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To not feel sorry for STBXH and refuse to get involved?

(57 Posts)
ncforthisx Sat 06-Dec-14 15:33:47

STBXH walked out on us (3DCs) and left us in a huge mess because of it. He thought that he could do better and "have a better life if I go back to Uganda". He wasn't a permanent resident of the UK.

He's realised now that he has made a huge mistake and is finding it hard to get back into the country. It's been a stressful 5 months for us with little contact from him up until now.

He wants me to help him return by using his right to family life here in the UK. I don't want to help him but I've had people in my ear telling me that it's not fair on the children if I refuse. I think its ridiculous as he wasn't thinking about the children when he decided to piss off! He also repeatedly told me "I'll suffer the consequences but I'm not staying" when I was begging him to stay, and I really begged.

Am I being unreasonable for telling him to piss off and that he shouldn't involve me?

Littleturkish Sat 06-Dec-14 15:35:26

Definitely piss off. If he genuinely wanted to stay for the family life, that would be different. But he doesn't. By helping you'd be colluding in a lie.

CatsClaus Sat 06-Dec-14 15:36:19

i'd see him in hell first.

i do like to bear a grudge though.

Groovee Sat 06-Dec-14 15:38:02

I don't blame you. He left you in a mess but now wants to use you again. He may be the children's father but it doesn't mean you need to bow down to his command.

YvetteChauvire Sat 06-Dec-14 15:38:44


He made his bed... I would not get involved at all

greenfolder Sat 06-Dec-14 15:39:32

yanbu- sounds like the right thing to do for you and the children. besides which, if he gets residency and can come and go as he pleases, whats to stop him sodding off with the children?

stand firm

MissMogwi Sat 06-Dec-14 15:39:47

Nope I'd tell him to get lost (putting it lightly)

He can't use 'family life' to suit him as and when he pleases. Plus what if he comes back and pisses off again, your poor kids.

I say this as someone who was a single parent for a long time, I know it can be tough on your own - but he sounds like a waste of space.

ncforthisx Sat 06-Dec-14 15:39:58

Well, I assumed that family life would mean all of us in the same household which won't happen. He even told me that "I have to think about our marriage, I'm not sure if it's what I want, but I'll let you know" bastard. Which suggests that he's not interested in rekindling anything and quite frankly neither do I.

ArchangelGallic Sat 06-Dec-14 15:40:01

I'd tell him to get stuffed. He needs you far more than you need him and what's to say he won't be equally unreliable in future.

Thanks to Skype and air travel, your children can have a relationship with their father if he chooses to facilitate that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 06-Dec-14 15:42:24

Wanker, let him stew where he is.

sonjadog Sat 06-Dec-14 15:42:53

Don't get involved. He will have to work this one out on his own.

ncforthisx Sat 06-Dec-14 15:43:14

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that he can go fish!

I'll stand my ground, he can't do anything from there anyway.

MimiSunshine Sat 06-Dec-14 15:45:48

Nope. You begged him to stay, he left with little or no thought to how he'd be a part of family life.
He can sort the rest out on his own, if anyone else asks just say you told the authorities he has children here but that you were no longer a couple and you don't know what happens next.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 06-Dec-14 15:46:32

His doing his problem YANBU

feelingunsupported Sat 06-Dec-14 15:47:23

He doesn't have a 'family life' he just has children whom he chose to abandon. He can't pick and choose whether he has a family life!

WellnowImFucked Sat 06-Dec-14 15:50:39

What family?

Oh the family he abandoned???

He can go fuck off.

Inselaffe Sat 06-Dec-14 15:53:32

Agree. In fact if he has said any of this over recorded medium, e.g. texts and emails I would be tempted to save them and keep them (make sure the children don't find them in case they get upset) in case the immigration authorities ask you any questions. You can truthfully answer and point them in the direction of the evidence that he is using you and your children to get back into the UK.

KateMosley Sat 06-Dec-14 16:00:51

He doesn't want a family life, he wants an easy ride. What a title waste of space.

MinceSpy Sat 06-Dec-14 16:07:06

Do what you want and what is best for the DCs.

MaryWestmacott Sat 06-Dec-14 16:07:19

He is asking you to lie, you know he doesn't want family life, he walked away from that without a second thought, and now he doesn't want to come back because he's realised he still loves you and misses the DCs like someone's ripped out his heart, but because it would be easier. If he could come back without your help, he'd not be even contemplating moving back in.

You can do better, your DCs deserve better than having just got used to Daddy being gone, him coming back, just long enough to get permission to stay and then going off again.

MrsKringle Sat 06-Dec-14 16:08:45

YANBU. As a PP said, he needs you more than you need him. What's to stop him pissing off as soon as he's back here?

He's not interested in his family life, only himself.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 06-Dec-14 16:15:32

Op ide be more worried about him getting back in then Disappearing and not seeing the kids anyway.
In which case I think you would be kicking yourself.

thanks For you

Tobyjugg Sat 06-Dec-14 16:34:03

No way do you agree to this! He didn't want you when he had you and now wants to use you for his own advantage. If I were in your position, I'd crawl naked over burning coals before I'd agree to this.

RandomMess Sat 06-Dec-14 16:37:28

If you say anything that isn't the truth you could be prosecuted so erm what can you say to support his cause? Nothing!

PurpleSwift Sat 06-Dec-14 16:40:08

I would not get involved. Dick

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