Step Kids and "Biggest Bedroom" politics(58 Posts)
The situation when we first moved into our 4 bedroomed house:
I had two kids aged 12 and 14 who lived with us full time.
He had two kids aged 15 and 17 who stayed with us every saturday night.
Therefore, as his two had to share the room one night a week, they got the biggest bedroom. My eldest was in 2nd to biggest and my youngest was in the smallest.
The situation now:
I have a 14 and 16 year old son who live with us full time.
He has a 17 year old son who visits almost every saturday night (but not always) and a 19 year old son who visits once in a blue moon.
AIBU to suggest to DH that we swap the bedrooms around allowing my eldest to have the biggest bedroom, my youngest to have the 2nd to biggest bedroom and his youngest to have the smallest bedroom with a pull out bed/bunks incase eldest stops now and again? Otherwise the biggest bedroom is just sat empty most of the time.
It frustrates me that I'm having to shop for space saving furniture for DS2's little bedroom when the bedroom next door has nothing in it but two single beds which are barely used.
I'm thinking of doing up the smallest room properly to DSS2s taste - making it "his own" rather than just the "big empty room he stays in on a saturday night" and if eldest visits, he can use the pull out bed or whatever - it's that rare these days that I don't see the issue really.
DH however can be rather volatile, especially if it involves his kids and this could well blow up into a hugee row if I dare to mention it so if there is any way I'm being unreasonable, please tell me so I can save myself the hassle!
Is the fall out worth my point or should I just leave things be?
I think you're right but if you think your DH will prob kick off then chances are, he will.
How do you get on w the DSS@17? Is there any way you could explain the situation to him and see if he would agree to a voluntary swop?
OR....... Will he be moving away to uni or similar shortly? If so perhaps wait until then, then it DH will have even less reasons to reserve the large room for him?
I can't believe that was the situation at all from the start, your boys should've had the bigger bedrooms - it's their full time home.
YANBU, I'd change them around, the biggest bedroom is just pointless otherwise.
whats the point of the biggest room lying empty for most of the time.
Perfectly sensible!! I'd be tempted to give the youngest the largest room to compensate for having had the little one for so long and will likely be at home the longest.
Make the smallest from DDS and then have various 2nd beds in the big rooms and they can all decide between themselves who is sharing with who when the eldest one visits. Perhaps your boys could share the odd night as the elder DDS is more of a visitor these days?
I would just make it a positive thing that the younger DDS gets his own room out of it and he can decorate it how he likes.
I'm thinking that after christmas I'll give it 6 months - in that time make a record of how often eldest son stays just so I can present him with a bit of back up. Then again, that might make him kick off even more saying I've been keeping "tabs" on things! Can't win lol
It's awful that I dare not mention it isn't it. I wish my balls would re-appear, they seemed to go missing quite some time ago. I just hate arguining but feel sorry for DS2 stuck in that little room 24/7.
Thing is, even when his son is here he barely uses the room! he just sleeps in it and spends the rest of his time on the PC/TV downstairs.
My DS is in his room all the time.
This does seem familiar - have you posted something similar before?
nope, not posted about it before. Only just recently started thinking about how daft the whole situation is, especially not that his youngest DS is saying he might not want to come every weekend too.
Why do people always want to give the biggest bedroom to the eldest? Your DS1 should stay where he is and you should give the big roommate to DS2.
can you tell I'm a middle child
If you don't want to fight your DH over this then what about turning the biggest room into a multi purpose red room for all the boys - games consoles, TV, table tennis, desks ...whatever suits and having it a a multi use room that doubles up,as a bedroom for DSS2 at weekends.
It's daft for the biggest room to be used just by DSS.
If DH kicks off, I think you need to keep firmly repeating "Don't be so ridiculous your boys won't mind at all, of course which ever of the dc that live here the most time need the larger rooms - one day it may be yours and we can switch again"
Have you asked DSS? He might not care especially if you say you will help him decorate his new small room.
OP, It's very worrying that you are walking on eggshells in your relationship.
I agree that your DS2 could just go in the bigger room would save a lot of hassle in trying to move 3 rooms round. How's the relationship between DSS and your DSes? Would DSS be responsive to your Ds2 asking if they would do a swap?
We had a 4 bed when I was a child. After 2 years of me working as a rep and only coming home for short periods I actually asked my little Dbro why he hadn't moved into my room. It seemed daft him still being in the box when I probably slept at home 20 days a year!
Everyone seemed genuinely surprised I'd thought of it - think after 9 years in the house everyone had just become used to who had what room.
Sorry for typo in my earlier post.
I meant to write that you should give the big room to DS2
How about saying that one of yours can move into the big bedroom (and the other have bedroom 2) but that if his lads stay at the same time then they need to vacate the room for them.
If it is just one boy visiting then he can go in the box room.
My parents did that with me and my brother when i was 12 and db was 10. At the time we were in rooms 3 and 4. We could move into 2 but would have to move for visitors. I said no way. Db said yes please. Sorted.
He doesn't need a genuine objection, he's the kind of person that - if you put him in a room by himself he'd have an argument and convince himself he was right.
My prediction would be:
"Your DS doesn't look after the room he has"
"My DS is an adult, he needs a bigger room"
"My DS'S still technically share a room"
"My eldest will think I don't want him here if I get rid of his bed!"
"My kids are already starting to not want to visit, this will ensure they never want to come"
And the obvious ....
"You've always hated my kids coming!!"
Oh and I quite like the idea of DS2 having the biggest room to make up for his time in the tiny room!
His kids don't care what room they're in to be honest, they hardly use it when they are here.
Plus I think his youngest would LOVE the room to be done up to his own taste. Their current room is awful. A big bare room with two single beds at either side - no decoration, nothing.
Put youngest in the big room, however, if your DH is volatile (that's a separate thread), could you ask DSS2 when he next visits (tonight?) if he would mind moving to the smaller room as he's not staying much and your DS2 has so many toys that need to spread out extra, that you'll put bunk beds in DS2's room so if DSS1 comes to stay, there's extra room and you'll move everyone round for some space. You'll let him decide how he'd like his room decorated and fit round what requirements he has.
Also quietly say to DSS2 that you think your DH will worry that DSS2 would be upset, so it might be best if he suggests moving round to give your DS2 more space to his dad...
Another thought if the bedroom swap seems too hard to convince you husband on. How about you put a desk in the big bedroom for your ds to use for his homework.
It's actually healthier to not study and sleep in the same room. He'll need to keep it tidy (perhaps storage boxes for all his different books etc) so that when Ds's come to visit he can get what he needs easily but it would give him more space. (Andcrealistically how many 14 yo study on a Saturday night anyway!)
It would also make the big bedroom more homely and give your Dss somewhere to study when they visit.
As an aside - why are you married to someone so unpleasant sounding?
It isn't good your husband will kick off. Does he think he is the boss of your relationship? .
Your suggestion is sensible and fair.
One hitch that strikes me with your (fair sounding) plan is your last comment that the big room is currently bare, no decoration, nothing . You then plan to swap them round and decorate it for your ds. That sounds a bit unfair to me. Wont it appear that it was good enough bare for dss but not ds2?
Hey, dss2, we're moving you out of your big bare room and making it a great, decorated boy-pad for ds2
Could it be that dss doesn't spend time in the room because it's bare? How about presenting the idea to dh and everyone else as a plan to redecorate both the big and small rooms because they're bare and unfriendly? Then as part of the planning process you can suggest swapping them over incorporated into discussions of decoration etc.
Your issue here is a your bully of a husband.
Personally I would be giving him the smallest room.
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