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In not taking 2 year old dd to see dh family at xmas?

(44 Posts)
CountingThePennies Tue 09-Dec-14 12:21:10

MIL and BIL live 2 hours drive away one way. This is without any delays with traffic etc.

We very rarely see dhs family. They never come to us (they both have a car) and tbh we always go to them when we do see them.

We trvel to see them maybe twice a year.

I have always felt that when they have see dd that they take no interest in her.

Every year we take dhs mum, brother, nephew and grandfather out for a xmas meal.

It works out very expensive when we do this and i sort of resent taking everyone out when we dont get anything back. They have never bought dd a card or gift etc.

Dhs grandfather lives 3 hours away from mil and bil but 1 hour 20 mins away from us. Grandad has said he doesnt want to travel all that way for a meal driving on his own. Dh has suggested we pick him up on the way to mil so grandad would only have to drive an hour or so rather than the 3 hours.

Doing this would mean doing an extra half hour detour each way making the total time in the car 5 hours.

We have suggested they come to us but they always say they cannot afford the fuel so we would have to pay their fuel to come to us as well as pay for the meal out.

Anyway my point is that i think 5 hours in a car in one day for a just 2 year old is too much.

I dont feel dd gets any benefit from seeing them as they dont take any interest in her or talk to her etc.

My mother has offered to have dd for the day (she lives 5 mins away from us).

Dh is not happy that i have agreed for my dm to have dd for that day.

Dh says that his family will want to see dd for xmas and its not fair to not take her.

Is dh being unreasonable to expect dd to sit in a car for 5 hours when imo she doesnt get any benefit from it.

Or aibu to leave dd with my mother and me and dh travel down on our own?

CheeseandGherkins Tue 09-Dec-14 12:34:56

I wouldn't go at all under those circumstances.

Tinkerball Tue 09-Dec-14 12:35:43

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable in wanting his family to see your DD but have you actually td him how you feel about their lack on interest in her? This is s conversation you should be having with him.

redskybynight Tue 09-Dec-14 12:38:44

So you go to see them twice a year, and they never come to see you. Doesn't sound like a huge amount of effort on either of your parts tbh.

On the basis that DH's family do want to se DD, why have none of you been more proactive in arranging visits? 2 hours away is hardly a huge distance.

Why do you always pay for Christmas dinner? Why do you always go there and back in a day (is there room to stay over)?

On the face of it is seem very unreasonable not to take DD to see her grandparents who she sees infrequently. On the basis she is 2, presumably she won't have been old enough to understand much about Christmas in previous years anyway, so lack of present not such a big deal?

On the other hand, 5 hours in a car is a long way, can DH maybe go and get grandad the day before and him stay overnight, or even DH just drive home and get the rest of you.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Dec-14 12:39:18

Why doesn't your DH take her to see his family?

5hrs should be ok with a little break.

CountingThePennies Tue 09-Dec-14 12:39:18

Oh yes dh is fully aware that they dont take an interest in dd.

He says that they are interested in her but just dont show it, its just the way they are according to him.

willowisp Tue 09-Dec-14 12:41:10

I would say you're doing xmas different this year & invite them all to your house.
See how interested they all are then.

mameulah Tue 09-Dec-14 12:41:16

I think you have to suck it up. I would change the meal plans though. Maybe take a cake or do a take away or something.

SpicyBear Tue 09-Dec-14 12:43:11

I think YANBU. Maybe if you've not experienced it it is hard to imagine having GPs with no interest in their GCs. Having had a set of GPs like that myself I'd really have preferred not to see them than be dragged there regularly to directly experience their indifference.

willowisp Tue 09-Dec-14 12:43:12

How old is grandad ? Can DH collect him the night before so he can stay over ?

Most things are doable, just whether people want to do them or not !

LadyLuck10 Tue 09-Dec-14 12:44:46

You see them twice a year. I think suck it up. 5 hours with a break is perfectly doable. Your DH isn't being unreasonable.

CountingThePennies Tue 09-Dec-14 12:44:49

The reason why we take them out for a meal every time we go down is because dhs family are very very heavy smokers. They will think nothing of smoking in front of children. They also have the most disgusting house i ve every seen and will honestly tell you they have not cleaned in many years.

This is why i dont like going to their actual houses as the smell just hits you when you walk in.

Everytime we see them we always take them for a meal and then travel back home so we dont have to go into their houses.

CountingThePennies Tue 09-Dec-14 12:45:41

Grandad is 84 i think

CheeseandGherkins Tue 09-Dec-14 12:45:46

Most things are doable, just whether people want to do them or not !

That is so true. I've given up bothering with some people now as they didn't care one bit and NEVER put themselves out for us.

If op is paying for the meal and travelling for not much of a reason then I just wouldn't go. What's the point? Also, they expect money for fuel in order for them to visit you? Seems very one way to me.

MoonAndBackAgain Tue 09-Dec-14 12:51:02

If you have been twice this year what is the difference between driving down then and doing it at Christmas?

CheeseBuster Tue 09-Dec-14 13:02:15

I wouldn't go at all but if DH want to take dd then I'd let him.

CountingThePennies Tue 09-Dec-14 13:02:44

Last time we took dd she was moaning and wriggling around in her seat after an hour or so and it was hard work trying to entertain her.

I would state that meal is at yours or local to you, maybe dh could collect grandad and return him later or next day but yes the offer is there ball in their court.

CocobearSqueeze Tue 09-Dec-14 13:20:33

I wouldn't go. Invite them over.

CountingThePennies Tue 09-Dec-14 13:22:03

So would you invite them over and then pay for their fuel too?

Littleturkish Tue 09-Dec-14 13:24:16

Don't go, let your DH go on his own.

ASunnyTiger Tue 09-Dec-14 13:27:36

Do they genuinely not have the money to come see you or do they just not want to spend it?

RunnerHasbeen Tue 09-Dec-14 13:27:49

Paying for their fuel is surely the same as paying for your own fuel to get there (less if you are having to do a detour for Grandad). I would definitely take that option, your time is worth more that the principal of that and you can perhaps choose a slightly cheaper restaurant if you are on your own turf?

Pengyquin Tue 09-Dec-14 13:27:50

I'd invite them to yours. You have a child now.

The invitation is there.

And i'd just make a meal. Save on the expense all round

2 hours is not a long journey though. My parents live a 6 hour journey away and we go about every 12 weeks with a 2 yr old and a baby.

RunnerHasbeen Tue 09-Dec-14 13:29:25

Or meet halfway? Is there anywhere to eat/town at the sort of midpoint?

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