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aibu- dh playing sports whilst baby is ill

(44 Posts)
choccychoc Sat 06-Dec-14 07:37:19

Before I get annoyed with him,Iwanted to check whether I'm being utterly ridiculous.

Dh works shifts, overnight sometimes, which is hard for me, as I don't have support overnight. It als. Means that until after lunch when dh wakes, I try to keep our 7 month old ds quiet, well as much as I can. the nature of dh's job means it's very important that he sleeps, although during the day, he'll only sleep 5 hours or so.

Still with me? Great.

Our ds has been ill, but this has got progressively worse, and after a visit to gp, he was prescribed antibiotics. Unfortunately this gave him a nasty rash. So we took him to the hospital last night, everything fine, but we must keep close eye on him, as it can get worse quite quickly. We got in at 9pm, and put ds straight to bed.

Ds has been up approx 18 times last night, crying, lots of coughing and struggling to breath through his nose. Also has high temp so we needed to bring this down with calpol.

Dh had slept 2 hours in the last 26, so last night I continued to be the person predominantly getting up with him, ( he got up twice.with encouragement. Well prodding.)

This is the aibu part- dh said he planned on playing sports this morning at 7, match arranged with friends. He has already played once this week, and for an hours practice yesterday. He will be gone until midday.

Aibu, as I've had little break ( due to him working) in the last three days from a sickly screaming ds, to have thought, given that I had 30 minute slots of sleep, that he might have stayed and taken ds so I could just have 5 minutes on my own? Well he's not bloody here! aibu to get annoyed by this?
Or, am I being a cow, and he's worked hard, 10 hour shifts, barely slept, and just wants time to do something for himself?

I think I'm too laid back. He also asks 'Do you mind if I play', which I think he does so he can say he's asked to be considerate, but really, this is making me the bad guy if I say no!
I hate that he does that, so I always say he should do what he feels he should do.

Aibu? As far as I can see, when ds is sick, everything else comes second.

Waltonswatcher Sat 06-Dec-14 07:46:17

I hate the way they say 'is it alright if...' , 'do you mind' . Or my favourite 'I won't go if you don't want me to'.
Um... Why can't they observe the situation and make a judgment themselves ?
He's gone now op so try to chill , but certainly enjoy this afternoon when he can take the reigns and give you a few hours off in return .

december12 Sat 06-Dec-14 07:47:07

I can understand exactly how you feel....but telling him should do as he feels he should is really PA. If he's asked and you think he should stay say so. If he doesn't ask and you think he should stay say so.

Will he be home to help you out and let you have a rest later? Depends what the sport is, what the team set up is and how important the fixture is to all concerned but I find it really hard to let a team down and very frustrating when others do it, especially at short notice. So to me, it would be more about being there when I said I would than getting some time to myself.

ihatethecold Sat 06-Dec-14 07:50:30

I think he is being selfish. It's bloody hard work looking after a poorly baby.
He should be there helping you.
I'd imagine he will be knackered after sport today.
I would be well miffed.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown Sat 06-Dec-14 07:53:56

YABU

You should have said you do mind. And cannot understand why he would think it would be ok to go.

You have to say what you want not expect him to do the "right" thing.

Sirzy Sat 06-Dec-14 07:54:00

If he is back by lunch then surely he can look after the baby this afternoon while you get a rest? Sounds like you both need some 'downtime'

Only1scoop Sat 06-Dec-14 07:54:03

If he's gone already is he able to take ds when he gets back and you can get some sleep?

bigbluestars Sat 06-Dec-14 07:58:26

Your OH is being selfish.
Some things just have to give when we have kids and recreational activities is one thing that has to take a lower priority. My OH has always worked very long hours, we have no family support.
I have always been a keen exerciser, but this was one of the things that became totally impossible whil ethe kids were young. Excercising-like playing sport is useless if done sporadically so I stopped my classes completely for 5 years until my youngest started school.

Your OH is being a selfish twat.If he can't see that he is being insensitive. Your needs and your baby's needs are being neglected because of his own.
THat's not what good men do.

If he does go you won't have any energy to do any cooking this weekend nor wash any of his clothes- including his muddy sports gear.

Let him join up the dots on that one when he has run out of clean clothes.

choccychoc Sat 06-Dec-14 08:01:03

Thank you both, that's helpful.

Well I'm going to be out with ds this afternoon, subject to how he is feeling, so hopefully I'll get a break tomorrow.

Yes, I agree that telling him to do what he feels he should is PA. I guess I don't want to be demanding and tell him when I think he should stay. But he knows I don't like doing this, which is why I think he asks me.
I think if I explain why perhaps organising a match on such-a-day may be a bit much, this would mean he wouldn't be letting anyone down.

Just generally it gets on my nerves, as hes gone for 6 hours. I wouldn't want to be away from ds that long if he is ill, unless it was work of course. Maybe that's just me though.

Mouthfulofquiz Sat 06-Dec-14 08:09:59

It always annoys me that they are willing to let the family down by not being there, but not a group of blokes that they kick a football about with in a totally non-professional way... Doesn't seem fair really does it?

bigbluestars Sat 06-Dec-14 08:12:43

mouthful- not all men are like that I can assure you. When my OH is not working his family come fisrt every single time.

Also one of the reasons I was attracted to my OH was his dislike of sport. wink

december12 Sat 06-Dec-14 08:15:28

That's really depressing bigbluestars. You both needs some interests outside the family.

Ragwort Sat 06-Dec-14 08:20:16

I don't really see the point in two parents having to be home to look after one sick child - people need 'downtime' and in your DH's case this is playing in a match. So long as he gives you a decent amount of time to 'have a break' then surely that is fine?

My own DS has been very ill (hospitalised) on occasions and DH and I didn't feel the need to be with him together all the time, I went shopping in the West End whilst my DS was having a major op - in fact the hospital encouraged us to get out and try to focus on something else. Does that make me a bad mum confused?

The fact that you feel you need to be with your sick child 24/7 is how you deal with the situation, not everyone will feel the same way.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl Sat 06-Dec-14 08:20:39

If you always cope, and have always stepped up to do whatever child care is needed, then him asking is because he doesn't know if you even want him there.

My DH explained to me once that he thought he was "a spare part just hanging around because I coped admirably with whatever was thrown at us" - whereas I was thinking "for christ's sake just step up and do what needs doing"

Spell it out, in few words. After that chat he took equal responsibility - which is what I wanted, what he wanted and what was needed for us to carry on.

fleecyjumper Sat 06-Dec-14 08:30:36

Is it urgent that you need to take the baby out this afternoon? If he has been so unwell surely he'd be better off recovering at home with your dh looking after him and you can go out or stay in and get some sleep.

Only1scoop Sat 06-Dec-14 08:32:51

If ds has been up all night ill then I second cosy up and stay in ....or leave him with Dh.

DoJo Sat 06-Dec-14 09:35:37

If this is his downtime in lieu of sleep, then so long as he provides the opportunity for you to do the same, then I don't really see the problem. It sounds as though you have both been up against it over the last few days, so if he gets his 'relaxation time' in first then this just means that your is next.

Having dealt with extended periods of no sleep and the temptation to clock up every minute and compare who must be most tired, can I offer you some friendly advice?

If something happens and you aren't sure if you should be cross about it, then just choose not to. You have given a very good reason for being generous in your OP, and it is honestly easier if you try to always see that side when you are both shattered. There is nothing worse than being dog tired and sniping at each other when you are both awake, whereas if you can be kind to one another and try to make things easier for each other, then you will both be happier.

I know it's easer to say than do (because I have been where you are and felt like I was at the end of my tether), but honestly, when I thought positively about it life was a lot easier and we were able to tackle things as a team rather than crashing round the house being annoyed with each other and feeling hard done-by.

Seriouslyffs Sat 06-Dec-14 09:40:44

Why are you taking your son out this afternoon? confused

december12 Sat 06-Dec-14 09:42:07

If he wasn't there during the night, he knows you are intending to go out with Ds this afternoon and you didn't tell him he should stay home when he asked then perhaps he doesn't know how bad it's been. If DS is that ill, why would you be taking him out? If you're so tired he needs to change his plans, why are you still planning to go out yourself? IYSWM

AuntieStella Sat 06-Dec-14 09:43:59

The match was arranged well before your DS became ill, and unless he's also the fixtures secretary, not by your DH.

If he's been able to fit his sports in up to this point, he's not being unduly selfish to expect them to continue to fit it. If you don't they they will at all, then you need to talk to him properly about what changes you want to see.

For this weekend, If you can't fit everything in, tell him what is otherwise going to be left not done, and ask him to generate some solutions that you can then both discuss and pick the one that works best.

You are exhausted, and so is he. This is a time when you are not necessarily going to be thinking well, either of you. If you can get through today, and then use what went wrong and what (if anything) went right, then you will I hope as a couple learn from experience.

The key thing to me would be getting him fully involved in noticing stuff and thinking about what needs to be done and how.

Altinkum Sat 06-Dec-14 09:45:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo Sat 06-Dec-14 09:49:20

That's really depressing bigbluestars. You both needs some interests outside the family.

confused Depressing? Really? Putting your family first doesn't mean that you don't have interests outside the family - there are other things in the world than sport....

december12 Sat 06-Dec-14 09:51:31

Yes, of course DoJo. But to always put the family first, every single time? To achieve that the DH must never do anything that doesn't include the family.

RJnomore Sat 06-Dec-14 09:53:21

Why are you taking your sick baby out?

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I'm presuming here it's not a sport that takes a full day therefore he will be home later to help - it's not his fault you've decided to go gallivanting with a sick child in tow then.

LIZS Sat 06-Dec-14 09:57:30

agree with others why plan to take him out when he is ill ? Going against some comments on here I think it is fine for him to stick to his arrangement, it doesn't take 2 to watch a baby, as long as he reciprocates and you get time out yourself, even if just to catch up sleep and have a soak in the bath , later on or go out without ds.

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