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AIBU?

AIBU to not accept dp's parents' money?

20 replies

splodgeses · 07/12/2014 10:38

Basically dp and I are getting married.

It will be a simple affair as we really do just want the marriage side of things rather than the debt of a glorified party.

Anyway, dp's parents (as we are, I might add) are quite thrifty. It was a shock to both of us that they have even offered to put finances into our wedding kitty.

My problem is that, whilst we want a simple affair, there are a couple of things I would like to be part of our big day. We have booked an 'all in' package at a golf club (sounds horrid, but in fact quite beautiful)

So my problem is that they will dislike our choices for where money is spent on our wedding. I really would like dd and cousin to be wearing matching gowns as bridesmaids, and although my dress is not expensive, feel they would look at it as elaborate and condemn me for it.

Mil to be has already suggested I look through charity shops for my dress as they have often have some nice ones. And said that it doesn't matter about the bridesmaids.

Bare in mind that I have budgeted well, all 3 dresses I found only come to a little over £150!!

Fil to be has suggested that we get married in a registry office and just get guests to pay for their own meals at a local restaurant. (He doesn't yet know we have been paying for our ceremony-dinner and disco-photographer-included package for 6 months and will be for the next 6 until our wedding day)

However good their intentions, I feel that the day might be marred by their disapproving looks if we accept the money and continue with our plans as they stand. And I would feel forever indebted to them.

Besides it makes me feel awful that I have no parents who can make the same offer, like I bring less to our relationship and I have always been financially independent!!!

So basically AIBU? Probably am

OP posts:

Report

CountingThePennies · 07/12/2014 10:40

How much money have they offered?

formerbabe · 07/12/2014 10:42

Mil to be has already suggested I look through charity shops for my dress as they have often have some nice ones. And said that it doesn't matter about the bridesmaids

This is so depressing. Do your own thing and don't accept their money. Don't let them have a say especially your dress!

splodgeses · 07/12/2014 10:44

They have offered £800. Which makes me feel just terrible. It is a large family he has, and I actually have only 2 guests from 'my side'. So they offered it to help pay toward a larger room at the registry office because they know they wouldn't all fit in the standard. I wasn't brave enough to tell them about our current plans as the offer was sincere and we have been planning privately to avoid all of their money-saving 'input'

OP posts:

woodychip · 07/12/2014 10:44

Ask them if you take the money do they want you to spend it on a certain thing or spend it as you wish on your wedding? That will decide it, surely?

JT05 · 07/12/2014 10:44

If you can afford the day you want , go for it!
I would sit down and talk it through with the PILs and explain that it is all arranged and the expenses covered, but if they would like to contribute you would be delighted.
As PILs who contributed considerably, but were excluded from the arrangements of our DSs wedding, I would have appreciated a description of the arrangements.
Hope you have a lovely day.

oldgrandmama · 07/12/2014 10:45

Yes, stick to your original plans ...and gently, tactfully refuse the money.

Ohfourfoxache · 07/12/2014 10:45

I wouldn't want to accept money from them, but it's bloody difficult to say no unless your DP is on board. Actually, even with DP on board it can be hard to refuse without causing offence.

pregnantpause · 07/12/2014 10:48

Yanbu. A polite refusal, perhaps saying you've already bought what you want and no extra is needed. Feeling indebted is miserable. I know- I took pils money when they offered it for a house and have spent five years regretting it, I wish we'd bought a smaller house without their money- they look around my home and make suggestions for improvements. Because I feel like I owe them the home I don't challenge them. It's depressing

Velvetbee · 07/12/2014 10:48

Do you need their money to meet the cost of your planned wedding?
If not, could you/DP be up-front and say 'We've decided on blah, blah, it's so beautiful and we only intend doing it once, ha,ha. But we know that it might not be what you had in mind and we don't want you feel your money would be wasted...' Then tail off and leave them to go 'No,no we want you have a lovely day...' or to withdraw their offer, but I don't think they would.

Velvetbee · 07/12/2014 10:50

Don't refuse it outright that would be so rude.

Fabulous46 · 07/12/2014 10:50

I never understand why some parents gift money for a wedding and expect to have a say on what it's spent on. It's the couples day, their decision and their choices should be respected. We gifted money to DS who decided to go abroad to get married as DILs parents argued about every choice they made. It was a shame as they lost a lot of money on deposits etc. Think carefully before taking any money from them. I saw what DIL went through when her parents gifted money to their wedding and it wasn't nice. Her parents have never forgiven us for financing their wedding abroad, but I don't care, they had a day that made them happy!

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 10:54

What does your DP want to do?

splodgeses · 07/12/2014 10:54

I have explained to dp I find it difficult to even contemplate accepting their offer. But they are incredibly loving, caring people with such a family emphasis it makes me feel terrible either way.

Thanks woodychip that is probably the kindest way to steer the situation to a gentle decline.

I am wondering right now how to gently break the news that we have already made most of the plans. I believe they may have offered as, since our announcing the 'official' engagement, they have heard no more about an actual wedding.
In the next month or two we plan to send out 'save the date' kind of things.

Perhaps being cowardly just letting them receive one is the easier way of letting them know things are in hand

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 10:57

It's not for you to worry about telling your in laws, they are your DPs parents and they'd probably rather hear it from him.

splodgeses · 07/12/2014 10:58

Thanks VelvetBee

It is so difficult for me to do anything as either way I feel rude.

Decided to just tell them what you suggested though then be prepared to grit my teeth as they determinedly try to suggest things are indulgent or where we could save money and hope they are accepting of it on the day

OP posts:

splodgeses · 07/12/2014 11:01

I couldn't let dp take that momentous task on by himself. He has always been the outcast seemingly ill favoured of all his siblings, so I don't want him to be pushed back to that for being apparently rude and it does seem a kind of peace offering to him from them iyswim?

OP posts:

MsJupiter · 07/12/2014 11:04

Would it be possible to say that you've already made most of the main arrangements and paid for them but if they would like to make a contribution to xxx you'd be delighted? Therefore making them feel involved but without giving too much scope for interference?

My DPILs paid for the wine at our wedding which was lovely, FIL is really into wine so enjoyed choosing a white & red. It could be something like champagne, cars or something frivolous you wouldn't otherwise had have.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 11:07

Thought I was having a moment there 2 threads going confuses me OP

splodgeses · 07/12/2014 11:13

Yes FlossyMoss it shocked me too

I thought 'wow! I will read her post, it is almost exactly my problem' slaps self round head

The problem with trying to negotiate an area for the money to be spent is that they do not consider 'extras' necessary.

Mil pointed out that her bouquet was a bunch of flowers from the supermarket! No problem there, but it makes me feel as though they expect the same of us.

We truly don't want a glamorous event, but would like it to be special for us and dd to cement the starting foundation of our marriage. Also we obviously want all of his family to be included otherwise we would have gone with our original plan and held the simplest ceremony with just us and dd present

OP posts:

ILovePud · 07/12/2014 12:51

That sounds tricky OP, I think if it was me I'd thanks them for their generosity but say that you've already sorted most of it out and budgeted accordingly. If you do accept the money I'd do so on the very clear basis that it was ring-fenced for something, evening buffet, honeymoon etc. so that there'll be no sense of a right to comment on other areas under the guise that they're bankrolling it. It'd drive me mad too though, well intentioned or not they are being rude.

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