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AIBU to tell ex that he can't have dd on Christmas Day because he's going on a bender on Christmas Eve?

(45 Posts)
18yearstooold Tue 09-Dec-14 21:17:44

He will still be drunk in the morning and will spend the afternoon either grumpy as hell or asleep

He's only asked today if she wants to go

She's said she thinks she should go because she's spent the last 2 at home (she's 11)

I've told him unless he stops drinking early, is not hungover and commits to a time to get her, then he can bog off


TimelyNameChangey Tue 09-Dec-14 21:19:16


Unless he's a violent alcoholic?

She wants to go. I thought DD must be a toddler from the title and the first part of the OP! At 11 she should be fine.

loona13 Tue 09-Dec-14 21:19:38

No, YANBU at all.

HonestLie Tue 09-Dec-14 21:19:42

I think at her age she's old enough to make her own mind up and you should step back from the situation and let her make her own choice to be completely honest with you.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Dec-14 21:20:04


You don't get to control him any more

Lots of people can function perfectly well after a drink the night before, and nearly everyone I know has a sleep after Xmas dinner.

She's 11. Let her go and if she doesn't enjoy it, she won't go next year.

IsabeauMichelle Tue 09-Dec-14 21:20:11

Whilst I totally understand... I think you are being unreasonable I'm afraid. He is just as much her parent as you are. As much as it sucks.

loona13 Tue 09-Dec-14 21:21:17

She said she thinks she should go

18yearstooold Tue 09-Dec-14 21:21:37

I would give her the choice if I didn't think he was driving over the limit on Christmas morning

She hasn't said she wants to go, she's said she thinks she should go

HonestLie Tue 09-Dec-14 21:22:06

How about telling her if she wants to go it's fine by you but if she decides she wants to leave that's fine too.

DixieNormas Tue 09-Dec-14 21:22:56

It depends, is it just because she spent the last two at home so she now feels that she has to spend this one with her dad, or does she actually want to go.

loona13 Tue 09-Dec-14 21:23:18

But it also depends how he usually behaves after night of drinking.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Dec-14 21:23:30

Well I agree she should go, unless she's absolutely going to hate it.

As for the driving thing, YANBU.

He'll have to find another way to pick her up.

HonestLie Tue 09-Dec-14 21:23:45

With her in the car? Well that would be completely irresponsible and dangerous but unfortunately it's only what you think he will do. You don't know for certain. Could you drop her off to eliminate that possibility?

TheEnduringMoment Tue 09-Dec-14 21:25:58

Get a breathalyser and tell him she won't be getting in the car unless he passes.

Bit of a drip feed actually OP - a hungover parent is a judgement call, but you're not going to get anyone arguing that you should send your DD off in a car driven by someone still over the limit.

meandjulio Tue 09-Dec-14 21:26:01

'she's said she thinks she should go'

Well, good, she thinks about her family and her relationships with them. She must be well brought up smile

To be honest, would she say to you 'I really want to go to Dad's'? Once my parents split I never told either of them that I wanted to see the other one.

18yearstooold Tue 09-Dec-14 21:26:12

She's said she 'should' go -she's incredibly fair minded

If she goes and then wants to leave it means me leaving dd1 at home on Christmas Day while I do the 2 hour round trip -dd1 is NC with their dad (my dds have the same father but very different relationships with him)

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Dec-14 21:28:24

I'm guessing DD1 must be at least 12 and old enough to be left at home?

It's lovely that she's incredibly fair minded

Can you imagine how hurt you would feel if she only wanted to spend Xmas with her Dad and never gave a thought to you?

HonestLie Tue 09-Dec-14 21:28:34

OP have you made up your mind she isn't going?

18yearstooold Tue 09-Dec-14 21:28:42


How is it a drip feed?
I thought I mentioned in my first post that he would still be drunk in the morning?

Sorry if I've caused confusion

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Dec-14 21:30:06

But also, how do you know that her 'should go' doesn't = 'I want to go, but don't want to upset mum by saying so'?

TheEnduringMoment Tue 09-Dec-14 21:31:07

You said he'd be drunk, but not that he'd be driving her, which is clearly the most important fact - sharing Christmas Day with a grumpy hungover parent is crap but won't kill you - being driven by someone over the limit really could.

HonestLie Tue 09-Dec-14 21:34:06

Ok, how do you know he'll still be drunk? How do you know his Christmas Eve plans? Does he have issues with alcohol? Have you asked your daughter if she wants to go vs feels obliged to go? Is the grumpy analogy hers or yours?

Tbh I think you need to give some background here.

18yearstooold Tue 09-Dec-14 21:34:34

I've not made up my mind she's not going

If he wasn't going out the night before it genuinely wouldn't be a problem

We have a very relaxed Christmas here, eat what you like, no expectations, chill out day -I've got the whole school holidays off so if she wants to go that's fine

My issue is that he's going out, will get very very drunk and will hen drive to pick her up at an unspecified time because he doesn't know what time he will get home

If he was going out for a couple of early-ish drinks and gave her a time that he was coming to pick her up it wouldn't be a problem

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Dec-14 21:39:25

Then why isn't you thread and title all about drink driving? confused


You need to make 100% that if she's going to go, she gets picked up by someone sober.

18yearstooold Tue 09-Dec-14 21:39:34

Enduring -apologies, he always drives her, I forget i'm not talking to people that know me sometimes

I know his plans because he's told dd he is going out straight from work on Christmas Eve

I am assuming he will still be drunk because on past form he won't eat, will drink to excess to the point he is vomiting and then pass out

He will be grumpy because he hates Christmas and will also be shattered -not a good combo

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