Siblings at party

[Margaritte]

Posting here for the traffic, though I suppose it is an aibu in a way.

We are having a 'party' for ds today. Not sure if it's relevant, though we are on a very tight budget so party consists of 4 friends from school & DS's cousin. So 6 kids in total. We have bought a party pack from the entertainer with £5 vouchers we have had for a while . I am serving sandwiches, carrot sticks etc. So a tiny gathering really.

Have had a text message saying ' Hi there its mum here. Is it ok if older brother comes to the party to as he hope (ds) is having a good day

Do I say yes? No? I know they have at least 3 dc, so its not a palming them on to me for a few child free hours, if that makes sense?

[Margaritte]

Sorry, its meant to say its 'ds's friend mum here.

[WooWooOwl]

Do you want to say yes? Will you have enough food, party bags etc?

[whatsagoodusername]

I would say yes, assuming you have enough food and space, but do make it clear if he won't receive a party bag, etc, so expectations are set in advance.

[Trills]

Sorry, we're only having a small party and we've only invited DS's special friends

[tobysmum77]

If she is expected to stay then OK (my opinion). But is she intending to drop him? If so I'd just say no. Does she know she can just drop her DS?

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

It's perfectly ok to say no. I would. It just changes the dynamics of the party.
I think it is ok for the Mum to ask, she has been polite but you are allowed to say no.

I would reply.

Hi, I'm sorry but we are not having any extras at the party so (non invited brother) won't be able to come. I look forward to seeing (invited brother) later. Birthday boy or really excited. :-) Thanks

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

Typo. Birthday boy is really excited

[LadyLuck10]

I would say yes. Just let her know that you only have a set amount of party packs.

[Fabulous46]

I'd say no. I think it's incredibly rude to text and ask if a sibling can come when they haven't been invited.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Any betting the third child is also at a party so this way she gets a few hours child free.

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

I don't think it is rude to text and ask. Although, I wouldn't do it. Myself. The host genuinely might not mind or might have had a string of cancellations.

...but it's not rude to say no.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

Say no, cheeky mare. Say she's welcome to drop off the invited child but that you can't accomadate siblings.

[BikeRunSki]

I think it's cheeky to ask and perfectly fine to say no. At DD's 3rd party recently a family turned up with older sibling - completely uninvited and no previous discussion- and expected her to be fed and party-bagged! . As it happened there had been a cancellation, so we could manage.

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

I'd say no too. She's taking advantage. He can go to his own friends' parties.

[Bunbaker]

You could say "I'm sorry, but I have only catered for 6 children and there are only 6 party bags"

[Somethingtodo]

What does your gut tell you? Do you wished she had never asked as you are now uncomfortable having to respond? If so, just say no - and be proud that you have done what you want. I think it is really rude/cheeky to ask - bt worse as others have said are when they just drop off others without asking.

Kids parties are v stressful and v emotional - dont let her add to that. Say no now.

[Somethingtodo]

Never include explanations or excuses that they can snake around,,,,ie dont worry he wont mind not having a party bag -- or I will feed him before he goes.

[Margaritte]

Thank you for all replies. Yes, I do wish she never asked, and it put me in an awkward position. I'm recovering PND (though of course, to be fair, she doesn't know that)& it took a lot for me to help organise, clean, cook etc. Also we scrimped to get this party. Decorations were saved for last year, party bags were super cheap, made all food etc.We went with the truth, which was we didn't have enough party bags & all games were for 6 children etc.

However, still turned up with both ds's friend and his brother in tow, with brother fully excited to be at the party. I told his mum that he wouldn't have much fun & that we wouldnt want him to be bored sitting on the sofa. She persisted so I told him that there wouldn't be anything to do, and we didn't have enough party bags (very nicely, in a way for an 9yr old to understand) However, his mum kept saying 'you want to stay though, don't you ds?'

And so, faced with a 9 yr old child who would consider my fault if he couldn't come, we just let him stay. When his mum had gone, I told him that he could be my 'helper'. Luckily for him, someone was a no show, so he was able to join in anyway & take a party bag home.

However, all went well . Everyone had fun, kids stuffed their faces & danced. DS is super happy & that's what matters.

[jimmycrackcornbutidontcare]

Unbelievably rude. If you had wanted another or had room for another child at the party I am sure your DS would have liked it to be one of his friends. I would not invite the boy with this sibling again if his mother has no boundarys.

[Nanny0gg]

She wants to go Christmas shopping.

Say no.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Wow, she's rude. Can't believe it.

[Heels99]

You were very polite, however I think pp advice that if you give any reason then mother would snake around it was borne out. Just say no next time!

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

Too late NannyOgg it's already happened.

What a cheeky bitch, I have allowed siblings/cousins/friends in the past when mine were at the party age when I was in a position to do so but if I'd said no I would have expected that to be respected. I wouldn't be inviting this child again.

[Vycount]

"We went with the truth, which was we didn't have enough party bags & all games were for 6 children etc."
You were too nice. The truth was "Maybe next time. I'm a bit under the weather so the answer will have to be no, I'm really going to have to keep to the guest list".

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

Wim glad it worked out but you are going to have to work on you a
assertiveness skills. I don't know if it's an age thing but I've really got the hang of saying a definite 'no' - it makes things so much easier.
I agree with the poster down thread that said its better to give a simple NO rather than giving reasons or excuses. By the sounds of it though the mum was extremely pushy.

Any thing that I have got in the habit of doing when I'm put on the spot and asked to do something I'm unsure of is pause for a LONG time even if it's a bit embarrassing it gives me time to really think. I'm also happy to tell people that I'll let them know later.

I hate the feeling of being used.

Anyhow, the main the is that your DS had a lovely time.