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To say 'no' to extra guests at Christmas?

(75 Posts)
IsChippyMintonExDirectory Mon 08-Dec-14 21:53:15

We are having MIL and my grandad over for Xmas dinner. I'm cooking and have bought all the food. Got a call from BILs ex-GF tonight to tell me they were coming to ours with their 3.5 yo DD - i.e. Our niece - and yes I was told not asked! The exact words were "looks like you'll have to make room for us as well as MIL on Christmas Day as we have nowhere else to go".

Here's a bit of relevant background - BIL (DHs brother) and his ex-GF split up around 3 years ago when DNiece was 6 months old. However they still do most things together as a family and come to family gatherings together. We all love the ex-GF but when her and BIL are together it almost always ends in a blazing row or at the very least snippy uncomfortable arguing. So we dread when they are going to be together somewhere as it's got to a point where they hate each other but still want to have equal time with their daughter so tolerate one another. The rest of us have to suffer the bad atmosphere (which will be worse now as BIL has just found a new girlfriend).

Their 3.5 year old and my 18 month old don't get along - that sounds ridiculous I know as they're toddlers, but they both get on with every other toddler they meet but they seem to rub each other up the wrong way. Neither of them are willing to share (especially my DD) and it takes about a minute for almighty tantrums to start once one has a hold of the others' toys. Also DNiece is starting to push, hit and pinch DD and will also growl in her face and last time we saw her she had a chest infection and caught her purposefully coughing in DDs face (ie forced coughing). Her behaviour is never corrected by her parents. And before I get flamed, I'm aware this is probably normal 3yo behaviour, and my DD may well be doing these things at that age - I don't have an issue with DNiece, I'm just trying to paint a picture of how stressful and unenjoyable it can be when the kids are together as I feel I'm always saying "no, play nice" constantly and both of them go away in tears.

Also re Xmas dinner - we only have space for 4 people round our table, I only have 4 chairs and 4 plates etc in our dinner set. We have bought all the food and don't really want to fork out 50% more - we haven't asked MIL and grandad for money they are just bringing drink, and wouldn't want to start asking people to contribute towards food.

The last few Christmases have been rubbish for me. Last year we were abroad and missed family tremendously, the year before that my dad died 2 days before Xmas and the year before that we were at my mums where there was an almighty fall out. I really want a relaxing and perfect Xmas, and want DH and DD to have the same. DD may be too young to remember it, but she still has to experience it and I want her to enjoy the day by herself and, for one day in the year, have a share-free day when her toys are her own (I know how precious and superficial that's sounds but it's how I feel and how I want to remember her first 'proper' Christmas).

So WIBU to say no to Xmas dinner guests? I didn't say yes btw I said I would call her back as was putting DD to bed (haven't called her back yet!)

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Mon 08-Dec-14 21:55:25

Also forgot to say that they were meant to go to ex-GFs mums but she cancelled. They both have their own homes and can cook themselves (they're in their 30s and very capable of making a roast). So I am leaning towards telling her no as she can make dinner herself in her own home

BlackeyedSusan Mon 08-Dec-14 21:56:06

say no.

get h to say no to bil.

VegasIsBest Mon 08-Dec-14 21:56:35

How can you have bought all the food already?

Whatsthewhatsthebody Mon 08-Dec-14 21:57:36

Gosh you are a nice person.

The words 'fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more might work.'

Alternatively it's 'no very sorry but we can't possibly accommodate you. Have a lovely Christmas. Goodbye.'

MinceSpy Mon 08-Dec-14 21:57:46

Just say no. No further explanation needed.

Lariflete Mon 08-Dec-14 21:58:13

That sounds horrendous. Phone back and say they can't come. Not sure about how to do it tactfully but firmly as I am not very good at tact very good at firm though wink

Viviennemary Mon 08-Dec-14 21:58:26

Just say no. They do have somewhere to go. Their own home. I really don't know why anyone puts up with this nonsense.

CMOTDibbler Mon 08-Dec-14 21:58:28

YWNBU at all to say no. Well 'thats not going to work for us' would be better than NO. But just don't give any reasons they can get round - like plates 'oh, we'll bring some' etc

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Mon 08-Dec-14 21:59:28

Vegas I am uncharacteristically organised this year! mobbed the pigs in blankets in Aldi and we managed to acquire 2 freezers in the house so stuck all the food in there til nearer the day!

MumsKnitter Mon 08-Dec-14 21:59:38

Absolutely call her back and tell her that you want a quiet Christmas and that she isn't invited. Cheeky mare. Don't get caught up in discussion, just keep repeating the oft suggested "That doesn't work for me".

Why shouldn't you have a lovely relaxing Christmas?

YouTheCat Mon 08-Dec-14 22:00:26

Definitely say no and tell them it's because of their behaviour.

They can cook their own dinner and bicker in their own homes.

SmallBee Mon 08-Dec-14 22:00:45

YANBU!! Say no, for all the reasons listed. Be strong & don't cave!

Gatehouse77 Mon 08-Dec-14 22:01:29

Of course you can say, if you're willing to accept the consequences.

Maybe it's worth asking your DH to speak to his brother and explain the issues you've raised here? Specifically the lack of space and crockery - perhaps they could join you for pudding? Depends how your day is organised.

Our family pause between the main meal and pudding to do presents - means you can make room for pud!

Altinkum Mon 08-Dec-14 22:03:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Mon 08-Dec-14 22:06:37

Absolutely say no. If they aren't happy that's not your problem. You are not responsible for their Christmas.

ChasedByBees Mon 08-Dec-14 22:06:42

Just no. No no no.

WooWooOwl Mon 08-Dec-14 22:08:59

I can see why you'd want to say no, but this is exactly the problem of Christmas.

I don't think I could tell my DH that his brother wasn't welcome in our home on Christmas, or tell my mil that I am the reason she has to miss the opportunity to have both her sons together on Christmas, or tell my child's uncle, aunt and cousin that they weren't welcome with their family on Christmas.

Chairs and crockery don't really matter. People do.

ChrisMooseAlbanians Mon 08-Dec-14 22:10:18

No!! Tell her to get fecked!!

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 08-Dec-14 22:11:43

If you know they cant behave then absolutely tell them no.

YouTheCat Mon 08-Dec-14 22:12:23

Yes, woowoo, but why should the OP and her child have a really shitty Christmas because her bil and his ex gf can't manage to behave like adults for one day?

mamasilla Mon 08-Dec-14 22:15:40

I'm surprised of the replies! I would never deny anyone the chance of sharing a Xmas dinner with us... It's an important day and she wants to spend it with you.

Tell her that if they argue you are entitled to kick them out grin

waithorse Mon 08-Dec-14 22:16:49

Just say no. Doesn't sound a good situation.

ZenNudist Mon 08-Dec-14 22:28:15

Offer to come to theirs instead? Say you will provide some of the food by way of a contribution. See how she likes thatgrin

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 08-Dec-14 22:31:49

" I was told not asked! The exact words were "looks like you'll have to make room for us as well as MIL on Christmas Day as we have nowhere else to go"."
Even without the rest of the details, that alone would be enough for me to tell her to take a hike. I don't take well to being told what to do.

You could be diplomatic and use 'that doesn't work for me'. I'm not sure I'd manage it. I suspect I'd ask her what the hell she thinks she's doing telling me how my Christmas Day was going to be. And then telling her to fuck off.

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