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AIBU to not accept dp's parents' money?

(18 Posts)
splodgeses Sun 07-Dec-14 10:40:24

Basically dp and I are getting married.

It will be a simple affair as we really do just want the marriage side of things rather than the debt of a glorified party.

Anyway, dp's parents (as we are, I might add) are quite thrifty. It was a shock to both of us that they have even offered to put finances into our wedding kitty.

My problem is that, whilst we want a simple affair, there are a couple of things I would like to be part of our big day. We have booked an 'all in' package at a golf club (sounds horrid, but in fact quite beautiful)

So my problem is that they will dislike our choices for where money is spent on our wedding. I really would like dd and cousin to be wearing matching gowns as bridesmaids, and although my dress is not expensive, feel they would look at it as elaborate and condemn me for it.

Mil to be has already suggested I look through charity shops for my dress as they have often have some nice ones. And said that it doesn't matter about the bridesmaids.

Bare in mind that I have budgeted well, all 3 dresses I found only come to a little over £150!!

Fil to be has suggested that we get married in a registry office and just get guests to pay for their own meals at a local restaurant. (He doesn't yet know we have been paying for our ceremony-dinner and disco-photographer-included package for 6 months and will be for the next 6 until our wedding day)

However good their intentions, I feel that the day might be marred by their disapproving looks if we accept the money and continue with our plans as they stand. And I would feel forever indebted to them.

Besides it makes me feel awful that I have no parents who can make the same offer, like I bring less to our relationship hmm and I have always been financially independent!!!

So basically AIBU? Probably am confused

ticktactoegivemeago Sun 07-Dec-14 10:52:25

I wouldn't take their money. It's not worth the hassle.

Shesparkles Sun 07-Dec-14 10:56:06

Absolutely don't accept that money, sounds like it would come with a whole lot of hassle and heartache for you.
You've found all 3 dresses for £150-well done!! There will be people who will easily spend that on 1 outfit to come to your wedding.
Keep doing it your way and you'll have the wedding you want-and the golf club doesn't sound grim at all

PurpleWithRed Sun 07-Dec-14 10:58:41

Don't take their money unless they give you carte blanche to spend it on what you want. If they really want to give you something for your wedding ask for something completely different where it's safe to let them loose (although I can't think what!).

VodkaJelly Sun 07-Dec-14 10:59:55

Sometimes accepting money or help from somebody is a poisoned chalice. Dont take the money, carry on as you are if you think they will hold you to ransom over it.

Chumhum Sun 07-Dec-14 11:03:32

I'd talk to them, they might be offended if your turn down their offer. Just explain that you'd plan to be your usual frugal self but that there are a few things you'd like to do to make it special and you will of course be doing them in as financially efficient was as possible but it's a once in a lifetime day and you want to make it special.

AuntySib Sun 07-Dec-14 11:04:14

First of all, Why hasn't it already been mentioned that you have booked a venue and are halfway through paying for it?
This is such a big thing to be keeping quiet about, is it because you think they will disapprove?
It is important that you set the tone for your future relationship with them now, honesty and polite frankness are vital. Don't be afraid of expressing your own views, or making your own decisions. Your MiL might be thrifty, and there is no reason why she shouldn't make suggestions, but you don't have to treat her suggestions as an order, or agree with her on every point.
Are you really saying that you have found fyour own wedding dress and 2 bridesmaids dresses for $150 and she thinks you could get them cheaper in a charity shop? ( she is probably wrong about that if my local charity shops are any example).
I think you should tell her immediately that you have already booked the venue and bought the dresses. I can't get over how this hasn't been discussed- particularly if you don't have your own parents. Why are you not involving her more? Don't you talk to her?
I'd suggest you start involving her in the detail, like helping you research bargains online. That way, she gets to see what you have in mind, and any disapproving can be done before the wedding ( if indeed she vwould disapprove).
It would be rude to refuse the offer of a contribution, and would quite a rejecting thing to do , but ask her what they would like to pay for, eg the flowers, or the honeymoon, or rings. That way, it is a specific gift, and makes it clear that it doesn't give control over any other parts of the wedding.
But I am shocked at the lack of conversation about choices made so far. It could come across as if you are deliberately excluding your in- laws. If this is not the case, then I would be trying really hard to develop a warmer relationship.

splodgeses Sun 07-Dec-14 11:04:39

Thanks all smile

I really thought I WAS being pigging rude unreasonable after I read it through.

splodgeses Sun 07-Dec-14 11:07:54

This was an accidental double post AuntySib and the reason it hasn't been discussed is because dp was always the outcast in his family, so there has always been very little to no communication with them in truth.

They do not live locally and we were incredibly astounded by the unexpected call and offer

SaucyJack Sun 07-Dec-14 11:10:36


My dad was like this- he'd want to buy me something for the kids like shoes or coats, but would then follow me round the shop quadruple-checking whether it was it was really necessary and whether we could buy one cheaper in a charity shop.

It's easier and more dignified to just pay for your own stuff.

drbonnieblossman Sun 07-Dec-14 11:14:28

Money should be given graciously and without stipulation on how it's spent, or not at all. If their 'gift' comes with conditions, regardless of how subtly it's done, it's not actually a gift but a buy-in to YOUR day. Tell them thanks but no thanks.

LittleBairn Sun 07-Dec-14 11:22:43

Don't take the money otherwise their 'helpful' suggestions will become demands.

LittleBairn Sun 07-Dec-14 11:28:07

I don't find it shocking at all they don't know whats been paid for or planned. We didn't discuss our wedding plans with either of our parents, they weren't paying for it and I wanted the day to be a surprise.

SecretSquirrels Sun 07-Dec-14 11:30:26

Well to be fair they don't know what you already have planned do they?
Please talk to them as this could be a fence mending opportunity.
I would tell them you are very grateful for their offer but you already have the whole wedding sorted, however if they wish to give you money as a wedding present that would be wonderful.

MissBattleaxe Sun 07-Dec-14 11:30:40

OP- you sound very reasonable and level headed. Don't take the money if there are conditions are attached, and its sounds like they are.

You don't sound at all bridezilla-y, which is very refreshing, so go ahead and enjoy your day and hold your head high for paying your own way and making sensible modest choices, without doing it anyone else's way. Money is power.

5ChildrenAndIt Sun 07-Dec-14 11:31:04

Can't you say that you've budgeted for the wedding and don't want to be 'wasteful' by spending more - but you'd be blown away if they were to contribute to a honeymoon/house deposit/car.

GnomeDePlume Sun 07-Dec-14 11:51:34

YWNBU to politely decline their kind offer as you have everything in hand.

It is possible that this is their way of trying to build bridges. You can open the lines of communication by telling them about the things you have planned but IMO you would be best not to accept offers of payment.

Gem124 Sun 07-Dec-14 11:52:39

I wouldn't take the money and have the day exactly how you want without the guilt and just enjoy, you only do it once xx

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