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Would I be unreasonable to say no to this request from my brother?

(205 Posts)
Ilovechocspread Tue 09-Dec-14 19:43:08

My brother and his wife of 14 years split up a few months ago. This was all very unexpected and sudden to the rest of the family. I have struggled to understand this as very little detail was given for the reason of the split. This is fine as I totally understand it is private between them both.

My brother already has a new girlfriend who he has completly fallen in love with. I have never seen him so happy. But I still feel very loyal to my sister in law and we are very good friends. So for this reason I have had no desire to meet the new girlfriend.

Anyway today he has asked if he and the new girlfriend can come over near Christmas to give presents to my DC and for her to meet me. I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady. My first thought was to say no as I just don't feel ready to move on from how it used to be. I don't feel ready to meet her yet even though I know none of the marriage break down was her fault.

So would I be unreasonable to say no I'm not ready yet or would this start me off on a bad foot with the new girlfriend? If you were in this situation either as me or the new lady how would you feel? Any thoughts much appreciated.

Mrsstarlord Tue 09-Dec-14 19:46:51

Cant you be friends with both? confused

Seems a little unfair on him and the new girlfriend to shut them out like this. Unless there is something we don't know. How is SIL about the split?

PureMorning Tue 09-Dec-14 19:50:07

You seem over involved.
You can be friends with both.

simbacatlivesagain Tue 09-Dec-14 19:50:42

How old is your child?

Leeds2 Tue 09-Dec-14 19:50:56

I would have them round, yes. And she is probably very nervous about meeting you!!

I would start to prepare your DC though, regardless of whether they visit or not.

HedgehogsDontBite Tue 09-Dec-14 19:51:19

YABU and are way over involved. Support your brother for goodness sake.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 09-Dec-14 19:51:20

Say you and your children aren't ready for this meeting, no excuse needed.

I didn't attend my Mother's wedding, neither did my children, as I felt completely uncomfortable doing so, my choice and it was respected by all concerned.

Mammanat222 Tue 09-Dec-14 19:51:30

Does SIL know about the new GF?

I completely understand your predicament. My SIL and bro have been together for
17 years and she is a dear friend so I'd struggle if they were to split suddenly.

Do they have kids?

happystory Tue 09-Dec-14 19:52:38

I think if you are close to your brother you should meet the new partner. It's a big deal for him (and her) this may be his future (second) wife and she may be in your life for years to come, don't get off on the wrong foot. It's not up to you really to feel not ready to move on, it's happened. But you can still be friends with sil.

ladeedad Tue 09-Dec-14 19:55:11

If you are close to your brother then your loyalty is with him, surely. Do what makes him happy...he's in the relationship, not you!

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 09-Dec-14 19:55:47

I haven't even told my DC that they have split up let alone the fact he has a new lady.

A reason why they aren't welcome yet?

clam Tue 09-Dec-14 19:56:59

I don't think you sound over-involved at all. Your brother has put you in this awkward position. I agree you could say, not just yet, as the split has all been quite a shock to the family.

Perhaps he could come over alone?

MaryWestmacott Tue 09-Dec-14 19:57:55

I would say no to your DCs meeting just yet.

But you should meet her if you can, it's a standard 'new relationship' thing, meeting the family. Can you arrange to go for a drink/meal with them both?

If she wasn't part of the split, go with an open mind. She might be part of your family for a looonnnggg time, remember, you like your exSIL, so your DB obviously picks woman you get on with. There's no reason this one will be any different.

SavoyCabbage Tue 09-Dec-14 19:58:36

The time has come to tell your dc as it looks like your brother is gearing up for the next stage.

magpieginglebells Tue 09-Dec-14 19:59:03

I think you sound over involved. There's no reason why you can't be friends with both.

pictish Tue 09-Dec-14 19:59:08

Um...totally over invested OP!
You don't need to be 'ready' to meet your db's new partner. You just accept it as the new way and get on with it...surely?

livvagterne Tue 09-Dec-14 20:00:03

it's a tightrope OP.

Ilovechocspread Tue 09-Dec-14 20:00:16

I'm not saying I can't be friends with both, I'm just saying I don't feel ready for it. That's fine if people say that's being unreasonable that's why I asked. I'm not really sure how I am being over involved, it's my family and he has asked to come over?

My sil and their Dc are deverstated

MrsHathaway Tue 09-Dec-14 20:00:53

I think it sounds suspiciously quick so I'd be hmm too.

On the other hand, I think you should meet her - just not with the specialness of Christmas being a factor. Just another Sunday before or after. Not appropriate for her to give your DC presents.

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Dec-14 20:01:00

Good grief, this not all about you. Talk about being over invested in someone else's relationships.

Viviennemary Tue 09-Dec-14 20:01:14

It's up to you. Personally, I'd say no to the meet up for presents at your house. I might go for a drink somewhere to meet his girlfriend after Christmas but that's as far as I'd go. Honestly, new girlfriend after few months split from wife of 14 years. I know we shouldn't judge but Honestly!!!

Shakey1500 Tue 09-Dec-14 20:02:12

I also agree you're over involved and see no reason why you can't be friends with them both. Also agree in filling in your DC

CleanLinesSharpEdges Tue 09-Dec-14 20:04:27

You say you've never seen your brother so happy.

So be happy for him and meet the woman that has made this happen.

Ilovechocspread Tue 09-Dec-14 20:04:37

I'm not making it about me but he has only just got with this new lady after being with someone else for such a long time. Would no one else find it a bit weird to be meeting her yet?

Mrsstarlord Tue 09-Dec-14 20:05:40

I think it might be an idea to ask your brother over first to actually talk to him about the split and your torn loyalties. Perhaps do this without saying no to the visit from them both and decide, with him, how you are going to support him in a way which suits you both.

I think it may also be time to tell your kids as your brother sounds like he has moved on already (perhaps he has been thinking about it for a while)

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