Another Xmas AIBU(24 Posts)
Xmas in our household consists of myself, dh and the dc having a quiet day, lovely family time, chilling in our p.j's and playing with the dc. As my mum lives very close by she comes over too but we are quite antisocial and prefer not to see any extended family or friends on Xmas day itself and visit either side of Xmas instead. I'm also quite introverted and struggle with small talk and hosting in general.
We've been really looking forward to Xmas this year as dh and I have been a bit like ships that pass in the night, I've started a new job working weekends and he works during the week so we haven't had a great deal of family time.
DM has told me today that a friend of hers is visiting for the next few weeks from abroad (will be here over Xmas) and although Xmas hasn't been mentioned I know that we'll be expected to have him over for Xmas day. He seems nice enough but I've only met him once and If I'm honest I feel really pissed off that we will not be having the relaxed day we planned.
I know it's not the end of the world, it's just one day etc etc and I'll just have to suck it up. I can't not invite them but AIBU to feel irritated that she doesn't seem to have considered Xmas or whether we are comfortable having someone we barely know when we wouldn't usually have any guests.
Poor thing if he has to spend Christmas alone in a hotel room.
Does it matter that you have your family day on Xmas Day itself?
Can you have your day of family focussed relaxedness on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day or New Year's Day….sack off something else. To my mind Xmas day should be the more the merrier.
(Is this your mum's new partner?)
Yes he's staying with DM, I wouldn't not invite him I just feel irritated that my DM doesn't seem to have considered Xmas at all and is assuming its fine for him to come here.
You're making an assumption and would probably be better off just asking her what his plans are for Christmas.
We enjoy a fairly quiet Christmas on the whole too so I do get where you're coming from - I host dinner though as a) it gets all the family in one place and b) I feel that it's on my terms and once it's out of the way I relish the quiet.
In your shoes I might suggest that we don't see each other on the day but maybe a pub meal on Christmas Eve/Boxing day instead?
I did ask why he's visiting over Xmas when he has a young family in his home country, she just said he doesn't celebrate Xmas due to his religion.
I can't uninvite her for Xmas day as we'd already discussed her coming here and we are close, she'll want to see her grandchildren. I'm sure in her head she just thinks it won't be a problem for him to come too.
she just said he doesn't celebrate Xmas due to his religion.
'What will he be doing when he is at yours then mum? If he isn't religious?'
'Oh. I thought he could some with me'
If she mentions him coming to yours just laugh and say "I really don't think he'd want to see us in our PJs!" and make it obvious that you're not going to change your plans for him.
He doesn't celebrate Christmas so there's no need for you to feel sorry for him, it's just a random Thursday as far as he's concerned.
He can either spend the day with your mum at hers, or she can come to yours without him, no guilt necessary.
If it was any other Thursday in the year would you feel obliged to host him?
What an odd set up.
I would say to your mum that she has changed the plans so you can see her on another day.
I think it's a bit off to intrude on your Xmas day with a stranger.
Fair enough if you already had a houseful. But you haven't.
As someone else said, why not have your quiet family day on Boxing Day/Xmas eve or whatever?
Well if xmas has no meaning at all to him, then he shouldnt have any problems with your mum leaving him on his own for a few hours while she comes to visit you.
You are already worrying about something that hasnt even been discussed. She hasnt even said she is bringing him over, and there is every chance that she has no intentions of doing either.
Easiest thing is to have a conversation about it.
I would just ask if, since he doesnt celebrate, would it be okay if she came along on her own? He might feel awkward anyway!
Yes I probably do need to have a conversation with her about it. Even though he doesn't celebrate Xmas it feels unkind leaving him alone while she is here.
I've just told dh & he's not overly impressed either so I guess I'll need to discuss it with her & take it from there- I feel obliged to have him here, he's always very hospitable when she visits him.
I suspect the friend might come from a background where a stranger would be taken along and made welcome regardless of a common bond so for me leaving him at home alone would be a big no no.
I do think under the circumstances, the OP not really enjoying social situations, that I would say to my mum - lets meet up another day.
But only because the OP struggles with social situations and for no other reason.
Yes cariad that's exactly it. His culture is very welcoming, last time DM visited him she went to a funeral, wedding and various other family events. I'm so far on the opposite spectrum that it's hard for me to feel comfortable around people I don't know- and I feel bad because I think DM will expect us to treat him how his family treat her & I understand that but it doesn't come naturally to me.
I don't think it matters whether he celebrates Christmas or not - its as much a cultural as religious festival and there will be nothing else do do anywhere.
So long as he is a good friend of your mothers and is prepared to take you as he finds you surely its more important to be welcoming as you'd wish to be welcomed, and to see your mum (and not fall out with her) than to stick to your old plan. Or could you have Christmas Dinner in the evening and invite them for that, so you can have the best part of the day on your own? Or for the morning, and an earlyish lunch, and let your mum know that you are feeling knackered and likely to want your own space after -say - 2.30?
It's very poor form to invite someone else to your house for Christmas Day - I think your mother has a nerve if that is what she has done.
I would assume he is not coming to yours as your mother has already told you he "doesn't celebrate Christmas" If he doesn't do Christmas then he won't be remotely bothered about spending the day on his own will he?
WHy can't DM spend the day with him at hers and just see you Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? I wouldn't want near strangers in my home over Christmas.
I think I live in the same kind culture as the visitor and knowing it as I do I can understand the dilemma. I used to be very shy and this scenario would have been a nightmare for me also but now Im very middle aged I can take it all in my stride and Christmas in this house means taking in any waif or stray my family find along the way. I love it and now cater for about 40 which is nothing compared to the 70 or 80 I have through the house at Eid. But that said - I can feel the OP's anxiety in her posts and I think she could be excused for saying to her mum - I just can't do this, Im sorry.
This is exactly the kind of thing my DM would do. I feel your pain.
I would make it Clara if your DM is bringing a friend with her it can only be for part off the day.
And just a thought, if you do decide to have your mum and her friend over I would leave it to later in the day, afternoon tea maybe. Asking them for breakfast then expecting them to leave wouldnt be acceptable as the guest would kind of no he was getting the bums rush.
Afternoon tea about 5'ish means bed time for the kids can kid of cut things short and make sure the entertaining doesnt go on until late evening.
It also means you could still be in pi's most of the day.
Yes I think later in the day maybe an option- we could host a late afternoon dinner then still have most of the day alone.
I really don't want to be unwelcoming- thanks all for your responses it has helped clarify things for me
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