable
I'm glad the general consensus is that I'm not being unreasonable . They keep on about looking after gs for a week at their place without us - can't really see that happening as don't feel they'll look after him properly.
They do definitely have the attitude that they know everything already. You're right that these things will snowball if they aren't addressed, so I'll get husband to mention them. He's been reluctant to as doesn't want to offend them, but now I feel IANBU so will push it.
They kind of have an 'open-house' policy at theirs with people always staying, so don't think they're particularly houseproud (although they have never cleaned in their lives - they're pretty well off and have a cleaner!).
YANBU- and you don't have to put up with them looking after your son badly either.
It's nice that they want to spend time with your son, but it doesn't give them the right to disrespect your house or parenting.
yanbu especially over them allowing your son to draw on the table. I would be livid. In my experience most older relatives are very laid back when caring for DC and let them do whatever they please. My older relatives scoff at the naughty step too and also thought I was mad changing DD nappies as soon as they were soiled, maybe its a generational thing? I'm not sure what you can do about it though. If they see nothing wrong with trailing muck into your house or leaving a toddler in dirty nappies they are unlikely to change now.
My older relatives scoff at the naughty step too and also thought I was mad changing DD nappies as soon as they were soiled, maybe its a generational thing?
also thought I was mad changing DD nappies as soon as they were soiled
you mean you change their disposable nappies after every single wee?
i also think you are mad
I retract my statement if your kids have a history of bad nappy rash
Why didn't you chase the child's nappy when he got up? You don't have to use them as childcare you know?
I changed the nappies when they were noticeably wet so probably not after every wee but I changed after every poo which my gran thought was crazy and no wonder DD was taking so long to toilet train (at 18 months, I hadnt started) as I was making her too comfortable.
I agree with PP that you are not BU. I recommend using shame to get them to manage behaviour. You can say that you understand it can feel intimidating to discipline another person's child, but that you really prefer that they do so and here are some tools for their behaviour management tool box. Say you were worried about speaking up about your friend's child's behaviour during play dates but soon got over it and realised it's in the child's best interest that you woman up.
Also, for what it's worth, my dd is nearly 2 and I change her nappy first thing, then mid-morning, before nap time, after nap, mid-afternoon, after tea, before bedtime. Unless she poops in which case I change immediately. So about every 3 hours barring poop. She poops on the potty about 60% of the time so I don't feel it's doing any harm.
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