I'm fed up with DH's family!(26 Posts)
Just to put things into context . . . I am 37 weeks pregnant, on maternity leave. We have a toddler and all my family live far away from us. Even worse now that DD and I have just joined DH outside the country where he works. Prior to this he was travelling to the UK every week [sometimes he would be in more than 3 countries in ones week - quite hectic for him]. PILs live 6 hours from us in the UK, they have another son who also lives abroad. The problem is that they always want to know absolutely everything - this is impossible! no matter how much we update them about anything they still feel left out.
FIL always wants to be in control of our lives - sometimes we only tell them so much because they make very nasty comments and are never really supportive. In any case, we are currently in temporary accommodation, waiting for our keys and also waiting for furniture from the UK. We have had to arrange so many things including trying to sort out tenants and getting our UK home ready, getting this new place ready, trying to find suitable nurseries for DD and of course nesting! This pregnancy also hasn't been the easiest.
Now, DH just got an email from FIL - yet another angry and rude one asking why he never responds to emails, particularly when they are trying to help us . . . I wasn't aware they were trying to help us, they have offered to buy something for the new baby but we currently haven't needed to buy anything at all as we are using all of DD's clothes and furniture. We have told them many times that we will see once we moved in what we need for the baby.
FIL also said it's important that DD knows that they think of her and he's annoyed that DH has not told them what to do with Christmas presents so they will do as they please! I have DD Skype with PILs every week as well as talk on the phone - she's 3. MIL has been sending emails to me with DH copied asking about Christmas. DH and I opted out due to being really busy with moving and the baby arriving before/just after Christmas, however we suggested they could go ahead and get gifts for DD and provided an address - a PO Box - they were worried things wouldn't arrive, so we gave them the actual home address [which we have already sent stuff to without issues]. MIL asked what DD would like and I suggested a few things she likes - all between £1 - £10. most of the Christmas stuff was via email but after skype with them last week i got an email from MIL saying they weren't going to bother with any of the "big" things i suggested, instead they would buy something small of their choice which can go in our UK letterbox since DH still has one more trip he can collect it. They will not send her anything before Christmas but will send a few other things of their choice after Christmas.
I didn't question anything. It sounded perfectly reasonable if that's what they wanted to do. They can be a bit awkward about doing things - including saying they will find it difficult visiting us because none of the 3 UK airports nearest to them meet their standards and they refuse to connect or catch trains in case people steal from them! I responded to MIL's email and told her it was fine and not to worry as DD is quite young she will barely notice if it's before or after Christmas. Then we get this angry email from FIL saying DH is not telling them what to do about Christmas. Unless I am missing something, we have suggested what they could do, they decided otherwise. DH wasn't going to respond to anything because he also spoke to them on the phone about this and he knows I emailed MIL and saw her responses about what they decided.
DH is generally non confrontational and PILs usually would rather hear from DH than me about anything, So we suspect they wanted DH to let them know exactly what to do rather than me - which is absurd! DH was going to email them and let them know that the arrangements discussed with me are just as valid and there was no need to say the same thing over and over again. A lot of the time he usually ignores these angry emails from his dad because they are usually quite ridiculous. For example when DH took his current job FIL shouted at him for not phoning them every time he travelled on a plane- granted he can take 8 flights in a week sometimes when he's really busy! There was a huge argument about how they would prefer to speak to him in an emergency etc. During my last pregnancy i had an mc, after we told them FIL called back to shout at DH about how he thought we called about mother's day and MIL was upset about no mention of mother's day [which wasn't till next day] and had gone up to their room! We had sent her some chocolate but apparently that wasn't enough, there should have been a card too.
Do we just ignore FIL's email or respond the way DH intended to. There's just so much going on at the moment. The strange thing is that they don't treat BIL the same way. Sorry it's long - there's just a lot of this type of stuff I'm just close to just stopping contact altogether BUT that probably means DH will barely speak to them because usually I have to remind him to call, birthdays etc. Or should DH be a bit more outspoken. How do people deal with parents like this without falling out? FIL is quite a bully - he hasn't spoken to his only brother and sibling for more than 35 years - as a result DH does not know his cousins and uncle - no other relatives from MIL's side. Last time he stopped talking to DH for more than 3 months simply because he stood up for me.
Would I be unreasonable to just not contact them since it's clear they would rather hear from DH? WWYD? Sorry this is long.
I think you are getting way too involved here. Stop giving them your headspace and let your husband deal with them.
He works away you say, travels a lot which means plenty time sitting around waiting for flights and time to respond to emails.
You will never change your inlaws, they are who they are, humour them, take with a pinch if salt and carry on as usual.
Why is BIL treated differently? Was there a show down? Or are they not as interested in him? I suppose he may have developed tactics for dealing with the PIL that could be useful to you.
If your DH wants to, he could just forward the strong of emails between you and his mum about Xmas and Xmas presents and leave it after that. Alternatively, he could just ignore the email as I doubt whether any communication will make any difference, your pils seem determined to see a slight in aything and everything you and your do or don't do so you are probably better off just refusing to engage.
Someone said on another thread that if you're damned if you do or you don't just make as little effort as you can get away with. I've tried to go NC with mine but it was just weird and actually made things worse. Like quite says you can't change them so just do as you please. They'll just drive you nuts if you let them get to you.
PILs have favourites, they always try to put DH down even in front of BIL. They never do the same to BIL.
I would cut contact totally and allow DH to control the relationship with his parents.
It sounds like your lives are already pretty overwhelmingly busy with house moves, international relocations, baby coming.
Like PP have said, ignore them, don't engage. It sounds like DH is pretty good at coping with them and it is you who is getting upset.
Just let it all go and look forward to Christmas without the drama.
I would cut contact totally and allow DH to control the relationship with his parents.
This. They are hugely disrespectful to you, so why bother?
As others have said, I'd hand the reins to DH. In our household, I deal with my family and DH deals with his - to the point that he had told his father not to phone/email me
especially if he is going to be an arse to me
Step back, disengage, concentrate on the huge amount of other stuff you are dealing with.
OP your DH has to deal with this, there is a reason both he and his brother have made the choice to work abroad.
You are 37 weeks pregnant with your second baby so realistically baby could arrive from 38 weeks onwards. Visiting by them should only be done when you and DH are both ready for it.
You were miscarrying and they stropped out about it mentioning mother's day which was the NEXT day!!!????? For that alone they deserve blasting. Never mind the rest of it. I can't believe you had to apologise. That's crazy. Is you dh aware of how f****d up that was?
If I'm honest I think you have been busy and disengaged because they are complete mutters - I would too. For the sake of harmony I'd say sorry there was a misunderstanding you thought they were telling you what they were doing and they were waiting for a response etc. But leave it at that. If they throw their toys out of the pram then leave them to it.
Don't engage with your il's anymore. Honestly you are better off without the stress.
i had an mc, after we told them FIL called back to shout at DH about how he thought we called about mother's day and MIL was upset about no mention of mother's day
That'd be reason enough to cut contact for me. I hope your DP hung them out to dry over it?
But with everything else as well –God, they sound utterly tedious and attention-seeking. Ignore them. Let your DH deal with it, or not. His choice.
Thanks for responses - I think I would be doing the right thing by cutting contact. I'll let DH deal with it.
I certainly won't be visiting it never ends well. They were suggesting they would come over but I told DH I've had enough for this year.
I think you are doing the right thing. You have to look after yourself
Just flag their emails as spam and you will never even receive them- that way you wont even be tempted to read or respond.
What are they like with your DD? Are they excited about DC2 arriving?
I think you'd be right to limit contact, for your own sanity!
When we told them I was preg with DD1 we were given the third degree - no congratulations just lots of questions, including whether she was planned!!
I didn't think they would like her but they seem to have grown to like her . . . Even though they are rude to me most times.
When we mentioned this pregnancy they managed to congratulate us but said they would have preferred a boy! They also keep telling us not to give the baby a name with Rs because MIL can't say them ....tempted to name her Raina Robin or something to that effect!
I agree, leave it all to DH, his parents his problem.
You have done your best but it will never be enough. I think by leaving it to your DH you can deny you are cutting contact with the evil P's (to them if they whinge) just leaving it up to him as you are busy with the kids!
Your DD can talk to them on SKYPE when Daddy is home, shame the internet signal is so dodgy in your new place eh?
Lol @ Rains Robin. That's a good one.
It sounds like they are deathly boring people with nowt else to do apart from live vicariously through your DH (and by extension, you).
YANBU - just back away from it let DH deal with it and try not to be immediately reactive to them just do what you think is fair and let them deal with it - all this feeling the need to pander to them is making it worse as you are giving them too much attention etc
As my BIL put it once when MIL was being tiresome "Looks like we're at Twatcon 1 again, so make sure the Beloveds do the talking."
Reading through this - I think you may have to start from the perspective that you will not be able to make them happy whatever you do. There may be no point at which you work out how to get this right for them. They sound very invested in the drama.
Sorry you're dealing with this, it must be the very last thing you feel up to with the baby so close.
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