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To think my PILs are total idiots?

(111 Posts)
19lottie82 Tue 09-Dec-14 10:48:28

My DHs parents rent a house with a large shed that hey have converted into a small stable block which they in turn rent to a woman so her horses can be kept there at night, there are no other equestrian facilities there.

His parents, well DF in particular has a bit of a history of being selfish and not really thinking about the consequences of things. They have two other children who are NC for various reasons and my DH does lots for them, going out of his way all the time, which IMO they never really seem to appreciate.

Anyway. DH has two girls DSD10 and DSD14, who live with us half the time and their mother half the time. We stay about 8 miles away and their mother 3 miles away from the PILs.

FIL calls DH last night, can you come round tomorrow after work? Why asks DH. Oh we've bought DSD10 a PONY, it's just been delivered and we want to give it to her! WTAF?

First off DH is absolutely fuming no one spoke to him about this and that aside the practicalities include

1) DSD has never shown anything more than a general ten year olds interest in riding. She likes to ooh and ah when we see horses, but has only been for three lessons in her whole life. She does not know how to ride a pony or care for one. (Neither do my PILs) she has no clue about safety related matters nor does she own any equipment.

2) she already goes to dance classes which take up two nights a week 5-830 and all day Saturday.

3) neither us, or her mum stay within walking distance of the PILs, so do they expect us to run her to and from it twice a day maybe more? PILs will not assist with this, I know this for a fact.

4) the house that they rent is far too big for the PILs and ey constantly talk about giving it up and buying a small bungalow as my PIL is VERY overweight and is finding the stairs more and more of a struggle all the time. What will happen to the pony then?

5) the PILs have said they will cover the costs of keeping the pony but tbh I don't think they appreciate how much this will amount to! FIL is not short of a bob or two but he is known for getting very irate at the cost of things, and I think he will be in for a nasty shock.

We think the woman who owns the two horses who are kept there at night may have agreed to help a bit, but the situation is still totally ridiculous. Due to my husbands work and the fact that time is split 50/50 with their mother and the girls dancing we don't get enough quality time with the girls as it is, making multiple 18 mile trips every weekend we have the kids, just won't work.

When DH asked his parents what they were thinking and said it was a bad idea his DF called him all the names under the sun, accused him of not caring about his daughter and said its here now, it can't go back.

I'm just speechless. How can they even think for one second that this is a good idea?

Please tell us we ANBU!

HowMuchMoreWee Tue 09-Dec-14 10:50:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

19lottie82 Tue 09-Dec-14 10:51:45

Ironically enough my DP is allergic to hay!!!!!

Littleturkish Tue 09-Dec-14 10:53:45

No. No no no no!!!

Miggsie Tue 09-Dec-14 10:54:33

I feel sorry for the pony to be honest.

This is a ludicrous present to buy a child who isn't that bothered. Horses are a huge expense and take a great deal of work to look after them.
This is definitely a case of find who sold it to your parents and ask them to take it back on the grounds it won't get the right care, go direct to them, don't involve the PIL - the pony will likely end up neglected by your PIL and I can't see how you can be expected to visit twice a day to do all the horse maintenance it requires.
Most breeders will take back a horse if they realise it won't be looked after.

This present is to show how great your parents are with no consideration to you.

Consider going NC with them.

tracyrobo Tue 09-Dec-14 10:54:44

You ANBU. Is he insane? How dare he do this without speaking to you first. This is not just a pet it is a massive responsibility for your DD who has not even shown any interest in having a pony. Lunacy!!

Tell him he has to send it back or find it another home

DoubleValiumLattePlease Tue 09-Dec-14 10:54:52

shock YANBU at all. Not at all. I can't conceive of the idiocy that would think this half-arsed plan was in any way viable! What does DH think you should do?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Tue 09-Dec-14 10:55:27

"It's very kind of you to get her such an extravagant gift, I'm sure you know and understand that with her dancing and school commitments, she wont be able to come over more than once a week to see it."

Also, yes your PIL are total idiots. I have no clue what else you can do, other than simply say to them that you are unable to help care for a pony and you hope they can find someone to look after it/they can look after it.

And yes, it absolutely can go back where it came from!

Jackie0 Tue 09-Dec-14 10:55:58

Jesus what a nightmare.
Quite a controlling thing to do imho.
Well the poor pony will have to be returned or resold straight away.
Be firm on this , if they manage to guilt trip you into accepting this you will have massive problems ahead, as you say yourself.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 09-Dec-14 10:56:22

So NBU, who the fuck buys a pony with little knowledge on how to look after them.

Shetland Tue 09-Dec-14 10:56:58

Just don't do it. They got it they can sort it. Horses take up masses of time and money - I expect reality will set in pretty quick, especially if DSD isn't really bothered in the first place.
Do they know about horses? How do you know this horse is going to be safe for a complete beginner?

Have they thought about how DSD14 might feel about this?
And what does the girls' mum think - does she even know?!

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 09-Dec-14 10:57:35

IMO and speaking as a horse owner by proxy - eg dd's pony, they are bang out of order.
I only bought a pony for DD after she had spent a couple of years doing the hard stuff and learning from a qualified and experienced friend.
I also would not have bought it if I had not spent several years as a full time groom when younger.
The shoes are at least sixty quid a set btw. And hay is a terrible price.
How will they know if the pony is ill.?
Are there fields for turnout.?
It is downright cruel to keep a horse with no turnout.
How will they know how and what to feed it?
A shockingly bad idea

NotYouNaanBread Tue 09-Dec-14 10:58:20

Don't engage or participate. Don't
start with dd going over to help or even ride it. Make it clear to the pil's that you cannot accept the gift and that if they choose to keep the unfortunate animal, then that!: up to them but has nothing to do with you and don't enter into debate or compromise about what happens next.

Shetland Tue 09-Dec-14 10:58:54

And Jeez - I was pissed off enough when my in laws bought DD3 a hamster without asking us first!

Vycount Tue 09-Dec-14 10:59:09

Flu and Tetanus injections, farrier every 6 weeks or so even if not shod, worming, up to a bale of hay a day if it snows, access to grazing... is the pony safe for riding or even handling by children? If riding does anyone know how to groom it and tack it up? You need to pay for someone to fit a saddle, can't just slap any old thing on. Will possibly also need hard feed, you need to know what sort. If kept in overnight will need mucking out daily - add cost of shavings or maybe straw. If kept in 24/7 for any period due to bad weather will need mucking out twice a day, and visiting and feeding as well.
It's a day in, day out commitment, even if the nice lady gives a bit of support. You can't do it, I'll tell you that now.
The sad thing is that the pony probably can't be sent back, so what's the future for it when it's the wrong time of year to sell? Sell cheap to an uncertain future? You can't send it to a rescue, they are all overflowing.
PIL is a fucking idiot.

lapetitesiren Tue 09-Dec-14 10:59:33

No.yanbu.send it back.ponies need a huge amount of dedication and finance and are emotional creatures that form attachments. Your children will love it and then not want to part with it no matter what change in curcumstances. A child who wants a pony needs to demonstrate a huge committment beforehand. They usually need attending to at least twice a day. Feeding,hoofpicking,turning out/ fetching in.very irresponsible of them. But hey ho they can make the kids smile!

Jackie0 Tue 09-Dec-14 11:00:22

I don't think I would say " its very kind of you but " sorry ifyourhappy.
I think it wasn't kind at all, to both the ponyand the family.
I think it was done to make you reliant on them and indebted to them.

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 09-Dec-14 11:01:12

Buying something like that for one GD is weird and controlling

Taz1212 Tue 09-Dec-14 11:02:14

I'd be speechless too. DD rides but she knows there is absolutely no way we will ever go down the horse owning route! What a nightmare for you.

TwelveLeggedWalk Tue 09-Dec-14 11:05:21

YANBU, they're bonkers.

I feel sorry for the pony, being shunted around from house to house. Who's looking after it this week?

And I feel really sorry for your DD, who will presumably hear about it, then either think her GPs are mean for buying her a present she can't have, or her parents are mean for not letting her have a present, or feel guilty for not being able to look after it herself when it's not her fault at all.

TiggerLillies Tue 09-Dec-14 11:05:46

You must stop them giving it to her. Even if she is initially excited, I'd be really worried that they would use it as a clutch over her.

19lottie82 Tue 09-Dec-14 11:06:50

DSDs Mum is kind of us for it, but I know I'll get shot down in flames here, but she is fucking idiot too(sorry!).

I think they will obviously be expecting the girl who keeps the other two horse there to help with it but she won't be able to do everything. And the idea that we will be able to run our lives around this pony is a total no go.

As I've said, I really think my PILs will have downsized in a year, two tops, so what will happen then?

pILs have said its not going back, and DSDs mother seems up for it too ( she's a recovering alcoholic so part of me thinks she wants to make DSD happy right now without considering the long term) so my DH has made it clear that he won't be getting involved and its their responsibility.

We just feel sick at the thought of the long term implications / cost / heartbreak, for the sake of seeing how happy she is for an hour or so when it's handed over. And I know whatever happens, at the end of this all DH is going to end up looking
I've the bad guy.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Tue 09-Dec-14 11:10:05

Then leave the in-laws and DSD's mum to sort it out between them.

19lottie82 Tue 09-Dec-14 11:10:30

PS also, I look forward to seeing what DSD14 gets for Xmas...... £50 in a card is the usual.

19lottie82 Tue 09-Dec-14 11:11:24

Hoppy......... That's the plan, but I just hope my DH will have the balls to stick to it.

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